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The #1 place people meet their spouses is "Other" (see Figure 3: Where
Couples Met).
[Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert]
T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization Of Sexuality: Sexual
Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN
0-226-46957-3), p. 235. I.e., one-third of couples met in places
where no other couples met. E.g., if you're an African explorer, you're
more likely to meet your spouse while exploring Africa, and less likely
to find your spouse in a Chicago singles bar.
School and work are the next-most common meeting locations (15-20%%).
Parties and bars are good for short-term (less than one month) sexual
relationships (17-25%%) and not bad for marriages (8-10%%).
Churches are good for meeting marriage partners (8%%), and poor for
meeting short-term sex partners (1%%). (This contradicts another dating
advice book, which says that women in church singles clubs want sex
"like bunnies."
[Louis, R., Copeland, D. How to Succeed With Women]
(Prentice Hall, 1998, ISBN 0735200300). This may apply only to
certain churches. The book didn't specify where to find the best
sects.)
Personal ads and singles cruises are poor places to meet anyone. Less
than 1%% of married couples met via a personal ad or on vacation.
To meet a relationship partner at work, work at an occupation with
opposite-sex co-workers. Organize social events outside work, e.g.,
company picnics or a co-ed softball team.
E.g., a male engineer works with other men. He signs up for community
college evening classes in child development. The other child
development students are women. After taking a few classes, he does a
part-time internship at a daycare center. The other daycare workers are
women. And he finds that many of the customers are divorced mothers.
Plus he gets to build cool things with Lego's.
E.g., a female daycare worker works with other women. She signs up at
the community college for engineering classes. She enjoys drawing, and
finds that she's good at drafting. Then she finds that draftspersons
are paid twice what daycare workers earn.
To compare male and female percentages in over 200 occupations, see the
Statistical Abstract of the United States, by the U.S. Department of
Commerce (available in libraries or download free from
http://www.census.gov/statab/www/). Look for the table "Employed
Civilians, by Occupation, Sex, Race, and Hispanic Origin" (Table 588 in
the 2002 edition). This table also provides racial statistics, if you
want to meet, e.g., African-American men or Hispanic women. FYI, in
2001, engineering was 90%% male and 91%% white; child care providers were
97%% female and 19%% Hispanic.
Image:Where Couples Met.jpg
Figure 3: Where Couples MetTo meet potential partners in school, take
classes in which you interact with your classmates. Some business
schools teach teamwork and leadership skills via group projects. Some
progressive universities encourage instructors to include experiential
segments (e.g., interactive games) in each class.
If you take an old-fashioned sit-in-a-lecture-then-write-a-paper
course, organize a study group outside of class. If you're an older
man, be a benevolent king. Don't try to "fit in" with the
undergraduates. Show the students how to use the library (instead of
the Discovery Channel). Coach them through oral presentations. Help
them work as a team.
Contents [hide]
1 Who Introduced Couples
2 Similarity and Dissimilarity
3 Where to Meet Single Men and Women
3.1 The Best Place to Meet Men
3.2 The Best Place to Meet Women
4 Two Contradictory Rules for Attracting Women
5 Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?
6 Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?
7 Create Your Own Man- or Woman-Advantage
[edit]Who Introduced Couples
Friends are the primary introducers (35-40%%) of couples of all types
(see Figure 4: Who Introduced Couples).
[Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon,]
John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of
Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3), p. 235. The section
"[[../Adulthood#Adult Friendship|Adult Friendship]]" shows how to
increase your circle of friends.
Image:Who Introduced Couples.jpg
Figure 4: Who Introduced CouplesSelf-introductions are also important
(32-47%%). The researchers didn't specify whether successful
relationships more often began when men introduced themselves to women,
or vice versa.
Family members are good for helping you meet potential marriage
partners (15%%), but poor for helping you meet short-term sexual
partners (3%%). Take your mom to Festa Italiana or Irish Fest or Jewish
Community Day. She'll find half a dozen mothers with children for you
to meet.
[edit]Similarity and Dissimilarity
Couples are 70-90%% similar regarding racial or ethnic group, education,
age, and religion (see Figure 5: Similarity of Couples).
[Laumann,]
Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The
Social Organization Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States
(University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3), p. 255; Michael,
Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., Kolata, Gina. Sex In
America: A Definitive Survey (Little Brown, 1994, ISBN 0-316-07524-8),
p. 46. But this doesn't mean that similarity attracts. Rather,
race, education, age, and religion facilitate meeting. I.e., you're
likely to meet individuals your age who go to your school and attend
your church.
Image:Similarity of Couples.jpg
Figure 5: Similarity of CouplesIn the 1930s, most couples lived within
ten blocks of each other when they met.[Vandenburg, S.G.]
"Assortative mating, or who marries whom?" Behavior Genetics, 2,
127-158. Improved transportation has widened our circles for
meeting people, but we still tend to meet people who live in our
neighborhoods. Because most neighborhoods aren't racially integrated,
race is a surrogate for living in the same neighborhood (i.e., it would
be interesting to study whether racially mixed neighborhoods produce
more mixed-race couples).
Married couples are dissimilar in more ways than they're similar,
especially for factors that don't facilitate meeting. E.g., couples
are, on average, dissimilar for personality types. Couples are also
dissimilar for IQ tests, attitudes and opinions (e.g., whether mothers
should work outside the home), hobbies and social activities, parents'
economic class, physical and mental health, height, weight, hair color,
eye color, physical attractiveness, exercise, vocabulary, day or night
person, preferred foods, number of brothers and sisters, and birth
order (some of these studies were conducted before 1970 and may be out
of date, especially considering the post-1970 rise of companionate
marriages, described on page 87).[Vandenburg, S.G. "Assortative]
mating, or who marries whom?" Behavior Genetics, 2, 127-158.
The section "[[../Hormones#Pheromones|Pheromones]]" showed that
similarity attracts for friendship, and opposites attract for sex.
[edit]Where to Meet Single Men and Women
Psychologists had seminary students write speeches on the topic of "The
Good Samaritan." After finishing their speeches, each student was sent
to another building to read the speech to an audience.
Between the buildings was an alley. In the alley was an actor
pretending to be a disheveled man in need of assistance.
Half the students were told they were late and must hurry. These
students ignored the man's pleas for help.
The other students were told they had plenty of time. These students
stopped to help the man.
The psychologists concluded that simple changes in context powerfully
alter individual behavior. In this and other experiments, psychologists
have gotten individuals to do the opposite of their normal or professed
behavior.[Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things]
Can Make A Big Difference (Little, Brown, 2000, ISBN 0-316-31696-2),
164-166.
Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right won't do you any good if he
or she (or you) isn't thinking about romance. E.g., if you're in a
hurry you'll walk right past Mr./Ms. Right, just as the seminary
students walked past the man in need of help. Instead, meet partners in
places where singles think about romance, when they're thinking about
romance.
[edit]The Best Place to Meet Men
Men who take first aid classes are heroes. They're leaders. They care
about other people.
To meet lifeguards, take the American Red Cross lifeguarding course. To
meet Outward Bound instructors, take a Wilderness First Responder
course. To meet firefighters, take an Emergency Medical Technician
course.
The classes are stressful, so you get to know and respect each other.
Plus the classes are "hands on" each other! And what you learn may save
a life. Call your local Red Cross chapter or visit redcross.org
Another way to meet men is to select a club that sounds fun. All the
things men do have organizations. E.g., to meet men who drive BMW
motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle Owners Association website.
E-mail your local club president, asking to be a passenger on the next
ride.
[edit]The Best Place to Meet Women
Actresses are interesting, fun, unconventional-and beautiful. Meet them
in acting classes or community theater.
Acting classes are scheduled playtime. You'll learn games to play with
your nieces and nephews.
Acting classes improve your entertainment skills. You'll develop
confidence in expressing emotions. You'll memorize poems (pick romantic
ones). You'll discover that you can sing-and then women will show you
what swoon means. Acting classes will make you more attractive to
women.
Acting (and creative writing) classes show you each student's inner
character. The gorgeous woman that you lusted after from day one will
read a poem that makes you gag. The woman you didn't notice for the
first three weeks will perform a scene that moves your heart.
[edit]Two Contradictory Rules for Attracting Women
In the chapter "[[../How Women Select Men|How Women Select Men]]," you
learned that women prefer "alpha" males, i.e., a man who is a leader or
good at what he does.
But my experience has been that I don't meet women doing things I'm
good at, e.g., running marathons or designing electronic circuitboards.
I meet more women-and the women are interested in me-when I do
something I'm bad at, e.g., dance classes. Russian women think I'm
adorable when I try to conjugate __ _______ __ _________ _ ________
______.
Women like men who aren't afraid to show their soft and vulnerable
side. This brings out their nurturing instinct (see "Demeter," page
205). But stay confident and have fun.
[edit]Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?
In 1986, Newsweek reported that a single, college-educated 40-year-old
woman was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to find a
husband.
In 2001, the Wall Street Journal reported that men in their late 30s
and early 40s will soon outnumber women five to ten years younger by
two to one.[Jeffrey, Nancy Ann. "The Woman Shortage," The Wall]
Street Journal, December 7, 2001, W1.
Is there a "man
shortage," as Newsweek reported? Or is there a "woman shortage," as the
Wall Street Journal reported?
More boys are born than girls. But more boys and young men die. Around
25, men and women are equally numerous.[Statistical Abstract of the]
United States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 12, "Resident
Population by Age and Sex: 1980 to 1999."
http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec01.pdf
Because
women live longer than men, old women outnumber old men. And men tend
to marry women two or three years younger. These factors cause a
shortage of unmarried younger women, and a shortage of unmarried older
men. But this effect is small (under 5%%) until you're over 50 years
old.
Birth rates vary over 40-year cycles (see Figure 6: Birth Rates,
1909-1998).[2002 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U S.]
Department Of Commerce), Table 68, "Births and Birth Rates, by Race,
Sex, and Age: 1980 to 2000." 2000 Statistical Abstract of the United
States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 77, "Live Births, Deaths,
Marriages, and Divorces."
http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec02.pdf;
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/t1x0197.pdf. Newsweek and the Wall
Street Journal reported opposite effects because their stories were 15
years apart.
Image:Birth Rates, 1909-1998.jpg
Figure 6: Birth Rates, 1909-1998The birth rate reached its lowest point
in 1933. Prohibition ended that year. The birth rate reached its
highest point in 1957. The birth control pill was introduced that year.
The birth rate reached its next low point in 1973, and its next peak in
1990.
The lucky people are men born when the birth rate climbed (1933-1957,
1973-1990), and women born when the birth rate fell (1957-1973,
1990-1997).
[edit]Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?
Men and women react differently to shortages of marriage partners.
During a "woman shortage," women are more likely to marry. During a
"man shortage," women are less likely to marry, due to lack of quality
partners.
During a "man shortage," men are less likely to marry, and more likely
to "play the field" and have more relationships, with less commitment.
During a "woman shortage," men are more likely to marry and stay
married.[Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young]
Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social Forces, 74 (1996), page
1099.
I.e., during a "woman shortage" (e.g., of women born
between 1957 and 1973), both men and women are more likely to marry.
During a "man shortage" (e.g., of men born between 1933 and 1957), both
men and women are less likely to marry. This partially explains the
decreasing marriage rate between 1970 and 1990.
[edit]Create Your Own Man- or Woman-Advantage
Creating your own man- or woman-advantage may be easier than you
expect. Young men and women selecting a university-or a major-can
consider male/female ratios. Working men and women can change careers
(see "[[../Where Couples Met|Where Couples Met]]"). Some one-industry
small towns have lopsided male/female ratios. E.g., Vail, Colorado is
rumored to have an eight-to-one male/female ratio among the young "ski
bums" working at the resorts. Be warned, however, that Vail women say,
"the odds are good, but the goods are odd."[Powder Burn.]
An older person can always create a man- or woman-advantage by
dating individuals younger than him- or herself. Married people go "off
the market," so single younger people always outnumber single older
people, no matter your age or sex.
E.g., 25-to-29-year-old men who want to marry same-age women face
five-to-four odds (1.22/1 ratio) against the men. But by dating
20-to-24-year-old women, the odds reverse and improve to three-to-four
(1/1.3) in favor of the men.[Statistical Abstract of the United]
States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 55, "Marital Status of the
Population by Sex and Age: 1999."
http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec01.pdf
40-to-44-year-old unmarried men find equal numbers of unmarried
women their age, and the same equality when dating women five years
younger.
At age 45 and above, the advantage goes to men, whether they seek
same-age or younger women. Unmarried men over 55 have a two-to-one
advantage over women, both same-age and ten years younger.
Taken from:
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