Review of Teams

Easy - Team Manly Pink
*Dan Hibiki, Street Fighter series, Marvel versus Capcom 2
*Kirby, Nintendo, Super Smash Bros. Melee
*Luigi, Nintendo, Luigi's Mansion (equipment: flashlight, Poltergust
3000, Game Boy Horror)

Medium - Team Unfair Advantage
*Seta Soujirou, Rurouni Kenshin, post Kyoto
*Snake, Metal Gear Series, post Sons of Liberty (equipment: tranq gun,
cardboard box, cigarettes)
*Zhuge Liang, styled Kongming, Dynasty Warriors series, circa Battle of
Chi Bi (starting
stats and weapon, no extra equipment)

Hard - Team Pyrrhic Victory
*Alexander Anderson, Hellsing, post anime debut
*Legato Bluesummers, Trigun, right before he snuffs it in the anime
*Xelloss, Slayers Try, post series

---

Prelude

The door opens before I can insert my key and I blink as I see a
smiling Xelloss greet me. "Hello again! I hope next year you move into
a bigger apartment, especially if you're going to do three teams!"

I try to see past him, but he blocks my view every time. "What?" Then
realization dawns, and I start to feel just a bit faint. "Don't tell
me everyone arrived at once."

"Of course they did! What else can you expect of a New Year's
Challenge?" He smiles at me. "But don't worry, keeping the peace isn't
one of the tasks this time."

"Xelloss-san." Belldandy is now looming behind Xelloss, a stern
expression on her face. As he cringes beneath her holy aura and loving
disapproval, she turns her attention towards me and smiles. "Don't
worry, I have everything under control."

Somehow I fail to feel completely reassured.

Introductions are made all around, but other than Dan, Xelloss,
Kongming and Kirby everyone pretty much stays to themselves. Belldandy
not only serves as the peacekeeper, but also translator and volunteer
cook when she discovers that my idea of a well-balanced meal is
crackers and ramen. She also pulls me aside and warns me about
Marller, as I'm the only one who shows any recognition of the world she
hails from and is worried that most of my team-members would not be
able (or willing, in Team Pyhrric Victory's case) to help.

"Because of Yggsadril's situation, my powers are insufficient to help
much, I'm afraid." She looks apologetic.

I smile. "You're already a great help, Belldandy."

As the apartment is far too small to house thirteen people for an
entire week, I decide to register us into NewYearCon so that we would
have something to do during the day.

Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a long, long
seven days.

(Assuming Japanese manga-Marller below.)

---

Easy Mission - Save the Cosplay Catpeople!

Curse me and my affinity for felines.

Those of you following along at home knows the story by now, right?
Crazy otaku guy, a list of increasingly bizarre demands, and a roomful
of hostages--of which I am one, because Xelloss somehow finagled me
into it. (Although I have to admit I was rather flattered when my
guests unanimously declared that I was "socute".)

My 'reward' for making a snarky remark at my captor is to bring the
list of demands to the negotiator at the door, who is standing
alongside my team. I'm not going to question the logic of what they're
doing there--I need them to get me (and the rest of the hostages, of
course) out of there.

I. Team Manly Pink

"--and don't try anything funny!" A voice from the back declares. "I
can hear you!"

"Who's Bea Arthur?" Luigi wanted to know when I give him and Dan the
task of collecting as many items on the list as they could find, and
helping the negotiator talk with the hostage taker in between trips.

"Wikipedia is your friend," I answer, bringing up the link on a nearby
laptop.

Dan boggled. "Dan has met many strange people, but this guy is
definitely way off the deep end!"

"Quiet, or you'll make things worse!" I make a subtle pointing motion
towards the auditorium at Kirby and he understands at once. When I
re-enter the group of hostages I'm accompanied by a small pink puffball
using its tiny size to remain undetected.

The list is fulfilled bit by bit, with Luigi and Dan entering
alternately and giving the worst shonen-retard-esque speeches I have
ever heard in my life--although to be fair, Luigi did strike a bit of a
chord with the hostage taker with his talks about always being second
banana and Dan made all of us laugh with his Saikyo Style Diplomacy.

As this goes on Kirby locates the bomb that had been planted by the
hostage taker to keep the police from charging in and taking over--and
when the hostage taker tries to make a run for it, he gets a quick
visit to the insides of Kirby's stomach as well.

After he gets regurgitated, he quite wisely decides that he prefers
prison.

II. Omake - Team Unfair Advantage
(Ahaha quite unfair indeed. Any of the team members could solo and I'd
still pass with flying colors.)

It's evident that Kongming already has a plan of action when I hand him
the list, for I don't see Snake or Soujirou anywhere. "Worry not;
everything is within the palm of my hand," he tells me in Chinese (ah,
the advantage of being fluent in more than one language).

On my way back I almost trip over a cardboard box that seems to have
appeared out of nowhere...

Well, you should know the rest of the story: Snake disables the bomb
with ease, Soujirou speedninjas the hostage taker and scares him
shitless, Kongming smirks and gloats about how awesome he is in his
usual roundabout mysterious manner. I almost feel sorry for the guy
for messing with this group.

III. Omake - Team Pyhrric Victory
(In reality, this would most likely end in complete disaster, but I'm
an immature sore loser, so.)

Xelloss just smiles his eerie smile at me when I approach. "I think
it's time to collect on the loan of goodwill you've been taking out
over the past few years, don't you think?"

Sigh, I must be some sort of masochist for picking this team. "I'm all
for repaying debts, but what about Belldandy?"

"What about her?" Xelloss' tone is flippant, but his cheerful visage
has begun to crack just a bit.

"C'mon, Xelloss, do I have to spell it out for you?" I cross my arms.
"You're the smart one, figure out a solution that doesn't upset
Belldandy but can still satisfy your penchant for dastardly deeds."

Xelloss pouts. "That's cheating."

"What's taking so long over there?" The hostage taker demands.

"Gimme a minute! Naked pictures of Bea Arthur aren't exactly available
over Google Images!" I yell back.

Xelloss raises a finger. "Actually--"

I sigh. "Look, at least start getting some of this stuff together,
alright? If you really want me to be the one to come up with a plan I
need some time first."

Xelloss is back to smiles again as he catches me worrying over all the
ways everything could go horribly, horribly wrong. "Take as much time
as you like, but I can't guarentee when the Spanish Inquisition--" He
nods towards Legato and Anderson, who are locked in a contest of wills,
"--might jump the gun."

"Remember Belldandy," I warn as I head back inside.

After that, it becomes a game of chicken between me and Xelloss to see
which one of us would crack first. Personally, I don't care too much
about a bloodbath, since I don't need to resolve the hostage crisis
with this team; the only thing on the line for me is my pride. And
although the Wrath of Belldandy (tm) isn't something to be trifiled
with, I have a feeling Xelloss would be willing to endure it if it
meant some extra murder and mayhem.

Meanwhile, Xelloss is at least honorable enough to fulfill the items on
the list, although he of course takes his sweet time and does it in a
fashion that also frustrates the hostage taker--the cheese in the
helmet is made of foam, the M&Ms have all been in someone's mouth,
etcetera and so forth.

"Ooh, that does it!" The man screams when he discovers that the naked
pictures of Bea Arthur are photoshopped. He snatches me up and points
a surgical knife to my throat. "It's spaying time!"

'What, no anethesia?' I almost ask out loud, but think better of it.

That's when the back wall implodes. Panic ensues as smoke and dust
billows into the room.

"Anderson, you idiot!" I scream, as he's the only one on my team who
would bother with such an entrance. "He's got a bomb!"

Except the man holding me hostage isn't pressing the trigger, but
collapsed on the floor gasping for air. It doesn't take me long to
spot Legato standing among the chaos, his expression unreadable.

"Aren't you going to stop him?" Xelloss asks, appearing next to me and
surveying the scene.

"Aren't you?" I ask in return, stepping over the man as I leave the
room. "Hey, thanks," I say to Legato when I pass him.

---

Medium Challenge - Thwart Marller!

After the catpeople crisis is averted, I decide to tackle finding
Marller next--while she does like antagonizing the Goddesses, she
generally doesn't show up until after her nefarious plans have
succeeded, Belldandy has vague senses of a bigger threat looming; I
would have enough trouble solving that particular challenge without
demonic interference. I gather my team and we head out, a plan of
action slowly forming in my mind.

I. Omake - Team Manly Pink
(Wow, Dan and Luigi actually get to be useful! Hurrah! XD)

"Anything on the Game Boy Horror yet, Luigi?" I ask as I get out of the
car. His instruments should be able to pick up supernatural objects,
and perhaps Marller might consider us a tempting enough target, too.

He shakes his head. "No, nothing yet."

Dan rolls out of the car, flexing his muscles in a triumphant gesture
as he rights himself. "Oosha! No creature of darkness is a match
against the might of the Saikyou Ryu! Yosh!"

It takes quite a bit of self control to stop myself from laughing, but
I do appreciate Dan's presense. His undiminishable exuberance and
optimism should give Marller quite the headache if she were in the
area.

Meanwhile, Kirby is tasting everything he can get his mouth on to see
if he can gain any interesting new powers. I don't know how useful his
skills would be against a demonness, but it's always good to have his
kind of firepower around just in case.

It takes quite a bit of roaming through town, but Luigi does manage to
locate the Demon CD. At this, Marller can no longer stay hidden and
challenges us to a contest of wills. While Dan distracts her with
taunting, I play the System of a Down mix disc that I never did quite
get around to giving back to my little brother and turn up the volume.
As Marller dances uncontrollably to "Toxcitiy", I call Belldandy on the
phone for a consultation for what to do about her (and by extension,
the discs).

One bicker-and-haggle session later, Marller has unhappily left the
mortal plane, and the two discs are returned to whever they're being
stored when they're not out being a plot point.

II. Team Unfair Advantage
(Ooh, this one might actually be the hardest challenge from a technical
point of view!)

After I go over Marller's abilities and weaknesses, I begin discussing
an actual plan of action. "Of course we need to find Marller first.
And preferrably before she does anything nefarious."

Kongming is also thoughtful. "Perhaps I can conduct a ritual to ask
the local spirits."

Snake shrugs. "Otacon's the guy who's good at building strange
contraptions, not me."

Soujirou is clueless, playing DDR and singing along with the music.
"What am I gonna do/if I cannot get through/counting all these freckles
in my life..."

I didn't like the idea of using ourselves as bait, but so far that
seemed to be the only option. "Belldandy, Keichi, I don't know whether
or not Marller will try to target you, so would you accompany us while
we make preparations?"

Belldandy smiles. "Of course, we'd be glad to."

I turn to Snake. "Snake, since we can't all fit in my car I'm going to
leave you here. If Mara shows up, call me on my cell phone right
away."

He nods. "Will do." As I pry a reluctant Soujirou from the television,
he begins thumbing through the games I rented.

Marller interrupts our shopping trip before we can even leave the
parking lot. "Feh, this won't even be a challenge!"

Kongming raises an eyebrow and points to Soujirou. "Is that so? Why, I
bet you wouldn't even be able to lay a finger on this young man here!"

"We'll see about that!" Marller rushes Soujirou, only to be
sidestepped. "What the--?"

Kongming clicked his tongue. "What sort of demonness are you, if a
mere mortal gives you this much trouble?"

"Whee, this is fun!" Soujirou declares, keeping himself a half a step
ahead of Marller.

I step out of the car. "All right, Keichi, change of plans. You and
Belldandy go back to my place and get Snake. You won't have problems
finding your way, right?"

"What about you?" Belldandy asks, worried.

"I'll be fine."

"But--" She stops herself and smiles at me. "Of course. Be careful,
all right?"

While Soujirou (and Kongming) provide distraction, I sneak past Marller
into the mall and by as many good luck charms as I can get my hands on,
as well as the largest stereo system I can fit into a shopping cart and
the first rock compilation CD I come across. I make it back outside
just in time to see Marller lose her temper and charge up a magical
spell.

Grabbing the good luck charms, I leave the stereo behind a car and
circle around to Marller's back. "Soujirou! Catch!"

Soujirou's fast enough to get the magical charms from me, but he's too
late to stop Marller from casting. The last thing I see before my
vision goes dark is a half dozen or so charms fly onto Marller's body
via Soujirou's godspeed.

Afterwards, Snake fills me in on what I missed - he arrived on the
scene to find me turned into a lime green new model Beetle, Soujirou
pasting charms on Marller like crazy, and Kongming deducing the purpose
of the stereo system. One quick expository scene later, Marller was
immobilized via the power of music and it didn't take much more
convincing to have her turn me back.

III. Omake - Team Pyhhric Victory
(Dude, Marller doesn't stand a chance.)

Xelloss pauses in the middle of the sidewalk and turns around, shaking
a finger at me. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

I scoff. "It's not like you haven't noticed."

"Indeed. The air reeks with an aura most foul, and I don't mean the
two monsters here," Anderson growls.

I sigh. "Listen, all we need to do is survive the week without
requiring Belldandy to use her magic. I think Marller's smart enough
to not mess with the likes of you three, and as long as we keep a close
eye over Keichi we'll be fine."

"But where's the fun in that?" Xelloss makes a melodramatic gesture.
"I was all looking forward to the Judas Priest here being transformed
into the Popemobile!"

That, I admit, does make me laugh a bit. "Tempting, but no."

---

Hard Challenge - Save the Spider, Save the World!

"You do realize you've just introduced a time paradox," I mutter,
pinching the bridge of my nose. "But you're right, that thing does
need to be stopped." I draw in a long breath. "Boy, this isn't going
to be fun."

"Time paradox?" Hiro repeats, before he understands what I'm talking
about. "Oh, no! I may have jeopardized the very future I wish to
save!"

"It depends on how the rules work where you're from, I suppose." I pat
him on the shoulder. "But let's not worry about the implications until
after we kick his butt."

I. Omake - Team Manly Pink

Do I really even need to 'fic about the disaster that ensues? Kirby
(and Hiro, if he's in a condition to help) are the only ones who stand
any kind of chance against the giant robot, and after that, I have no
idea how to deal with Carnage-Spidey. Maybe if we can find someplace
that has some serious high-end audio equipment, Dan can taunt Carnage
into submission? And perhaps the Poltergust 3000 can suck up and hold
an alien symbiote?

Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.

To review: Robot destroyed, yes. Carnage defeated, a very big maybe.
Spidey saved, I'd say no.

II. Omake - Team Unfair Advantage

A giant nuclear robot piloted by a superhero possessed by an alien
symbiote? Sounds like Snake's kind of day! Except he doesn't have any
weapons other than the tranq gun, so we'll have to detour somewhere and
get Snake a weapons permit. Hopefully I can find my gun fanatic
buddies and have them put together an arsenal that works.

Battoru for Everlasting Peace goes here! Kongming, as usual, provides
tactical and occasional laser support (Koei, how I love thee, let me
name the ways). Soujirou is fast enough to take out the
Carnage-possessed Spidey, and if Hiro is able to help as well, then he
might be able to time-freeze Carnage before he skip hosts.

To review: Robot destroyed, yes, because Snake is made of win like
that. Carnage defeated, yes. Spidey saved, maybe.

III. Team Pyhrric Victory
(Ahaha. Um. I'll let you decide the fate of the world on this one.)

"Oh, my. What brilliant plan do you have this time?" Xelloss ponders,
looking rather disturbingly happy. Anderson's already charged ahead to
do battle with the robot, destroying whatever happens to be in their
path.

"Well, Anderson's bound to win sooner or later, and he'd probably be
able to take on Carnage-Spidey too." I finish running scenarios in my
head and come to a decision. "And after that, it's just a matter of
who Carnage gets to first." I am gambling on the fact that my teammates
hate each other enough to destroy the possessee, but a handful of
deaths was preferable to the world going into a nuclear winter.

Xelloss reads my mind and raises an eyebrow. "Aren't you worried that
we're going to thwart your plans?"

I shrug. "Well, serves me right for running up your tab, right?"

After one Exciting Battle Sequence that I'm too lazy to describe, the
giant robot is scrap and Carnage-Spidey decends on the scene, pissed
that someone dared to interrupt his fun.

"Can't let Mr. Anderson there have all the fun," Xelloss mused. He
smiled at Legato. "Shall we dance?"

"All you need to do is subdue Spiderman, not kill him!" I reminded him
as he took off.

"Well, nonlethal force would be more challenging." Xelloss smiled
again. "Leave it to me."

I follow along behind surrepticiously. By the time I get there, poor
Spiderman has been beaten within an inch of his life, and Carnage is
sloughing off him, unable to believe that it has lost.

I draw in a breath. Well, only one shot at this, after all.

Xelloss makes no effort to stop me as I make my move, just smiling his
enigmatic smile. "See you next year, Miss Warner."

With one fantastic lunge, Carnage attempts to possess Legato, but I
leap into his path--

Was the world saved? Who knows? Who cares?

This body isn't as powerful as the old one, but beggars can't be
choosers, after all. And there seems to be some sort of hidden power
called "Meta" that needs to be looked into.

Oh, and one more thing.

Bill? We need to talk~~