5-15 Married With Fishsticks

First airing was Feb. 21, 2000.

The story starts out with Gabrielle holding Eve, who is crying and won't stop. Xena is taking a
bath. When she returns, she takes Eve and she stops crying. Gabrielle is worried that she has lost
touch when it comes to raising kids. Eve falls asleep but Joxer wakes her up bringing baby food -
baby back ribs. Gabrielle drags Joxer off to go to town to buy real baby food.

In town, at the docks, a pirate is in a small boat full of flowers plucking petals off one of them,
saying "she loves me" "she loves me not." Discord and Aphrodite appear. Discord is mad at Aphrodite
for turning him into a lovesick fool. They trade insults, then Discord throws a series of fireballs
at Aphrodite, who deflects them everywhere. Gabrielle and Joxer arrive. Gabrielle whistles and both
Discord and Aphrodite appear, and stop fighting. They trade insults again, and Discord starts up
with the fireballs again. One of the deflected ones burns through a rope and a large wooden pulley
hits Gabrielle in the head and knocks her into the water.

When she wakes up, a strange man, Hagar (Joxer) asks if she is okay. She doesn't know where she is
or who she is. She sees she has fins not legs, but he tells her when she is in the water she has
fins. And her name is Crustacea. She realizes she has amnesia, and then she faints.

When Crustacea wakes up, she is in a water bed and has legs again. Hagar comes in and gives her
medicine to get her back on her feet. She asks him who he is, he says her husband, and she lost her
wedding ring. He introduces their three children and she thinks maybe amnesia isn't so bad after
all.

Hagar is watching mermaids on a water TV. Crustacea tells him the place is a sty. He brings out a
mop and bucket and says now that she is better she can start cleaning again. She asks about the
kids, then is caught in a trap and is hanging upside down by her feet. Hagar chides them about
playing in the living room.

Hagar introduces the kids - Flipper (with a seal face and fins), Urchin (red spines coming out of
his head), and baby Roe - a squid/octopus. Baby Roe jumps on Crustacea and they wrestle around on
the floor. The doorbell rings like a foghorn and Hagar answers. It is Crabella (Aphrodite) and
Sturgina (Discord). They speak with New York Jewish accents. Sturgina has an amnesia potion. Hagar
says his real wife didn't walk out on him but is vacationing. They see Crustacea and think she has
come back. He admits Crustacea isn't his real wife and he needs the potion to keep her from
remembering who she is.

Later they come back and tell her she looks different since her "accident". They tell her they are
her best friends and take Crustacea to The Club. A lifeguard has them doing aquacising. They ask
Crustacea if things have gotten better at home. They mention how bad the kids are and that
Crustacea should leave Hagar. She decides she has to stay to raise them to be better.

Hagar is making a speech to the council about being elected president. He tells them Crustacea is
back home and she can't remember when she was so happy.

At home Crustacea is hanging upside down again. A trap door opens and she is dunked down into the
water where a shark is approaching. Somehow she flips back up and lands on her feet. She sends the
kids to their room and they leave, leaving her still tied up.

Hagar comes home and tells Crustacea he wishes he could have it so easy like she does. She throws a
knife and it sticks in the wall next to him. She says she works just as hard as he does and from
now on he's going to help. She stomps off.

That night in bed she asks him how they met. He describes how he was walking toward her with a
bucket of paint. He threw it up in the air and it came down knocked him out. She gave him mouth to
mouth twice and he woke up. He confesses he wasn't knocked out, he just wanted to kiss her. She
says that's almost sweet.

Sturgina and Crabella are trying to think of a way to get rid of Crustacea so they can have Hagar
for themselves. They plan to have an accident happen to her. The bars of a cage are broken so a
giant squid can get in.

Crustacea has brought Flipper, Urchin and baby Row back to the Club. Sturgina says she must have
her portrait painted. They have her stand next to the water and the squid's tentacle knocks her
into the water. After some fighting, there is blood in the water and Crustacea comes to the surface
with a knife in her mouth and the squid is dead. As she leaves, everyone applauds her.

When they get home. Hagar has fixed supper - clamburgers. Afterward he says he's sorry how he
treated her and things will be different. She tells him to do the dishes.

Crabella and Sturgina are arguing about their plans not working and who should get Hagar. But if
Crustacea gets her memory back she'll leave him.

Hagar has taken Crustacea to the Coral Gardens where he first asked her to marry him. He brings out
a ring and asks her to marry him because he wants to start all over again. She accepts the ring and
accepts the proposal.

They are at the vow renewal and the big boss tells him renewing his vows is a stroke of genius and
the other candidates are kicking themselves for not thinking of it.

Sturgina asks Crabella if she switched the drinks. She says she did.

During the ceremony, Crustacea begins having flashes of memory of Xena and herself as Gabrielle.
She says she can't get married because she's not Crustacea, but Gabrielle. Hagar admits his wife
left him and he was more concerned with being council president. But he discovered that when he
was trying to make Crustacea happy, he was making himself happy.

Crabella says it is a shame to waste the minister and cake and he has to choose his next wife. She
and Sturgina trade insults and start fighting. They are pulled apart. When Hagar says he is going
to have figure it out, Sturgina and Crabella go after him, but Gabrielle fights them and they end
up being thrown into the large wedding cake. They start fighting each other again and are hauled
off by the bouncers.

The kids apologize for playing tricks on Gabrielle. She says she want to talk to Hagar alone. He
wants her to keep the ring. She tells him he should try to make things right with his wife and she
kisses him.

Next thing, Gabrielle is lying on the docks and Joxer is about to perform mouth to mouth
resuscitation. Gabrielle grabs him and kisses him. Then she wakes up and punches him when he leans
down for a second kiss.

Xena comes up and asks Gabrielle if there is something she wants to say. Gabrielle talks about the
weird dream. Aphrodite says she was only out for a minute. Aphrodite and Discord start bickering
again. Xena tells them to take it someplace else unless they want a taste of her new Chakram. The
agree to meet at 3 o'clock at Mt. Olympus.

Eve starts crying again and Gabrielle wants Xena to let her try to quiet her. Eve stops crying and
Gabrielle walks off, starting to tell Eve a new story, the ring Hagar gave Crustacea in the Coral
Gardens flashing in the sunlight.

..........

How many people have said this is the worst episode - EVER? And I admit, for a Xena episode, it was
pretty bad. But for a change of pace/something different story it was - marginal. And an obvious
rip off of "Overboard" with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

Xena was still wearing her maternity, black outfit, so this episode had to have been aired out of
order, since in the previous one - Amphipolis Under Siege, she was back in her regular clothes.

So easy you pick this episode apart - Just before the ceremony, there were 'mermaids' in the water
surrounding a large red heart, and they had legs, not fins. Didn't take long to get tired of
Crabella's and Sturgina's NY accents. Since Crustacea was a mermaid, and Hagar looked reasonably
human, how did they get such weird looking kids? Octopus blood is red?

But it wasn't all bad. There was plenty of bikini-clad eye candy to go around. And the insults
Aphrodite and Discord, and Sturgina and Crabella, were trading were kind of funny.

Xena threatened Aphrodite and Discord with her new Chakram. Lends credence to my theory that even
if it can't kill a god, it damn sure can do some damage.

Also, didn't Aphrodite and Discord get the memo that Xena and Eve had a bounty out on them?

After seeing Crustacea with the long hair, Gabrielle's wet, slicked-back hair made her look kind of
butch (not that there's anything wrong with that!).

In the interview, Rob said Lucy wasn't available (a little postpartum recovery time) so they were
looking for something different to do. [Kind of a shame it was this.] But he said since it WAS so
different, they all enjoyed the change of pace and portraying different characters. Ditto for the
costume designer, set designer and photographers.

Since I never saw the movie "Lolita", it wasn't until just a few years ago I found out the
heart-shaped sunglasses (and lollipop) Crustacea was wearing came from the movie.

Aphrodite said Gabrielle was only out for a minute. One of my pet peeves - minutes, seconds, miles,
etc. They never had those way back then.

I felt kind of bad that Gabrielle kissed Joxer first, but punched him out when he thought maybe she
was finally coming around to him after he saved her life. But if I had seen that face coming down
to me, I'd probably punch him too.

And, of course, the question - if it was all a dream, why/how did Gabrielle have the ring on her
finger at the end of the episode? And how long was it going to take before Gabrielle noticed the
ring?

I think it was Eric Gruendemann in the interview that said the bouncers grabbing Crabella and
Sturgina (but letting Gabrielle fight them) was nod to Jerry Springer's show.

I am finding it hard to rate this episode. On one hand, for a Xena episode is was really pretty
bad. But just as a fun, filler episode with no real value for furthering the season's arc (other
than renewing Gabrielle's confidence in her ability to watch over and to protect and to take care
of Eve), it wasn't so terrible, and even had enough humor to keep it from really sucking.

I have toyed with the idea of not rating it all, and just letting it "slide under the radar" and
move on with the next episode. But since I reviewed some previous eps that were pretty bad, then I
should rate this one as well.

For a straight Xena episode, a generous 5.

For a kind of humorous and
pass-the-time-episode-that-doesn't-make-me-feel-like-I-actually-wasted-an-hour episode, a 7. So, an
average 6 out of 10.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

5-15 Married / Fishsticks .. 6

5-14 Amph Under Siege . 9

5-13 Eternal Bonds ... 8.5

5-12 God Fearing Child . 9

5-11 Punch Lines .... 8

5-10 Lyre, Lyre, Hearts . 8

5-09 Seeds Of Faith .. 9

5-08 Little Problems .. 6

5-07 Back In The Bottle . 6

5-06 Purity ...... 7.5

5-05 Them Bones .... 8.5

5-04 Animal Attraction . 6.5

5-03 Succession ....... 7

5-02 Chakram ..... 8.5

5-01 Fallen Angel ..... 8.5

Average ......... 7.7