> 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
> beer.
>
> 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
> can't
> afford shoes and sox.
>
> 3. You have more wives than teeth.
>
> 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
> 'unclean.'
>
> 5. You think vests only come in two styles . . . bullet-proof and
> suicide.
>
> 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
>
> 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry fused and
> primed
> explosives in your clothing.
>
> 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
> setting
> off roadside bombs.
>
> 9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with
> your cave.'
>
> 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
> least
> one.
>
> 11. You bathe at least monthly, whether necessary or not.
>
> 12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.