>
>
> The Oval Intervention
> E-MailPrint Save By MAUREEN DOWD
> Published: December 9, 2006
> It is not a happy mood in the Oval Office.
>
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> Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times
> Maureen Dowd.
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> Poppy is sobbing, his face in his hands, slumped in one of the
> yellow-and-blue striped chairs. Laura is screaming the words "Oscar
> de la Renta" and "rendition" into her cellphone, still seeing red
> after showing up at a White House gala in the same $8,400 red gown as
> three other women who did not happen to be first lady.
>
> Bob Gates is grim-faced, but not as grim-faced as Barbara, whose look
> could freeze not only the Potomac but the Tigris and the Euphrates.
> Scowcroft is over on the couch, trying to nap while Kissinger drones
> softly in his ear.
>
> And, of course, there is the Deprogrammer for the Decider, James Baker,
> perfectly suited in bright green tie and suited perfectly for his spot
> behind the president's desk.
>
> The Council of Elders had hoped this Apocalypto moment wouldn't be
> necessary. They had assumed that the scorching Iraq Study Group report
> would have the same effect on Junior as the bucket of cold water that
> Mr. Baker's strict father, a lawyer known as "the Warden," used
> to throw on his face to wake him up as a boy.
>
> But Junior is trying to wriggle away completely, offering a decidedly
> cool response to the attempt to yank him into the reality-based
> community. He rallied his last two allies - his English poodle and
> his Scottish terrier, Blair and Barney.
>
> He is loath to give up his gunslinger pose to go all diplo. He cleaves
> to the neocon complaint that it is the realists who are now being
> unrealistic, thinking the administration can bargain with Syria and
> Iran, or that the Army can train Iraqi security forces (or, as they are
> known there, death squads) in a matter of months when they haven't
> been able to do it in years.
>
> The Velvet Hammer is undeterred. He's doing an all-out intervention,
> locking Junior and Barney in the little study next to the Oval. To
> stress the seriousness of the situation, they don't give the
> president his feather pillow.
>
> The group gathers at the door of the study. "My boy," his dad tells
> him between sobs. "We love you. We're here for you. We're worried
> about you. You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting others.
> This is a safe place. No one's judging you ..."
>
> "What are you talking about, Dad?" Junior snaps. "I just actually
> read 96 pages of your friends' judging me in that cowpie report."
> Barney woofs in support.
>
> Barbara can be heard muttering from across the room. "We were right
> about Jebbie."
>
> Henry the K lumbers up to the door and in a low Teutonic rumble says:
> "It's time we stopped taking care of you and started caring about
> you. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
>
> Junior is getting even more furious. "You all think you're so
> realist. But you're unrealist. I'm realist. Are you sitting at my
> desk, Baker? Get out of there! Everyone says you're so Mr. Ride to
> the Rescue, but none of your surrender monkey ideas would work. Talk
> about Pretend Land - Israel giving up the Golan Heights? Yeah, right.
> And they call me delusional."
>
> Baker glides up to the door and says, in his most satiny drawl, "Son,
> I just threw a few D.O.A. ones in there for you to reject so you could
> preserve your manhood."
>
> There are sounds of feet stomping. "You say I can't stay the course
> but I can too stay the course!" Junior yells. "I can! I can! You
> say I have to put the two trillion dollar war cost in the budget, but I
> don't! You say we have to cuddle up to evildoers in Iran and Syria.
> Why do you hate the troops? Where's Condi? I want my Condi!"
>
> Realizing the president is getting hysterical, the group looks at
> Laura, hoping she can calm him down.
>
> She approaches the door and coos in a soft voice: "Bushie? Listen,
> now, this is important. How do you get someone audited? Can't we send
> Oscar de la Loser to Gitmo?"
>
> Baker gently nudges Laura aside. "Now son, hear me out. We've
> disabled your enablers. Rummy has written his last self-serving memo.
> Dick's got his hands full explaining his darlin' new grandchild's
> Two Mommies. Don't bother calling for Condi. She's at the bottom of
> Foggy Bottom. You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to
> fold 'em."
>
> It's not sinking in. "We must achieve our objective," Junior
> sputters. "Our objective is success. To succeed we must have success.
> If we don't win, we lose. We are the winners. We can't let the ...
> we're in an ideological struggle and that's why we have a strategy
> ... AL QAEDA! We must help democracy in Iraq succeed because ...
> ISLAMOFASCISTS! ... that is the objective of a successful ..."
>
> Barney scratches at the door, trying to cut and run.
>
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> Robert Cohen wrote:
>>>>> G.W. Bush Presidential Library contents include:
>>>>>
>>>>> 10. Very nice custom collection of Classic Comics with glossaries..
>>>>> 9. Souvenir menus from Ho Chi Minh City & Baghdad (Thanksgiving items),
>>>>> and a Crawford Dinner's blue-plate special 50 cents off coupon.
>>>>> 8. Volumes of "New Departure"......uh.... bicycle brakes.
>>>>> 7. Barney the dog video footage, when Barney was really, really cute.
>>>>> 6. Telephone recording of landmark profound conversation with George
>>>>> Steinbrenner about A-Rod's excellent playing potential
>>>>> 5. Photo of John Kerrey wind-surfing & wearing elevator shoes,
>>>>> inscribed with "I thought so, thanks Karl. GWB"
>>>>> 4. Plaque from Oval Office desk: "The buck collapses here"
>>>>> 3. Bag of stale ("exp 1/'09") pretzels
>>>>> 2. (if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya)
>>>>> 1. Victoria Secrets catalog collection (all addressed to: "Occupant or
>>>>> B Clinton," 1600 Penn Ave. Wash, D.C.)
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Robert Cohen wrote:
>>>>>>>> Tonite's the night, completely.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> I'll be tivoing, distinctly.(discretely?)
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Tonite's the nite, with Danny on the air
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Will I enjoy it, tomorrow?
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Refrain: Da-dah da-dah, da-da-dy
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> et cetera.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> And so, the next day via tivo:
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Intoduction, the #1 consumer of Jello instant pudding.....,
>>>>>>>> the squirrel played with nuts in Central Park...TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
>>>>>>>> theme song....
>>>>>>>> presentations of fractured caption cartoons, yellow box of baking
>>>>>>>> soda--FLOATS, more of
>>>>>>>> the semi-usual stuff, the top 10....and....
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Danny's filmography includes so many flics that he makes every
>>>>>>>> other colorful character actor into redundantly another familiar
>>>>>>>> colorful character actor
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: THANKS, I needed that after what's gonna happen in a few days on
>>>>>>>> THE VIEW
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Well, I please the public, as Alan Kalter will tell ya his body
>>>>>>>> really hurts because of my entertaining
>>>>>>>> the public with faux slapstick this
>>>>>>>> and fake falling that.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Ya know I did THROW GRANDMA FROM THE BUS, and we've not located her
>>>>>>>> .
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Well, I don't do bits with Grandmother, plus there's something
>>>>>>>> unethical about nepotism.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Don't get so mighty 'n high with me, I've seen this show.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Well, I can explain, please allow me, good sir
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Okay, I'll grant you 1 and a half seconds.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: My show here is not parody.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Huh?
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Larry David's show on CURVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM is indeed self-parody.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Yep, it tends to be boring, though.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Well, what ya see here is me.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DD: Yeah, it tends to be...
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> DL: Now,
>>>>>>>> get the @#$%%^&*()_+ helle off this relentlessly celebrated
>>>>>>>> ED SULLIVAN remodeled stage.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Stagehands converge and carry DD away
