The endless parade of top officials recently visiting Israel/Palestine
has included the American president, defense secretary, and secretary
of state, the former British prime minister, the German chancellor and
foreign minister, the Russian foreign minister, and so on. Since
etiquette is of paramount importance in Israel/Palestine, the
following is a useful compendium of gaffes, faux pas, and indelicacies
to be assiduously avoided in each and every visit to this contentious
land.

1. Do not mention any Jewish connection to the "West Bank" (Judea and
Samaria). The fact that the "West Bank" is the cradle of Jewish
civilization and the scene of biblical events that have resounded
throughout Western history and civilization has been successfully
wiped from the record and must remain so. Although they have by now
dwindled to a fringe, sinister circles in Israel still refer to this
connection in efforts to promote "Jewish rights" (itself a baleful
concept). Any such allusion jeopardizes the supreme goal of turning
this region into yet another Muslim-Arab dictatorship and a still
further accretion of Dar al-Islam, which is cramped for real estate
and desperately in need of every additional square centimeter it can
obtain.

2. Do not mention any Jewish connection to Jerusalem or, if you do, do
so evenhandedly. Any mention of the special Jewish connection to the
city is to be avoided unless within a fraction of a second you equate
it with the Muslim connection to Jerusalem. The Jewish connection to
Jerusalem is particularly incommodious because it can be exploited by
nefarious Israeli and other types as an obstacle to the treasured
outcome of transferring the holiest sites of Judeo-Christian
civilization to the control of Hamas, Al Qaeda, and the worldwide
jihadist movement in general. Especially since it is laughably easy to
demonstrate that the Jewish connection to the city is far more
profound than the Muslim one (through mention of the comparative
number of references in the two religions' holy books, etc.), it is
best to avoid the subject altogether or, if you do raise it, to equate
the two claims as fast as you can cough.

3. Do not mention the "West Bank's" vital security importance to
Israel. Because this, too, can be used to retard progress toward the
Goal, it is crucial that you expunge it from your discourse. That
entails, of course, shunning any and all allusions to quotations that
are still sometimes cited by militaristic circles in Israel, such as
Abba Eban's reference to the 1967 lines as the "Auschwitz borders" or
Ronald Reagan's statement that "in the pre-1967 borders, Israel was
barely ten miles wide at its narrowest point. The bulk of Israel's
population lived within artillery range of hostile Arab armies. I am
not about to ask Israel to live that way again" (both Eban and Reagan
were, of course, rabid Greater Land of Israel fanatics). Above all,
never make even the faintest allusion to the existence of the 1967
Joint Chiefs of Staff Study that concluded that the great bulk of the
post-1967 lands was indispensable to Israel's defense; this has almost
been obliterated from the record and you are not expected to disturb
its deep slumber.

4. Do not mention the sequence of events since the disengagement. At
the time Israel evacuated Gaza in summer 2005, recalcitrant,
reactionary elements in Israel had the impudence to predict that this
would lead to increased attacks on Israeli communities bordering Gaza
and an intensification of jihadist trends among the Palestinians. It
is absolutely forbidden to mention that what has happened since then
conforms precisely with these predictions and that Israel now faces a
drastically increased onslaught of missile and other terrorism from
Gaza that works in tandem with the threats from the Lebanese, Syrian,
and Iranian directions. Any such empiricism on the issue of Israeli
land concessions is deplorable and could even dampen the prospects
that Israel will make further concessions that are even more reckless
and suicidal--something to be avoided at all costs.

5. Do not mention anything negative about Mahmoud Abbas. The
"Palestinian moderate" who "wants peace with Israel" is an essential
player on the international stage and is, prima facie, a saint who is
above human failings and foibles. Unfortunately Mr. Abbas, like his
predecessor Mr. Arafat, has a habit of doing and saying things that
enemies of peace in Israel seize upon to hamper progress toward a just
solution. For instance, he forms unity governments with Hamas, says
"We should put our internal fighting aside and raise our rifles only
against the Israeli occupation," saturates his education system with
anti-Semitic hatred, and so on. It is the task of Western diplomacy to
relegate these actions and statements to non-actions and non-
statements and you are expected to contribute your part to this
endeavor by relating to Mr. Abbas's peccadilloes as if you were a
Trappist monk.

6. Do not mention polls of Palestinians. These polls tend to reveal
unpleasant things about the Palestinians that, again, Israeli
warmongers love to exploit and therefore should be meticulously
avoided. For instance, a recent poll found that 84%% of Palestinians
approved of a terrorist attack on a Jerusalem yeshiva, 75%% said
negotiations with Israel are pointless and should be ended, and 64%%
supported rocket attacks on Israeli civilian targets. This is a
subject that is best, of course, scrupulously quarantined in the
interest of hastening the advent of the Palestinian state living
beside Israel in peace and security for which we all so fervently
wish.

7. Do not mention disagreeable phenomena among the Palestinians in
general. Again, the enemies of peace love to harp on such matters as
Palestinians breaking out in wild glee after terrorist attacks,
grooming small children to be suicide bombers, naming schools and
sports teams after suicide bombers, and the like. One particularly
pernicious organization, Palestinian Media Watch, has the temerity to
monitor Palestinian media and make its actual, unadorned content
available to the world. Your responsibility is, of course, to overlook
all this and if possible keep yourself ignorant of it. Peace cannot be
achieved when people morbidly focus on negative phenomena that prevent
us from striding confidently forward.

8. Do not mention the fact that Jordan is a state existing in eastern
Palestine with a Palestinian majority. Important as each of the above
precepts is, this is the cardinal prohibition. The precious myth of a
stateless Palestinian people who can achieve national expression of
their unique, valuable culture only in a state within shooting range
of Jerusalem, Ben-Gurion Airport, and Tel Aviv would be punctured if
people knew that a Palestinian state already exists and any fair
solution to the issue of the West Bank and Gaza Palestinians would
have to take that reality into account. Recognition of the Palestinian
identity of Jordan would obviate the need for the "peace process" and
deprive the Western countries of a prime means of propitiating the
Arab oil powers by providing them a constant spectacle of pressuring
and harrying Israel into giving up its strategic assets and shrinking
back down to indefensible dimensions.

Once you have mastered these principles, you are ready to proceed to
Israel/Palestine and play a constructive role in the quest for peace
and justice.
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