>jill wrote:

>> In article <99X4k.8215$mh5.6063@nlpi067.nbdc.sbc.com>,
>> gathring pacbell.net> wrote:

>>> jill wrote:

>>>> In article nlpi066.nbdc.sbc.com>,
>>>> gathring pacbell.net> wrote:

>>>>> jill wrote:

>>>>>> Spoiler cause I'm going to talk about the past and compare it to
>>>>>> raising kids and some pondering about how this might be 'the' problem
>>>>>> I am having as a stay at home mom. Nothing graphic, just ponderings...
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Added to the spoiler, if you are at all sensitive to how you parent
>>>>>> please don't read this if it will upset you. I am NOT talking about
>>>>>> anyone in this group. I have no idea how any of you parent. Any
>>>>>> examples I use here are about people I know in real life where I
>>>>>> live and I am not trying to say anything negative about anyone in this
>>>>>> group!!!!
>>>>>>
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>>> Poof!
>>>

>>>>> i struggle with this one too. i don't think its necessarily a matter of
>>>>> not caring, more a matter of not having any real role models or skills.
>>>>> i know my parents cared. they also sucked at showing it. it isn't enough
>>>>> to eat meals together and play a game occasionally, but many adults
>>>>> think it is, or even less attention is acceptable.

>>>> Hmm, this might be it. I had no role model to compare how I am raising
>>>> my kids. I kind of do 'whatever my parents did I do differently'
>>>> and some of it is 'what worked professionally I use as a parent' and
>>>> 'my training indicates that x is useful at this developmental stage'
>>>> but by and large I have to make it up as I go cause my parents really
>>>> didn't do a good job. I _don't_ know my parents cared. Actually, I'm
>>>> fairly certain my dad didn't.
>>>>

>>> sure. having professional training has to help, but it doesn't
>>> really prepare you for day to day, 24/7/365. sucks you don't know
>>> your parents cared. sometimes the only thing that got me through
>>> was knowing that in spite of the crap job they did, they did care.
>>>

>>>>>> Ok, so I am resentful that my kids get something I can give them so
>>>>>> easily and I never got it. I am upset that I am once again put in the
>>>>>> role of having to put others needs ahead of mine 24/7 and that I
>>>>>> really do have to do this at this time because it is what I believe
>>>>>> is best for my kids (and of course as they get older this lessens. I
>>>>>> am talking in a more abstract way then truly giving totally to them
>>>>>> 24/7).
>>>>>>

>>>>> feeling guilty about feeling resentful? btdt. way more often than i

>>>> This was brought up in another reply. I never thought of it that way
>>>> so now I'll have to ponder it a bit.
>>>>

>>> mmm
>>>

>>>>> would care to admit. for me, what i have found is that it means i do
>>>>> need to take some special me time, and if i don't it can get really ugly.

>>>> Yeah, this is a big problem. I'm not really allowed to take
>>>> me time to any extent that helps. I get it in dribs and drabs, here
>>>> and there. It's not enough and not consistent enough.
>>>>

>>> i used to have my afternoon every week that was just for me. then
>>> life got busier, changed, and that sort of quit happening, so i
>>> can really identify. is there a way you can schedule regular
>>> time? that isn't quite enough, but it does help, at least it did me.

>>
>> I get it at times but then it goes away without my permission. My
>> SO isn't very good at communicating in advance stuff like 'I'm going
>> to take the kids swimming and we will be back at 6pm' so I can't
>> assume they will be gone for x amount of time and that means I can't
>> plan an activity for a specific amount of time. Or we will set up
>> the plan that I will get every Wed. evening for 4 hours and then
>> for some reason it gets changed or taken away or randomly doesn't
>> happen or...
>>
>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>>

>
>understand. for me is d is much more social than i, and thinks 1
>'down' day in 4 or 5 weeks should be plenty. sometimes have to
>have that battle over and over. also we differ on what 'down day'
>is. sigh.
>
>btw, not to be a real pita, but the reason it mysteriously goes
>away, is that you aren't firm about it

>(physician heal thyself)
>

>>

>>>>>> I _want_ to be a good parent and I am very sure I am doing a good job
>>>>>> at it. My kids are getting what they need to grow up healthy and
>>>>>> all that. But it is at my expense and I was taught in t'py that this
>>>>>> is bad.
>>>>>>

>>>>> sounds like a balance thing to me. what do you need to do for you to
>>>>> balance things.

>>>> Yep :( It's tough
>>>>

>>>>>> Stupid ambiguity. And stupid black and white thinking while I'm at it.
>>>>>> Cause both of these are happening. Maybe at the same time!!! argh
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)

>>>>> frustrating.

>>>> Oh yeah!!!
>>>>
>>>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)