[Belatedly posted - ed.] in honour of Talk Like A Pirate Day 9-19:

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his
crotch.

The bartender asks, "Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking
out of your crotch?"

The pirate responds, "Arrr. It's drivin' me nuts."
--
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This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/08/Sep/pirate_wheel.html

"It's not like that in the magical world, 'Arry," Hagrid said, voice
lowered in concern. "Y'see, when Vol... well, when _You-Know-Who_
set up a trust deposit insurance scheme, 'e didn't account for rising
interest rates. And 'e didn't give codflakes about whether it would
influence currency issues abroad, or take into account nominal
seasonal fluctuations in the GNP as accounted for in Dumbledore's
rules. See, _that's_ what makes him so evil, Harry; by doin' this he
unpinned meaningful values from real estate an' just left 'em
floatin', an' so the loss in equity was inevitable..."

* * *

Harry's capitalization pool was starting to roll over. He knew there
was fallout risk. With a quick glance at Ron and Hermione he added a
short hedge of soft dollars and stirred in some FASB No. 8. ...

Why does Sarah Palin wear skirts whenever she's campaigning?

Because all her pants are on fire.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks
out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

--
Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@netfunny.com.
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Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject
"Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"?

A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain a computer virus!

Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject
"Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"?

A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain nude pictures of
Hillary Clinton!

How many members of the Republican Party does it take to change a
light bulb?

Answer: TEN...

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb
needs to be changed,

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the
new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing
on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished",

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush
was literally "in the dark" the whole time,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how John McCain
has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along,

When providing phone support to one of my clients, this exchange
actually took place.

Me: Now type C:\Program Files\Filemaker\example.dat
Client: Which key is the backslash?
Me: Did you go to the Command prompt like I instructed you?
Client: Yes.
Me: Do you see the C:\ on the screen?
Client: Yes. But what key is it?
Me: Can you see your keyboard?
Client: Yes. But which key is it?
Me: You use a lot of different style keyboards there and it can be
located above or below the Enter key.
Client: But which key is it?
Me: Can you see the backslash on the screen? Look for that symbol on
your keyboard.
Client: But which key is it?
Me: I can be there in a few hours.

We were leaving an Indian restaurant yesterday. We passed another couple
on our way out. The woman was describing an SUV: "It was so big that you
could run over a family of four, and you wouldn't even notice!" "Yeah,"
he replied, "and there'd still be enough room to toss 'em in the back!"

--
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Support the EFF today.
Read my letter at http://www.templetons.com/brad/eff.html to find out why.
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This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/08/Aug/suv.html

As noted in many recent news stories, Premier Election Solutions
(a subsidiary of Diebold) has acknowledged a flaw that causes their
voting machine systems to lose votes. Diebold initially blamed
anti-virus software, but they have since admitted that the bug was
their code not recording votes in "certain circumstances".

"Certain circumstances?" Like "if ( party == democratic )" maybe?

--
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This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/08/Aug/diebold.html

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a
small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again
the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an
elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some
of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for
a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession,
but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'