#10 - Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd has been around for something like twenty years, though I
doubt they'd remember twenty seconds of it, since they spent the
majority of the time whacked out of their skulls on drugs.
Unfortunately, it showed big time in the "music" they released, mostly
involving painfully long instrumentals that have the sucktacular power
to even make Katie Couric stop smiling and say "this is fucking shit."
The only thing worse than their music is their personal hygiene and
their album artwork...oh yeah, and their half-baked fans.

#9 - Guns 'n' Roses

Hey, did you know this is the year that they're getting back together
and releasing a new album? Or was that last year? Or was that the
year before? Oh, that's right, it's been every year since they
released their last album, which was called We Suck Ass or something
like that. They're not really that bad a band so much as the fact
that they just have the dumbest fans anywhere in the world. They had
one good album, yet their fans treat them like legends of rock. Sorry
guys, they aren't. Not even close. I almost feel bad putting them
here because it gives them some recognition.

#8 - Limp Bizkit

Though you could conceivably put any of these new rap/rock losers
here, Limp Bizkit deserves special attention because they're not only
extraordinarily horrendous, but at the same time, completely and
thoroughly retched. They've succumbed to the "let's wear make up
since our talent cant get us noticed" phase, and of course, they kiss
up to MTV night and day, appearing on Total Request Live alongside the
Backstreet Boys but pretend to be tough. Yeah, I'm buying that. Keep
praying there, Durst, maybe you'll get some talent.

#7 - John Cougar

Yeah, that's right, it says "Cougar." I don't give a fucking rat's
ass what that pinhead is calling himself these days, his name is
"Cougar" and always will be. Aside from being the ugliest human being
alive (except of course for his fans), Cougar is the biggest rip-off
artist in the music industry since Sean "Thiefy" Combs! "Hurts So
Good?" No, it's called "Escape" by Journey. "Small Town?" I liked
it better when it was "Do Ya" by E.L.O. "R-O-C-K in the USA?" I
thought the Romantics called it "What I Like About You!" "I Need a
Lover?" Meat Loaf's version, "Bat Out of Hell," was better! And the
list goes on and on and on...

#6 - Led Zeppelin

You'd be hard pressed to find a band worse than Led Zeppelin (though
we somehow found five). It never ceases to amaze me how a band could
be around for so long, release so many albums (98%% of which are boxed
sets), and have so many fans without ever once releasing anything even
remotely listenable. I do believe we'll find out how many licks it
takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop before we can solve that
riddle.

#5 - Kiss

Pay attention: Kiss was never cool. They'll never be cool. You know
what else they'll never be? Talented. Kiss was the first band to put
together the puzzle and say "Hey, we can cover up the fact that we are
as talented musically as your average drove of mongooses by dressing
up and wearing make-up!" Wait a second now, I think I'm on to
something here: they wore make-up, had silly nicknames, put more
emphasis on fashion and big boots than music...they were the original
Spice Girls!

#4 - Jimi Hendrix

Here's a tough debate: which was worse, Hendrix's playing or his
singing? I mean, on one hand, his singing sounded like a water
buffalo giving off it's mating call while simultaneously yelping in
pain from being lit on fire, while his playing sounds similar to a
dull chainsaw going through an anvil, only less musical. I guess we
have to file this mystery under "Unsolved" and call Robert Stack,
because there's no way to ever measure which is worse, they're both
that shitty. Anyway, the only good thing this loser did was die.
It's truly a pity he couldn't have done that before entering the music
field, thus saving everyone's ears from the torturous sound he
produced.

#3 - Bob Dylan

Oh yes, Bob Dylan, the all-time worst singer, musician, and songwriter
to ever desecrate the music industry. Quite honestly, I think a long
turn on the rack would be better than ever listening to "Like a
Rolling Stone" or "Blowin' in the Wind." And you know you are the
worst performer in history when William Shatner does a better version
of "Mr. Tambourine Man" than you. And this goes double for his wannabe
clone, Tom Petty, who's twice as bad because he's trying to be like
this blood-curdling hack. Speaking of which, as a sub-set of this
pissant, we have this band:

Remember this joke? Bob Dylan, Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison,
and George Harrison all in one band. At first, you'd think "oh
NOOOOOO!" and start running in circles while wetting yourself. Then
again, some of you might do that anyway, what do I know? I was
actually somewhat happy that they all teamed up, because what it meant
was that you could avoid all of the world's worst musicians in one
fell swoop. It's like they were doing us a favor by releasing just
one collective pile of shit rather than several solo deficative
efforts (NOTE: "deficative" may not actually be a word).

#2 - The Beatles

The Beatles are horrible on many different levels. First of all, they
are way overrated. Geniuses? Oh, I don't think so. Second, they
paved the way for the marriage between music and drugs which to this
day has ruined rock 'n' roll. And of course, there's the music. What
the hell is going on there? I'll give them "Let it Be" and "Penny
Lane," but what else is any good? Of course, everyone knows the
answer is absolutely nothing. The best thing they ever did as a band
was break up. The best thing any member did on his own was get
killed.

And now, drumroll please...

#1 - The Doors

The Doors are so awful and pathetic that they are easily the worst
band ever in the history of anything, hands down, no contest. Someone
gutting a squirrel would be more pleasurable to listen to and easier
on the ears than this group of no-talent, drunken losers. Jim
Morrison a lyrical poet? Hardly. I know an inebriated bum who spouts
off meaningless drivel on the corner, does that make him a genius too?
Not even close. The best, and only good thing that douchebag Jim
Morrison did was drop dead.

HONORABLE MENTION - Nirvana

Yeah, there's some really respectable looking guys there, huh? Pardon
me while I go lock my doors. Nirvana wasn't even around long enough
to qualify as one of the worst bands in history. They were a
flash-in-the-pan, one-hit wonder band that got glorified by the masses
who are too stupid to understand what talent is. Kurt Cobain wrote
one hit and then faded into a haze of obscurity and heroin. Somehow I
guess that makes him a genius. The band became so unknown that the
only way to get attention was for Cobain to bless the world and kill
himself. Too bad he couldn't take that skank Courtney Love with him.
The only--and I mean ONLY good thing to come from this band was Dave
Grohl and the Foo Fighters. Other than that, I can think of nothing.

So there you have it, the worst bands of all time. Ironically,
looking through this list, I see that most of the entries were and
still are very popular. I think this speaks volumes for the mentality
of the general public, unfortunately. And one more time, tell me that
these guys aren't the poster boys for Men Alone 2: The KY Connection?

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