One of these days they are going to block my number from the Hotline. I
just don't have anyone else to talk with, and when working with marks on
paper gets to be too much I don't have anyone else to call.

Still going through the process of getting Mom qualified for Medicaid, and
applied, and the paper is about to bury me. I doubt of anyone else can
really understand, but when I was a kid I had such horrible experiences with
paper that to this day, at 48, I can hardly stand to work with paper at all.
It scares me. I was "multiple" long before anyone heard about Sybil, or
whoever, and never knew what homework I was supposed to do or what happened
to it all. Ended up having teachers just walk by my desk in gradeschool and
pull my test paper out from under my pencil and wad it up. I was
everybody's scapegoat. And nobody gave a damn whether I learned anything or
not. Just so long as they had someone to beat up on.

In case anyone is wondering, I am not doing well. Am trying to fill out a
sheaf of papers for the Attorney, and this business with making marks on
paper for someone else to judge whether they look right or not is about to
make me lose it.

Screw it. I've just gotta do it. Sorry for the bandwidth wasted, and for
worrying anyone. I'll be okay. I just have to muddle though somehow.

How do you actually manage to cut the ties that hold you to all of the junk
in your life? I live in one of the most cluttered and junk-filled houses in
the city. Well, maybe it's not actually that bad, but it is pretty bad.
Our living room is so full of stuff that you can't even walk into it. And
the library (so called because that's where we have most of our books) is
even worse. You can at least walk into it, but the stuff is piled up almost
to the cieling around the walls. And that stuff is mostly mine and mine
alone. Gotta get rid of it. But it's so hard to let it go. Books on
programming computers that I can't replace, because they are basically old
and out of date. But they are a complete set, pluse some.

Argh. Wife is awake, and I need to fix breakfast. More later...

Thanks,

Dave

Obtainable Affirmations

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with
my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-
soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except
the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise
myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having
control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-
judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would
have no personality at all.

9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Subject: alt.support.depression.recovery.sanctuary report for Mon Aug 18 00:05:01 CDT 2008
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Subject: alt.support.depression.recovery.sanctuary report for Mon Aug 11 00:05:01 CDT 2008
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i'll definitely have debts paid off. i'll alternate turnpike rest
stops. i'll definitely miss the flow of electricity to this laptop.
will have to recharge it at work. wonder how work will be.

i'm not a good employee. been trying for 20 years. some problems
dont have solutions. if i get fired, will return the car to the car
dealership. i should have faced this 24 years ago when mum threw me
out of the house, rather than run to "boyfriend."

wish my aunt didn't find me when my mother threw me out of the house
at age 9. she made me apologize to my mother. i did nothing wrong.
i also remember being thrown out at five. i was screaming and begging
to be let back in.

at 18 found out dad left money for brother and me to get car and go to
college. mother wanted it for her own luxuries. never been able to
overcome this economically.
it's all about money. thanks for listening.

Subject: alt.support.depression.recovery.sanctuary report for Mon Aug 4 00:05:01 CDT 2008
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I hope as many as possible are having a good morning. Mine is good, so
far... Helping the wife get off to work, preparing to wrap up as much
paperwork as possible and visit my mom in her new facility (she has
Alzeheimer's) after seeing my pdoc. MAY even get by a parts depot today for
some ICs I need for the current project. And all this should be possible,
because I *slept* yesterday. May be getting back on schedule (I hope.)

Best wishes to all (especially Ricki.) Post if you feel like it. I may not
be around at the moment, but I'll be back.

Dave

Subject: alt.support.depression.recovery.sanctuary report for Mon Jul 28 00:05:01 CDT 2008
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I'm having knee surgery tomorrow. Have to be at the hospital at 8:30
a.m. CDT.

I've had surgeries before, so I'm not really nervous..just anxious to
get it over with.

Next month I have the other knee done.

I've been fighting this for four years and nothing has helped. So the
doc is going to arthroscopically trim the miniscus, fix the broken and
crumbling cartilage, and I'll be on crutches a day or two.

I SERIOUSLY am so clumsy, that I'll probably hurt myself with the
stinkin' crutches.

No telling when I can get back to the NG or email because of having to
keep the knee elevated and iced..but I thank you all in advance for
your thoughts and prayers.

Ricki