ACT TWO
A shot of the Enterprise cruising past. Kirk voiceovers, "Captain's
log, stardate thirteen twenty-nine point one." (Yes, this is actually
earlier than the stardate from the top of the show. A careless mistake
on someone's part.)

We cut to Kirk's cabin, as Kirk ushers Walsh's "cargo" out. Kirk
voiceovers, "We've taken on board from an unregistered transport vessel
its captain and . . . and three unusual females. These women have a
mysterious magnetic effect on the male members of my crew." (Insert
joke about "male members" here.) "Including myself. Explanation
unknown at present." Spock follows the women out of Kirk's cabin, and
Kirk gets down to business with Walsh.

"Well, how the devil am I supposed to know this is a starship,
Captain?" Walsh wonders in injured tones as he tosses his hat onto
Kirk's desk. "There I am with a cargo of young lovelies, a strange
ship comes up alongside. Well, naturally I did my best to evade ye!
An' starship captain or no, you exceeded yer authority when ye drove me
and mine into a shower of asteroids!"

"Your name, please," says Kirk, intent on filling out his report on the
incident.

"Walsh," says Walsh. "Leo Walsh. You destroyed me ship, Captain."

Kirk, with his own ship reduced to a single lithium crystal circuit, is
in no mood to listen to Walsh's bluster. "Mr. Walsh, I'm convening a
ship's hearing on your actions. Mr. Spock will supply you with any
legal information you may need . . . for your defense."

"Yer a hard-nosed one, Captain," Walsh growls.

"And you're a liar, Mr. Walsh," Kirk responds. "I think we both
understand each other." He raises his voice. "Security!" The
security guard comes in. "Escort Mr. Walsh to his quarters. Confine
him there." Walsh glares at Kirk as he leaves. Kirk smiles.

#

On the bridge, Spock is sitting in the Big Chair, messing around with
some computer tapes, when Sulu and Farrell emerge from the turbolift.
Farrell is looking dazed. When he pauses to lean against a bulkhead
next to the ship's plaque, Sulu snaps his fingers in front of his face
and says, "You're on duty, Johnny. Back to reality."

"You can feel their eyes when they look at you," Farrell mumbles as he
weaves his way over to the Command Module. "Like something grabbing
hold of you." Turning to look at Sulu, he asks, "Have you noticed
that?"

"I've noticed," says a smiling Sulu. "How I noticed."

Scott, who has observed the byplay, comes over to the Big Chair and
says, "We're in trouble, Mr. Spock."

"I'm well aware of that, Mr. Scott."

"One lithium crystal left, and that with a hairline split at the base."

"Better rig a bypass circuit."

"Can't. We blew the whole converter assembly."

If Spock were human, he would sigh. Being Vulcanian he just looks like
he wants to sigh. He punches the intercom button on the Big Chair.

"Kirk here."

"Needed on the bridge, Captain."

#

The briefing room, where the three women are clustered together,
talking things over. They look worried. A pair of security guards
escort Walsh in. All three of the women start plying Walsh with
questions, addressing him as "Harry" while doing so. Walsh, whose
name is supposed to be Leo, shushes them, saying "Calm down, now."
He turns to the guards and says, "Uh, did ye mind waitin'
outside?"

"Sorry, sir," says the guard on the left curtly.

Walsh turns back to the women and says, "Well, now, answer every
question they put to you. Don't lie. Well, you've no need to,
have you? And don't submit to a med -" he breaks off, then adds
for the benefit of the guards, "That is, bein' so healthy,
they've no need for a medical exam, have they?"

The platinum blonde in the blue dress asks, "But what if they ask us
about -"

"They won't," Walsh interrupts her with a warning look. With
another look at the guards, he asks, "Have ye no place to go,
lads?"

The brunette says, "They'll notice we're diff-"

Again, Walsh interrupts. "No, no, no they won't. You just let Leo
take all the hard questions." He puts a slight emphasis on the name.
"Now, don't be panicking, loves. We'll get to -"

Now it's the turn of the blonde in the red gown to interrupt. "Get
where? We don't have a ship, and we're headed the wrong way,
Harry."

"Le-" Walsh stops himself, then lowers his voice. "Leo. Leo
Walsh is me name, darlin'. Don't forget that." Raising his
voice again, he babbles, "So lovely, so lovely, aren't they? Ah,
if they'll only think lovely thoughts, if they smile, why, they'll
come out right some which way, now, won't they?" Really laying it
on thick, though whether for the benefit of the guards, the women or
himself is a question he might not be able to answer. With shifty eyes
and a grin as phony as Piltdown Man, he adds, "Me personal guarantee
on that."

#

Kirk enters the bridge and makes his way over to the engineering
station, where Spock and Scott are staring down at a readout. Spock
explains, "The entire ship's power is feeding through one lithium
crystal."

"Then switch to bypass circuits," says Kirk in an it's-obvious
voice.

"We burned them all out when we superheated, Captain," explains
Scott. "That jackass Walsh not only wrecked his own vessel, but in
saving his skin -"

"If it makes you feel any better, Engineer," says Kirk, "that's
one jackass we're going to see skinned."

"Ah, but it's frustrating. Almost a million gross tons of vessel
depending on a hunk of crystal the size of my fist."

"And that crystal won't hold up," Spock, ever the ray of
sunshine, points out. "Not pulling all our power through it."

But Kirk knows his first officer. "Well, Mr. Spock?"

"There's a lithium mining operation on Rigel XII. High grade ore,
I've heard." Spock always seems to come through with the lithium
mining operations, even out on the edge of the galaxy. Perhaps he
deliberately arranges the ship's course so it's always within close
range of one.

"Location and distance?"

"Mr. Farrell has the course." Ah, that Spock. "Less than two
days travel."

"Make for Rigel XII, Mr. Spock."

"Rigel XII, Mr. Farrell," Spock relays. "You have the course."

#

A shot of the Enterprise cruising past as Kirk voiceovers,
"Captain's log, stardate Thirteen twenty-nine point two."

Cut to the briefing room, where Walsh and the women are seated on one
side of the table while Kirk, Spock, Scott, McCoy and Farrell are
seated on the other. As usual, Spock is manning the computer terminal.
"On board the USS Enterprise, a ship's hearing is being convened
against the transport vessel's captain. I'm becoming concerned
about the almost hypnotic effect produced by the women."

In the briefing room, Kirk says, "This hearing is convened. Stardate
thirteen twenty-nine point two on board starship USS Enterprise.
Formal hearings against transport captain Leo Walsh. Start
computer."

Spock hits a switch on the computer terminal. An oscilloscope appears
on the briefing table viewscreen showing a sine wave. Spock says,
"State your name for the record."

"Leo Francis Walsh" states Walsh with a faint smile.

We see the viewscreen with Walsh sitting to its left. The sine wave
scatters as the computer says "Incorrect" in Majel Barrett's
voice.

Walsh's smile vanishes as he glares at the viewscreen.

"Your correct name," says Spock.

Walsh looks around nervously and says, "Gentlemen, surely you're
not going to take the word of a soulless mechanical device over that of
a real flesh and blood man?"

Kirk's expression says, you're damn right I'm taking the
computer's word over yours, and don't call me Shirley. Spock
actually sighs before he says, "Please state your correct name for
the record."

Walsh gives one last flash of bravado before muttering, "Harry
Mudd."

"Incorrect," states the computer as the sine wave breaks up again.

Drinking the bitter cup to the dregs, Mudd mumbles, "Harcourt Fenton
Mudd."

"Any past offenses, Mr. Mudd?" Spock asks.

The Irish brogue gone along with the last faint hope of passing himself
off as Walsh, Mudd insists, "Of course not. Gentlemen, I'm simply
an honest businessman."

"Incorrect."

"Blast that tinplated pot," growls Mudd.

"Full data coming on screen," says the computer, and the sine wave
dissolves into a copy of Mudd's police record. There's a photo of
Mudd, wearing the orange puffy shirt over the black tee-shirt, but with
the earring in his right ear. The report reads:

POLICE RECORD
HARCOURT FENTON MUDD
Smuggling. Sentence . . . Suspended.
Transport of Stolen Goods.
Purchase of Space Vessel
With Counterfeit Currency.
Sentences:
Psychiatric Treatment ...
Effectiveness Disputed.
Future Police Record-Code X731248
DESCRIPTION: Height 6'1"; Weight 240 lbs; Brown Hair and
Eyes; Complexion Fair. Any Information Pertaining to Mudd,
Please Notify Authorities.

(Memory Alpha notes that actor Roger C. Carmel is actually 6'3".)

"If it can read our minds, too -" begins the brunette.

"They can't, darling, they can't," Mudd assures her. "Just
what's on the records."

The computer proceeds to recite Mudd's offenses and sentences while
Mudd tries to look unconcerned.

"Mr. Mudd," says Kirk, "you are charged with galaxy travel
without a flight plan, without an identification beam, and failure to
answer a starship's signal, thus effecting a menace to navigation."
Ah, so that's why they took an interest in Mudd's ship; they ran
across it out in the middle of nowhere, and since Mudd hadn't filed a
flight plan, there was no ship scheduled to be there. After that,
presumably, they would have tried to hail the ship, and when they got
no answer, they would have pursued it. When Mudd saw them coming, he
ran, and that's where the episode opened.

"What, my tiny little ship in this immense galaxy, a menace to
navigation?" He gives an unconvincing guffaw.

"You're also charged with operation of a vessel without a
master's license."

"Untrue. I have a master's ticket."

"Incorrect. Master's license revoked stardate eleven sixteen point
four."

"All right," Mudd mumbles, before gathering up his courage as he
prepares to launch another salvo of BS. "Well, very simply, Leo
Walsh, who was to be my captain on this trip, passed away suddenly. I
had no choice but to take out my ship me own self, did I? Well, I
assumed Leo's name for this voyage, out of courtesy to him. In
memoriam, as it were. Fine, fine man. Alas, gone to his reward."
While Mudd is spinning his tale, the three women start eyeing Kirk's
crew, which proves very distracting to them, to say the least.

Kirk manages to avoid being distracted. "Destination and purpose of
journey?"

"Planet Ophiuchus III," says Mudd. (Ophiuchus is a constellation
in the southern hemisphere. As John Varley notes, it just missed fame
by being a few degrees away from the zodiac. The Barnard's Star
system, which at six light years is the second closest to the Solar
System, lies within Ophiuchus, as does the supernova of 1604, which is
about 20,000 light years away. There's no way of knowing which star in
the constellation the planet Ophiuchus III orbits, but it's presumably
a frontier world some distance from Earth.) "Wiving settlers."

The last phrase throws Kirk for a loop. "Come again, Mr. Mudd? You
do what?"

"I recruit wives for settlers. A difficult but satisfying task."
Mudd motions toward the platinum blonde in the blue dress, who responds
with a come and get it, big boy! look.

Allllllrighty, then. Kirk says, "Data on witnesses."

Spock hits a button, and a wave of light passes over the three women as
the computer scans them. "No data," the computer reports.

"Computer," says Kirk, "go to sensor probe. Any unusual
readings?"

"No decipherable reading on females. However, unusual reading on
male board members." We pan from McCoy to Scott to Farrell as the
computer continues. "Detecting high respiration patterns,
perspiration rates up, heartbeat rapid, blood pressure higher than
normal." Harry Mudd has got his grin back.

"Uh, that's sufficient," says Kirk. "Strike that from the
record, Mr. Spock."

"Do you see, gentlemen?" says Mudd, and now he's got a little of
the Walsh lilt back in his voice. "Just as I told you, three lovely
ladies, destined for frontier planets to be the companions of lonely
men. To supply that warmth of a human touch that's so desperately
needed. A wife, a home, a family. Gentlemen, I look upon this task as
a sacred public trust. I've devoted me whole life to it."

"Incorrect."

Irritated, Mudd says, "Well, I'm about to start devoting my entire
life to it."

"Did these ladies come voluntarily?" Kirk asks.

"Well, of course!" Mudd exclaims. "For example, Ruthie here,"
he indicates the brunette, whose full name, according to Memory Alpha,
is Ruth Bonaventure, "comes from a pelagic planet. Sea ranches.
Magda there," he indicates the platinum blonde, full name Magda
Kovacs, "from the Halium experimental station."

"It's the same story for all of us, Captain," says the third
woman, who is listed in Memory Alpha as Eve McHuron. "No men. Mine
was a farm planet with automated machines for company, and two brothers
to cook for, mend their clothes." Cut to Mudd, nodding
sympathetically. "Canal mud a foot thick on their boots every time
they walked in."

"Fine, Evie, fine," says Mudd, with a side order of you can shut up
now.

"No, it's not fine," McHuron insists. "We've got men willing
to be our husbands waiting for us and you're taking us in the
opposite direction. Staring at us like we were Saturnius harem girls
or something."

"That's enough, Evie," says Mudd with an edge in his voice.

"The only charges are against Mr. Mudd," Kirk assures McHuron.
"Illegal operation of a vessel." Turning to Mudd, he asks, "Do
you have any defense to offer?"

"Only heaven's own truth, which I've just given you," says Mudd
sanctimoniously.

A musical sting, after which Kirk says, "This hearing is closed. Mr.
Mudd to be handed over to the legal authorities at our earliest
opportunity." After we get some lithium crystals from Rigel XII to
replace the ones we burned out, in other words.

McHuron does not look pleased. "And what about us? What happens to
us?" Grabbing Kirk by the shoulders, she pleads, "Help us, please,
all of us!"

There's an electric crackle and the lights go dim. Kirk tries to
disengage himself, saying, "Miss McHuron, if you don't mind -"

Mudd looks up at the lights with a thoughtful expression. Scott says,
"It's the last crystal, sir. It's gone."

A page whistle, and Sulu intercoms, "Captain Kirk, engineering
section reports our entire life support system is now on batteries."

"Mr. Spock," Kirk begins, but finds himself still tangled up in
blonde. "Miss McHuron, please, would you mind? Mr. Spock, will you
contact the miners on Rigel XII? Notify them that we'll need the
lithium crystals immediately upon arrival." Kirk finally makes it
out of the door, followed by the rest of his crew.

When Mudd turns around, he's got a great big grin on his face.
"Oh, you beautiful galaxy," he says to himself. "Oh, that
heavenly universe! Why, girls, lithium miners! Don't you
understand? Lonely, isolated, overworked, rich lithium miners. Girls,
do you still want husbands? Hmm? Evie, you won't have to be
satisfied with a mere ship's captain. I'll get you a man who can
buy you a whole planet! Maggie, you're going to be a countess!
Ruth, I'll make you a duchess! And I . . . " Mudd looks around the
briefing room. "I'll be running this starship!" He dramatically
plants himself in the chair recently vacated by Kirk, leans back, and
props his feet up on the table, saying, "Captain James Kirk, the next
orders you're taking will be given by Harcourt Fenton Mudd!"

Mudd laughs maniacally, and there's a comic musical sting as we fade
to black.