> On Jun 2, 6:34 am, Without Words hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>

>> On May 31, 11:10 pm, ctbtoctb aol.com> wrote:

>

>>> My general sense of depression never lifts and sometimes it even
>>> deepens. As of late I feel even more out of it because my mother is
>>> nagging me to help out around the house more since I'm off work right
>>> now and have lots of extra time on my hands. She really is right,
>>> there is no where else I (a grown man) could stay rent free without
>>> working or paying to earn my keep. It's just that I've completely
>>> lost any zeal for life and all I really want to do is lay in bed and
>>> watch TV. Some days I don't even bother to get dressed and shower. I
>>> really don't even enjoy TV too much but it seems to be how I truly
>>> would rather pass the time until the time comes for me to ctb. It
>>> really is pathetic and there's hardly any masking my true nature by
>>> putting up a facade. My mother sees right through me. Today she
>>> threatened to put a lock on my door and lock me out of my room during
>>> the day so I won't just lay there all day and watch TV. I've run the
>>> gauntlet with this thing, it's come to a point where I am definitely
>>> going to have to reach deep down inside of what is left of me and come
>>> up with enough energy to start earning my keep. The strange thing is
>>> I was never like this until I became suicidal. I used to be the most
>>> energetic, lively, helpful person - a real self starter. Since I've
>>> been suicidal (since September of last year) I barely take care of
>>> myself let alone my business. It's almost like I've already died and
>>> I'm just going through the motions of some cosmic mock life in my day
>>> to day existence. I truly am a shell of my former self.

>

>>> I don't have to tell folks here that living while suicidal is
>>> something of a form of hell. For those of us that are truly suicidal
>>> like me, life itself is an extended metaphor for death. I have really
>>> become the living dead. Even when I'm just sitting there my mother
>>> says I look like I'm just about to cry. In fact I never cry. My soul
>>> is wailing a thousand tears but IRL I never shed a tear over my broken
>>> down life. I just find myself wishing in vane that I could go back in
>>> time and fix the mistakes that have led me to this point. In every
>>> waking hour of the day I find myself thinking either of ctbing or
>>> thinking of what I could have done to have avoided crashing my life in
>>> such a way that I feel that I must ctb. Those are my two most
>>> consistent, constant modes of thought.

>

>>> I am unlike many in ASH/ASM that have some innate, organic, deep-
>>> seeded flaw in their intrinsic psychological make-up that would have
>>> inevitably led them to ctb. I feel my situation is purely
>>> circumstantial. If I feel if I could change the circumstances of my
>>> life I would no longer feel the need to ctb. The catch is I truly,
>>> truly don't think I can honestly change those circumstances - thus my
>>> dilemma. In all actuality I may be oversimplifying the situation.
>>> There's always the chance that I innately or inherently have a
>>> suicidal make-up and a myriad of different life fates would have led
>>> me to the point of being suicidal. I tend toward the latter
>>> explanation because I have always felt that there are some fates worse
>>> than death - even before I became suicidal.

>

>>> One thing that seems an insurmountable task is writing out a suicide
>>> note to my siblings and parents. I know for me writing out a note (or
>>> better a letter or novel as it will turn out to be) is a big hurdle
>>> for me. I don't think words can express everything I want and need to
>>> say to them when the time comes. Odd as it would seem to a normal
>>> person, I'm actually totally comfortable with my ctb except for the
>>> pain and shame it will bring to my family. Writing about it might be
>>> a way of working through my depression and anxiety over the whole
>>> matter - to some degree. I just know it somehow helps me (almost like
>>> therapy) to share and vent here at ASH/ASM.

>

>>> CTB

>

>> I too feel paralyzed most of the time. It is hard to justify taking
>> any forward steps when you don't plan to be around to see where they
>> will lead. It is hard for me to apply and give money to grad school
>> when I think I will just be throwing money away once I CTB, as well as
>> the fact that I feel it is just an arbitrary hoop that I am forced to
>> jump through and throw money at to justify some self worth to people
>> whom I could care less what their fake asses think.

>

>> I also often just stare off trying to tell myself to just get
>> up and do the dishes or even play guitar or read the book you've
>> started. I don't even have the energy to pursue interests that are
>> supposed to enrich me or maybe even cheer me up because what is the
>> point. The only purpose for doing them is to provide myself pleasure,
>> but nothing does that any more.

>

>> 100,000 dollars in financial aid!!! Damn, may I ask what
>> degrees you have and how much time you spent in school to amass that
>> much debt? That is a lot of money to me. I currently owe around
>> 1,600. I got scholarships and worked two jobs throughout college, and
>> I can't even imagine having that on my back. Of course, I just got my
>> B.A. at a state school.

>

>> Best Wishes,

>

>> WW- Hide quoted text -

>

>> - Show quoted text -

>
> Hi WW,
>
> To be more precise it's probably closer to $80,000 in debt with school
> loans. It comes from my undergraduate education in microbiology and
> Spanish (I have 2 degrees BS/BA) and 3 years of medical school. I
> didn't finish medical school because I got caught up into cocaine. It
> really is one of the most tragic episodes of my life. All I have are
> the bills and no real usable education to pursue the type of
> employment that would pay them. Through bad choices and even worse
> breaks I have left myself a shattered and destroyed man.
>
> CTB