> On Jun 1, 5:10 am, ctbtoctb aol.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>

>> My general sense of depression never lifts and sometimes it even
>> deepens.  As of late I feel even more out of it because my mother is
>> nagging me to help out around the house more since I'm off work right
>> now and have lots of extra time on my hands.  She really is right,
>> there is no where else I (a grown man) could stay rent free without
>> working or paying to earn my keep.  It's just that I've completely
>> lost any zeal for life and all I really want to do is lay in bed and
>> watch TV.  Some days I don't even bother to get dressed and shower.  I
>> really don't even enjoy TV too much but it seems to be how I truly
>> would rather pass the time until the time comes for me to ctb.  It
>> really is pathetic and there's hardly any masking my true nature by
>> putting up a facade.  My mother sees right through me.  Today she
>> threatened to put a lock on my door and lock me out of my room during
>> the day so I won't just lay there all day and watch TV.  I've run the
>> gauntlet with this thing, it's come to a point where I am definitely
>> going to have to reach deep down inside of what is left of me and come
>> up with enough energy to start earning my keep.  The strange thing is
>> I was never like this until I became suicidal.  I used to be the most
>> energetic, lively, helpful person - a real self starter.  Since I've
>> been suicidal (since September of last year) I barely take care of
>> myself let alone my business.  It's almost like I've already died and
>> I'm just going through the motions of some cosmic mock life in my day
>> to day existence.  I truly am a shell of my former self.

>

>> I don't have to tell folks here that living while suicidal is
>> something of a form of hell.  For those of us that are truly suicidal
>> like me, life itself is an extended metaphor for death.  I have really
>> become the living dead.  Even when I'm just sitting there my mother
>> says I look like I'm just about to cry.  In fact I never cry.  My soul
>> is wailing a thousand tears but IRL I never shed a tear over my broken
>> down life.  I just find myself wishing in vane that I could go back in
>> time and fix the mistakes that have led me to this point.  In every
>> waking hour of the day I find myself thinking either of ctbing or
>> thinking of what I could have done to have avoided crashing my life in
>> such a way that I feel that I must ctb.  Those are my two most
>> consistent, constant modes of thought.

>

>> I am unlike many in ASH/ASM that have some innate, organic, deep-
>> seeded flaw in their intrinsic psychological make-up that would have
>> inevitably led them to ctb.  I feel my situation is purely
>> circumstantial.  If I feel if I could change the circumstances of my
>> life I would no longer feel the need to ctb.  The catch is I truly,
>> truly don't think I can honestly change those circumstances - thus my
>> dilemma.  In all actuality I may be oversimplifying the situation.
>> There's always the chance that I innately or inherently have a
>> suicidal make-up and a myriad of different life fates would have led
>> me to the point of being suicidal.  I tend toward the latter
>> explanation because I have always felt that there are some fates worse
>> than death - even before I became suicidal.

>

>> One thing that seems an insurmountable task is writing out a suicide
>> note to my siblings and parents.  I know for me writing out a note (or
>> better a letter or novel as it will turn out to be) is a big hurdle
>> for me.  I don't think words can express everything I want and need to
>> say to them when the time comes.  Odd as it would seem to a normal
>> person, I'm actually totally comfortable with my ctb except for the
>> pain and shame it will bring to my family.   Writing about it might be
>> a way of working through my depression and anxiety over the whole
>> matter - to some degree.  I just know it somehow helps me (almost like
>> therapy) to share and vent here at ASH/ASM.

>

>> CTB

>
> Hi CTB,
>
> I'm new to this site and really relate to what you said. I felt really
> sad hearing you say that you are wailing inside and not shedding a
> tear for yourself. I felt sad for myself and sad for you because I
> feel similar- I won't say the same cause it is your sadness and your
> reasons so I want to respect that.
> I too feel like the living dead. I'm living a life that's seeping in
> regret - Is it rational? for the most part no, but try telling the
> heart that. I've exhausted all of my energies, tried everything and
> the cowardly part of me would like to die per chance but although I
> wish for this, dawn breaks every morning. I was victimized as a child
> and suffer from severe PTDS. A family member abused me psychologically
> almost to death. I have lost a lot and rejected love even though I
> worked my ass off!! how I worked. I'm now suicidal and find 2 things
> stopping me: the pain I would give to my family and friend and my
> belief that as much as I regret now, I would go to a place of regret
> after my consciousness moves on if I choose to die. Perhaps I can
> deceive myself that I would go to some "better place", I don't know.
> Why are some people handed a shit deal in life? ...
> I don't have a clue. I like buddhist philosophy but karma is a flawed
> concept on many levels.
>
> I wish you to the best and wish that you discover a way to ease your
> wailing inside.
>
> Best wishes,
> klyn- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -