> Leg 1 - Start of the race: Chicago, IL.
> Phil sends you on your merry way. You jump in to GMC SUV's to make
> sure your less than svelte waistlines can be accommodated. Rather than
> immediately heading to the airport your first clue routes you to a pizza
> shop known for extra large deep dish pizza. The clue requires you and
> your partner each consume a 16" deep dish with pepperoni and double
> sausage. When you arrive you find all the tables are occupied by other
> teams and a booth is too small for you to fit between the table and the
> seat. Not wanting to get behind this early you and your partner pick
> out an open spot on the floor and ravenously begin to consume the pizza.
> Even though the prudent thing to do would be to wash the pizza down
> with water you and your partner order a pitcher of beer and split it. A
> large belch announces to the waitress that you are done and she hands
> you your next clue. You're in first place!!!
> Roadblock - you or your partner must complete one circuit of the
> block the pizza parlor is on on foot as quickly as you can. Your
> partner volunteers and you gladly let him so you can polish off the last
> half of your glass of beer. Tension mounts as other teams complete the
> pizza task and start the trip around the block. Several minutes later
> your partner comes strolling in puffing. But you're upset because he's
> been passed by three teams. He apologizes but explains he had to stop
> in the deli at the other of the block to take a leak. You note the
> inside of his left pants leg is wet from his groin to his shoe and
> wonder if you should have congratulated him on the completion of the
> task by shaking his right hand. Nonetheless you get your next clue.
> "Go to the airport and catch a flight to Buenos Aires, Argentina.
> Look for the clue box in the airport where a traveler might find a
> moment of rest. There will be no penalty if two seats are required on a
> plane for a team member."
> Indeed the airline insists on each tam member taking two seats.
> You're grateful for not having to try to stick your ample rump in to an
> 18" wide seat. But this means that there will only be enough room on
> the first flight to Argentina for three teams. You're congratulating
> yourselves on making it on the first flight and wonder what happened to
> one of the teams that had been in front of you. [They had live in
> Chicago decades ago and were overconfident. When the clue said go to
> the airport they thought they were being clever and went to Meigs Field,
> only to find out it's no longer an airport, not that there would have
> been flights to Argentina from there anyway. They end up on the last
> flight. You nickname them Meigs as you expect their presence in the race
> ends up like the airport-gone]
> Twenty hours later the plane lands in Buenos Aires. None of the
> three teams in the race is running after being jammed in to cattle class
> for that long. Bad knees and aching backs slow everyone. Each team
> heads in a different direction from the gate, having deduced different
> destinations for the 'moment of rest.' One team heads to the airport
> chapel, one heads up to the concourse somewhere, you head to the
> restroom. After being on a plane for that long and hating trying to
> squeeze in to the lavatory on the plane you can't even think about the
> 'moment of rest' until you take a moment of rest. After find your
> comfort in the restroom the idea hits you and you look around for a clue
> box. After several minutes you move on, thinking it would be fair to
> the teams of the opposite sex to put a clue box in there [you find out
> later that didn't stop two teams].
> You and your partner re-read the clue and discuss possibilities as you
> head up the concourse. Before you reach a conclusion the race flag
> catches your eye - the clue box is in the airport bar. You see the team
> the headed up the concourse sitting near the clue box at the bar. They
> each have three or four beer bottles in front of them and are each
> chugging beer from another bottle in their hand. [You find out later
> their plan to soak in every aspect of the race and enjoy themselves is
> to celebrate at every opportunity. You nickname them Team Bottle.] You
> consider joining them at the bar but decide this is an opportunity to
> regain the lead so you open the clue.
> Clue: Make your way to the parking lot using the marked carts around
> the corner just up the concourse.
> You step out of the bar and notice the airport carts with the
> familiar race flag attached. You hop in the drivers seat and your
> partner hops on n the back usually reserved for luggage. The camera
> crew is concerned that the front end of the cart is going to lift off
> the ground. But you're unconcerned and drive on, taking great delight
> in honking incessantly at the passengers who are walking. Out the front
> door of the terminal where you see the parking lot and the clue box.
> You consider taking a lap around the parking lot 'cuz it's a lot of fun
> to zip around on the cart but think better of it. You stop at the clue box.
> Next clue: Detour Feast or famine. Feast - using the marked car
> make your way to Camp Suizo for a traditional Argentine barbecue.
> Famine - make your way to a fat farm and enjoy slimming down to try to
> fit in to an Argentine thong bikini.
> You discuss the options with your partner and decide the fat farm
> option could take too much time. Using the map provided in your 5 ton
> truck you make your way to Camp Suizo. You remember this as the place
> where Rob hatched his penalty plan. You walk to the barbecue area and,
> winded, sit down for the barbecue. Eat four pounds of cow rib, pork
> sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow udder, an entire kidney and
> part of a cow's saliva gland.
> The flies were a bit annoying but twenty minutes later you and your
> partner have finished and are handed your clue. No other teams are in
> sight. You're surprised, and speculate that maybe the other teams took
> the fat farm option. Having sized up the other teams (and that was some
> SERIOUS sizing) you decide it's going to take them some time to
> complete. You consider asking for seconds, calculating that you'll have
> the time. But decide you don't want to look gluttonous. You decide to
> read the clue and move on.
> Clue - find Phil at the fat farm. UH OH!! Panicked, you get back to
> the truck and and are congratulating yourself for avoiding the seconds.
> You have no map to the fat farm so you must rely on the locals for
> directions. You stop at a gas station, and fortuitously, there happens
> to be a doctor who works at the fat farm there filling up his Audi. He
> agrees that you need a visit to the fat farm and not only provides your
> partner with directions but also a business card, since he figures to
> make a fortune on you.
> Your partner drives out of the gas station and immediate pulls in to
> the next driveway. You see the flag over the door. You park, and
> scramble as quickly as you can through the door and there stands Phil.
> "Congratulations, you are team number one!" You respond with a large
> belch. You exchange high fives with your teammate.
> In the distance behind Phil you recognize several teams doing various
> aerobics and walking on a treadmill. You also recognize one being
> administered to by the paramedics. There is also another team
> attempting to slip on thongs. When one of the thongs breaks the kinetic
> energy of the stretched garment shoots it across the grounds hitting a
> paramedic in the face, knocking a paramedic unconscious.
> You find out later two teams never left the pizzeria. Phil had to
> fly back to Chicago to tell them they were out of the race. You find
> out team Meigs arrived at this pit stop 3 days later because it took
> them that long to figure out there were no planes at Meigs. Team Bottle
> was stopped for DWI and was jailed. CBS got them out, but they were
> given a penalty.
>
> On the next episode Teams learn the high price of wearing a thong bikini
> and team Bottle finds Argentina to their liking, in spite of the DWI!
>
> --
> I reject your reality
> and substitute my own.
>
> -----Adam Savage