On Thu, 27 Sep 2007 17:00:12 -0700, "zzbunker@netscape.net"
netscape.net> wrote:

Are you an underprivileged 12-year-old homey living in the 'hood? Do
you have no idea who your daddy is? If you do know your father, you're
probably about as unpopular as a 15-year-old white girl who hasn't yet
experienced lesbianism with multiple partners in a public venue. In
other words, you're hated by your peers (and are ostracized by your
school).

For the 96%% of you who DON'T know who your daddy is, consider yourself
lucky. Since your "moms" has no idea who he is (and she hasn't been
invited to the Maury Povich Show to find out), you can do what you
always do - lie your ass off! Unlike white kids (or those black kids
at your school who speak proper English who you call "white") you get
to actually CHOOSE who your daddy will be. It doesn't matter -
nobody's actually sure. Saniqua's been hooking up with every Leshon,
Dick and Harry in the tri-state area since she was 14, and you're
probably related to pretty much everyone in your neighborhood as it
is.

All you have to decide is what TYPE of homey you would like for a
father. Here's the list:

1) Afro-Centric Phony: These people are a disgrace to their heritage.
You'll see them in the ghetto wearing the most ridiculous African garb
that people from Kenya and Tanaznia are forced to make fun of. They
have no sense of history, current events, culture, or language arts,
yet will hold themselves up as "experts" on all things African. Most
of these people are extremely fat, and will justify their use of
wearing large shower curtains instead of
pants by saying that it's their "cultural" tradition. A great way to
"keep it real." They will also give themselves and their children
phony African names like "Uhuru," which (as every white Star Trek geek
with tape on his glasses knows is Swahili for "freedom").

2) Pseudo Intellectual - Similar to the Afro-Centric Phony, the Pseudo
Intellectual will spout off all sorts of fraudulent statistcs and will
make excuses for the rapant crime, drug abuse, and fatherless children
in your community (with an added emphasis on the final syllable "ty"
to make himself sound even more intelligent). The Psuedo Intellectual
homey will also use his index finger excessively. He will hold it up
like bin Laden when he's making a "point," and will use it to point to
his temple to talk about his "intelligence." He will also impress
every fat skank in your area code with his overuse of hackneyed
cliches such as "Math is Power," or "The CIA brings in drugs."

3) Petty Thug - Your father could be a drug dealer, jockey-boxer,
purse-snatcher, or simple thief. I know this isn't the most glamorous
type of father, but at least you won't be accused of being white (like
the kid whose dad is an Intel engineer does).

4) Hardened Thug - If your dad's a murderer, rapist, or other hardened
criminal, you could have a problem. Sure, you will be respected by
everyone at your school (should you choose to go), but there's a very
good chance that if he gets out of the joint, he's going to kill you
(then blame it on "Post Traumatic Slave Disorder," a faux mental
condition created by our esteemed Pseudo Intellectual homey).

5) Loafer/Bum - You could always have a dad that's not burdened by
work or those other things you deem to be "white." Many homies have
made a very fulfilling career out of doing absolutely nothing. Even
though he doesn't work, the Loafer/Bum dad sure as hell won't spend
any time with you. He'd rather be out on the corner drinking pimp
juice, shucking, jiving, loafing, goofing, and saying "let me have a
dollar" to everyone who walks by. It's an art form. And like most art
forms, the Ward Cleavers of the white community don't see it as worthy
of financial compensation. That's fine, because your dad is most
likely on the dole.

6) Teen Dad - Of course, if you're 12, your dad could be as old as 25,
so he's not technically a "teen." However, that won't stop him from
challenging you to a game of b-ball or trying to get your 12 year old
girlfriend into bed. Be carefull.

7) Community Leader - This is perhaps the easiest position to get into
if you're a homey. You don't need any intelligence, morals, or
leadership ability whatsoever. Just look at how popular Marion Barry
is. Now think about the local Marion Barrys in your town. Pretty
pathetic, aren't they? This is an excellent position for a homey thug
father. Not only do you get the best pussy, you get to blame virtually
every vice you have on whitey. Plus, the media (as well as the urban
legend believing members of your town) will fall all over themselves
to kiss your ass. If you have one of these as a dad, you may in fact
get some sloppy seconds.

8) Po-litical Activist/Professional Victim - Al Sharpton embodies this
better than anybody else. All you need to do in order to be a
"political activist" in the hood is register to vote. That's all. You
don't even have to actually vote (which is good, because you don't
know how to vote anyway). Like the Community Leader, the Po-litical
Activist makes a living through a healthy mix of graft, embezzlement,
extortion, and asking Shamiqua for a do-nation.

9) Mr. Hoop Dreams - You may want to have a father that was the best
basketball player in his high school before he dropped out to join the
NBA (which didn't accept him). Your daddy's basketball prowess means
absolutely nothing to the real world, but will make you the hero of
your entire block. The fact that he can't get a job (even if he wanted
one) is fine with you. After all, the last thing you want is a father
who would put any pressure on you to succeed. That would be too
"white."

10) Bill Clinton - Finally, if you really want to attract attention to
yourself (one of the pillars of Keeping it Real), just say that your
"moms" had sex with Bill Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas.
Statistically, there are at least ten of you out there, and you'll
either be able to extort money out of him or sell your story to the
Enquirer. Either way, you get to
demonstrate one of the main aspects of being a homey - elevating
people who have nothing but disdain for your community (like when
people called Clinton "The First Black President").

So that's it in a nutshell. Pick a dad, then tell your mom which one
you want for Father's Day. And don't worry. Since you're 12, it's not
long before you yourself will be blessed with being a parent (which
will be your cue to exit, stage left).