FarStar wrote:
>> Jay Grant wrote:
>>
>>> Too funny ... You take yourself too seriously. It is a free
>>> poetry newsgroup for christsake (not a university lecture hall)
>>> If you don't like it (which I didn't) then just ignore the damn
>>> thing.
>>>
>>
>> No. Simply "no". The guy posts a poem, and yet we're expected not
>> to say whatever we want about it? Why should I ignore it? Or -
>> given I "should" ignore it - why can't you and he ignore my reply?
>> Where does all that
>
>
> then could you not ignore my poem, I've posted it all over and
> haven't gotten one response,
I didn't say I "couldn't ignore" a particular poem, only that there is
no rule which says I "should" ignore a particular poem. Different words,
see?
> like should I have stuck with the compacted assonance at the begging
> or was it kind of relaxing as I found to open up and loosen up the
> collage of sound I was creating, Did I drop the ball of thought
> coming off the line live, laugh love like we all know we should..
> transferring onto what I thought was a relevant corollary of living
> means to end and how often it gets so jumbled with end to a means as
> so many things masquerad to be quite the opposite. And how did you
> like my ending closing off the corollary offshoot thought of gadgets
> of distraction, should I have made the poem longer and put a second
> ending to the main body, or did it come off as a journey through a
> gasmine field that I posted in alt.arts.poetry.urban
"The massive racked pipe attack
vertical mass distraction of natural gas
resevoir hor derves percolating aquifers
shining dollar signs in greedy vines
that climb the highest rites
twining in around about below ground
slurping and CO2 burbing
pumps and thrumps that bump
and slurp and suck and
pucker up for that last bit
of rat hole leavings left at the ends.
Met with mud flogging the bet,
the rent gets paid
and Daddy gets to drive his crash car.
And Mom stays warm all winter long
and Brother Lonney gets a chance
at screwing up the planet just as bad
just as bad as his grandparents thought they had.
And to laugh, cry, live, love
like we all know we should...
Gadgets of distraction, thinking we need
this that or the other weed growing just there
because it offsets the symmetry of the lawn
that thinks when it yawns, "if you hadn't been
so preoccupied by buying time, you wouldn't
have had needed that offset for that painful ride"
taste creating tastes and lifestyle pastes
commutes brought less wasted by radio chains
that link and propagate consumer priorities
"I'll be that sexy if I buy that underwear,"
lensing flairs for this or that into your normality
twisting your needs and self-identity
until one day you heard the normal thing
to do was to get braces
no matter how painful it is
for something as cosmetic as marangue on lemon pie"
3/9/2008
-Vic
You know...it sounds like you are trying too hard by a good amount -
it's a trifle hysteric, and almost every line is an awkward mouthful
(this isn't to mention the misspellings), and one has a sense that rhyme
is metastisizing. There are also a lot of phrases which just lie there
panting thin air: "taste creating tastes and lifestyle pastes" for one
example, which combines a dull repetition with a rather obvious leap at
rhyme. It strikes me [initially] as an empty exercise in not-so-
revelatory sound/nonsense, and far too busy. A sort of a headache-
generator. And when it does emerge from this plodding cloud of
logorrhea, the sense it does impart is rather didactic or sentimental...
"and Daddy gets to drive his crash car / And Mom stays warm all winter
long / and Brother Lonney gets a chance / at screwing up the planet just
as bad / just as bad as his grandparents thought they had. / And to
laugh, cry, live, love / like we all know we should..." - it's not so
compelling as an observation or as satire, or whatever, and all the more
easily discernible comments are of this nature. One readthrough shows
that any difficulty in "getting it" is merely superficial, and the
message is really just another browbeating bit of sociological
surface-skimming. In a rough way, this is just another form of "puzzle
poem" in which - once the facade of mystery is stripped away, we are
left with nothing more than the usual run of things. And - minor point -
meringue ISN'T merely cosmetic on lemon pie: it lends texture and a
slight creaminess that softens the tartness of the lemons.
COSMETIC AS LEMONS
The massive rack of pipes
in vertical gas distraction,
natural and reserved
in percolation of aquifers and dollars
climbing the whitest heights
twined in CO2.
The pumps that pucker
against rat holes and better
the rent gets paid on the crash car,
and Mom winters in chance,
screwed in the planet
like a gadget of distraction.
We think, we need
because symmetry is preoccupied
by buyer's remorse,
offset by painful tastes
and lifestyle commutation
less chained by sex radios,
so we propagate in lenses
and self-identified flares
until one day
the normal braces
the painful,
cosmetic as lemons.
dmh
