For the last 3 weeks i guess, ever since my supposed "hypomanic"
episode ended. Maybe this means that I am just in some sort of
depressive phase. But T was skeptical of my theory that everything
which has happened in therapy recently can be attributed to being
bipolar. "Something more seems to be involved" she said. I think that
she is right.

For about a month or so in February, early March I was in a hyper-
communicative mode in therapy. I was able to write and even speak
about things that I had told her as recently as January that I didn't
think I would ever be able to talk about since part of me which
functions as an internal censor would never allow it. But then it all
shut down as suddenly as if a light had been turned off. I have seen T
twice since then. The first time she could tell within a couple of
minutes that something had changed in me. That was when I told her
about my theory that recent events in therapy were largely a function
of my having been hypomanic at the time and I expressed anger at
myself for having in some sense lost control. I was sort of angry with
her as well since I felt that she had encouraged it.

I hope you will not say anything to scare me. I have been dissociated
for 1 and 1/2 years now - straight. I mean I have been out of body
like derealization (?) dissociated the whole time - 24 hours a day. I
am so scared of it all the time - and can't go outside. Everyone
looks at me like I am normal - and therefore just a woosy - like I am
afraid to faint if I go outside... when in fact I just can't cope when
I go out the door because everything looks so strange and then i can
easily feel like I am going to forget where I am and "go away"
somewhere - where I won't come back from. I am like this in my house
all day long - just trying to stay calm one breath at a time. Can
anyone here please talk to me? I feel like I am going to go insane. I
won't go to my psychiatrist - I talked to him on the phone when it
started and he told me that I worry too much... I am working on
alternate holistic treatments from home but still no success with
anything. Was on Klonopin 15 years cause if made me feel normal but
then I had to get off it because I was so addicted - (didn't want to
keep increasing the dose). My parents are leaving the country for 2
years because they are tired of helping me. I am raising a child and
don't know how I can manage this. Hope you can help say something
positive! Thanks! ...

http://www.uncommongoods.com/item/item.jsp?itemId=12060

need a plan today

I will do the basics of picking up the house but I'm not going to get all
stressed about what didn't get done.

I will take the pup and find some place by the river or maybe the lake to
play. it might get up to 70. just last week it was snowing. this is the
first really nice day of the spring. got to get out and enjoy it. since it's
saturday will probably stick close to home and not stay long. lot of people
will be out and don't want to get overloaded. maybe just go done to the
little local dog park and then go to river there. that spot is quiet

I will eat breakfast and lunch. dinner is with the foo (and I'll eat that
too)

I think I'll do some yard work. I'll set a time limit though so I don't
exhaust myself.

i may take pup with me too foo get together. it's at a restaurant so he'd
have to wait in car. since it's supposed to be so nice that option may be
out. parents have a big bone for him so he'd have something fun to do in
car.

(not sure if it needs a spoiler but more specific stuf about foo and issues
below)

HAI FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SEE THIS SITE.

http://www.theydothings.blogspot.com

tired

-- astri

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to email send to astri
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