I am aware of some sort of change in me lately. I think I have
more spare energy now because of not having to deal with all the
ptsd stuff. Or something else, not sure what it could be, has
changed inside.

I dunno. I just don't feel drained and exhausted like I used to.
This week I have been helping the school get registration stuff
put in the computer. What I am doing is proving to be much more
intense and draining than I expected! I mean, I sit in front of
a computer and look at a sheet of paper and put that info into
the computer to fill in the blanks of a form. Seems simple. When
I had the training in the spring to do this it really seemed
like nothing.

we went to t. walked out afterwords and thought "that was a waste". thought
we didn't really talk about the hard stuff. thought we covered the same old
stuff. realized it was just like what i was telling t. am very caught up in
negative thought cycle right now. doesn't matter what we do right.

we told t about pup. we told t about coworker and her boyfriend. we told t
about not being able to work normal schedule and tired from surgery and now
having cold. t used to point out to us that we talked about the events going
on and not our feelings. was like that. t tried to get us to talk about
coworker situation. talked about how it was a trigger for us. we shut down
:/ t said didn't need to deal with it alone and could get help and left it
at that.

we talked a lot about negative thought loops. was a lot of the same old
thing but maybe needed some reminders about coping skills. talked about how
much we count on healthy body. how lots of our coping is built around
physical stuff. was fairly honest about how bad this week has been. t said
this is when, in the past, we'd self injure. we said yes and we've wanted to
but not allowing it to happen which just makes more tension.

Appointment went well we think, but we're a mess. Broke down in the
waiting room because someone was shouting. For some reason in the middle
of the appointment with the pdoc, we couldn't form sentences. Went numb.
Don't remember the end of the appointment. Then we were by the bank.
Thank g*d he made notes for us and a pill schedule we found in our
pocket. This has been a bad afternoon. :(

Having met the potential new T on Tuesday i decided that i would work
with her. she seems very nice and is extremely experienced in
dissociation, dissociative disorders etc. so its all set. i will start
with her a couple of weeks before the end with my current counsellor
to help the transition.
felt really quite ok when i met her, more "comfortable" with her than
i thought i could be at one of those kinda "interview" type sessions/
meetings.
so am going to start seeing her in september. she is letting me pay
less than she usually charges too!
nervous. not good at making decisions and find it stressful making
them and then end up panicking afterwards.

x-no-archive: yes

we have a big foggy headache and feel tired and sad, and just wanted
to post a little. we have had a busy busy day, building a desk and
entertaining young one, and we had to get our car fixed and they found
something else wrong which was even more expensive than what we asked
them to fix but we agreed to let them fix it so today we spent our
whole weeks budget on fixing car. some of us feel bad about that.

we are feeling sad for different reasons, just feeling lonely.
sometimes sadder to not be alone and still feel lonely, knowing the
person you feel could help is nearby but can't or won't help. ache and
sad.

we thought maybe we would go back to college in the fall, but now
doesn't look very likely. It used to feel for some of us, that we
could manage external life just fine, and was internal life that
messed everything up, but now, we feel internally, together we have
things good, but external life is hard, like deep mud, where a small
step forwards takes so much work.

While it is no secret that we all feel anxious from time to time, for
some people anxiety can become so overwhelming it becomes difficult to
function. One of the first steps in finding anxiety relief is defining
anxiety and separating how it is different from a simple case of
nerves.
In normal doses, anxiety can actually be beneficial. It is what helps
most people face difficult situations and make it through deadlines.
Major problems can occur; however, when anxiety moves from being a
normal and beneficial emotion to becoming a true illness. Anxiety is
often genetic, running in families. In some cases, anxiety could be
associated with the life experiences of the person impacted by it;
however, because it is biological in makeup, there also may be no
clear cut association with any recent event...

I drew a picture of t but tony can't scan it because there's milk in the
scanner. :( I want to give it to t.

AmBeR

back tomorrow. hope everyone has a peaceful sleep tonite. hope we do
too.

betsy

spoiler
ugly ugly
crude
hate body post

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I start class on Monday.

I signed up today and it has all fallen into place so easily. I
really like that!

I'll be in school four days a week for five hours, for six months.
The head honcho and I had a meeting today and he is going to start
looking for a job for me that is specific to what I want to do and
in a reasonable driving area. Right off the top of his head he knew
of three but they are too far away for me to drive.

When I am done I'll have two certifications at least, possibly
three. One will be in nurtrition and exercise, one will be in
personal training and the last one will be in sports training (if
I get it). If I don't get that specific certification I'll probly
get the one that has to do with rehab. The rehab one is harder to
get and involves more 'post grad' work but makes more sense for me
to get. The sports one is pretty easy to do (just a test) so I
might get it just cause.

The lady who is watching the kids this week will watch them as needed
until school starts and as needed during the school year.