> http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27834
>
> VATICAN CITY - Calling forgiveness: "one of the highest virtues taught
> to us by Jesus," Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday
> absolving priest-molested children of all sin.
>
> "Though grave and terrible sins have been committed, our Lord teaches
> us to turn the other cheek and forgive those who sin against us," said
> the pope, reading a prepared statement from a balcony overlooking St.
> Peter's Square. "That is why, despite the terrible wrongs they have
> committed, the church must move on and forgive these children for
> their misdeeds."
>
> "As Jesus said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,'" the
> pope continued. "We must send a clear message to these hundreds -
> perhaps thousands - of children whose sinful ways have tempted so many
> of the church's servants into lustful violation of their holy vows of
> celibacy. The church forgives them for their transgressions and looks
> upon them not with intolerance, but compassion."
>
> The papal announcement arrives in response to public outcry over the
> sex scandal sweeping the Catholic church in the U.S. Though official
> church doctrine condemns such transgressions, the pope's decision,
> observers say, is intended to demonstrate the church's willingness to
> put the scandal behind it and restore the public trust.
>
> "By forgiving these children, primarily churchgoing boys between the
> ages of 5 and 15, the pope has shown true Christian kindness," said
> Father Thomas O'Malley, a member of the New York archdiocese and one
> of the many priests implicated in charges of sexual activity with
> minors. "The pope is saying that, in their own way, these sinful
> youths are victims, too. Through their absolution, he sends the
> important message that empathy, contrary to what naysayers and critics
> in the secular media would have us believe, does have a place in
> modern Catholicism."
>
> For Catholics waiting for the pope to break his long silence on the
> scandal, the sweeping, decisive nature of his response has come as
> welcome relief.
>
> "The pope has shown great love and compassion, much as Jesus did when
> he ministered to tax collectors and whores," said Cardinal Bernard Law
> of Boston. "Despite all they have done to jeopardize the careers of so
> many priests - to say nothing of imperiling the priests' immortal
> souls - the church embraces these underaged seducers and tempters with
> open arms. The pope's words and actions prove that the church is
> willing to put an end to the suffering and let the healing begin."
>
> The mass absolution is being hailed by church scholars as one of the
> Vatican's most progressive acts since the Second Vatican Council in
> 1962.
>
> "One cannot overstate the break from tradition this represents," said
> lay administrator Bruce McConnachie of the Los Angeles archdiocese.
> "After all, under church doctrine, the act of seducing a priest is
> considered a grave sin against the laws of God, punishable by
> condemnation to Hell for all eternity. But the pope has put all of
> that aside. He has let bygones be bygones. For this, all of those
> misbehaving, sexy little guys should feel grateful. By showing such
> willingness to forgive and forget, the pope has sent a clear message:
> Even though these boys have done much to undermine and subvert the
> priestly vows of celibacy, they are still deserving of God's love."
>
> Margaret Leahy, 39, a Somerville, MA, homemaker and mother of one of
> the alleged seducers, expressed relief over the pope's announcement.
>
> "For months, I feared that my boy - and the dozens of others who
> committed sinful acts with Father Halloran before he was moved to the
> safety of another parish to protect him from further temptation at
> their pre-pubescent hands - was going to Hell for what he'd done,"
> Leahy said. "It's the worst feeling a mother can know. But thanks to
> the forgiveness of the pope, my long nightmare is finally over. He was
> just a boy of 8 at the time. He didn't know any better. Thank you,
> your Holiness, for giving my poor little Timothy a second chance at
> redemption."
>
> However, not everyone within the Catholic church is so supportive of
> the pope's actions.
>
> "What kind of a message is the pope sending today's children? That
> it's okay to seduce priests?" said one concerned Baltimore priest who
> asked to remain anonymous due to a pending court case. "With the
> pope's announcement, the church is essentially telling its youngest
> members, 'Go ahead and let Father So-And-So reach into your swim
> trunks at the church-youth-group pool party. It's okay, the pope will
> forgive you in the end.' Without fear of eternal damnation, how are
> these provocative young lotharios ever going to learn?"
>
> "As the creep of secular humanism continues to chip away at our most
> sacred institutions, the Vatican has established a dangerous
> precedent," the priest continued. "We look to the church's authority
> for justice and righteousness, not politically convenient solutions
> that maintain the status quo. These nubile sinners should be held
> accountable for the damage they've done."
>