(Look! A subject that's simultaneously redundant AND oxymoronic!)

I love music. I consider myself fortunate to have just enough of whatever it
takes to anchor a "weekend warrior" rock band of like-minded contemporaries. By
"like-minded," I mean educated professionals with real responsibilities, who
nevertheless appreciate the opportunity to constructively blow off steam once a
week in a garage, and once a month in some or other dive bar. No delusions here;
the day jobs are not going away, the paltry pay for bar gigs can barely be called
"beer money," and we'd do it for free if we had to. It's just a great way to kick
back and forget about the grind for a few hours here and there.

Next time you're in front of the idiot box, flip to MTV or BET while they're
running one of their "Supa Phat Dope Bomb Hype Jamz" hip-hop video programs. It
will become immediately obvious that the flaming assholes running these networks
truly do HATE music. They don't hate it in the same way as those who promote, say,
a Jimmy Buffett tour, or sign the next vapid "artist/brand" teenage street whore
to a record deal, but hate's hate, right?

Hang on, I think I'm going somewhere with this. My neighborhood gym is quite the
culturally diverse little house of fitness. Its membership is roughly 50%% Esse,
40%% nigger, and 10%% Whitey. Much to the consternation of the 10%% crowd, the
whitebread gym owner, being a businessman who knows well where his bread is
buttered, reluctantly allows the 40%% crowd to dicate the musical soundtrack of the
afternoon workout. The 50%% crowd generally no habla ingles, and the 10%% crowd
can't be bothered starting a squabble over such petty bullshit.

Every last video I've seen has been the same four minutes of homogeneously
laughable dreck. It's a modern-day step-n-fetch-it minstrel show, plain and
simple. All "artists," "songs," and "videos" are manufactured along the same
formula; pay attention, and you too can start raking in dat mad cabbage:

1. Make sure you have as a "stage name," a common English word that's horribly
misspelled.

2. "Sample" a hook, if not an entire song, from an established, talented artist.
Constructing chord progressions, melodies, and harmonies is just too difficult,
and doesn't leave enough time for you to "keep it real."

3. Make sure that your "lyrics" are peppered with enough profanity that when your
"song" or video is played, the "bleeping" sounds like Morse code.

4. Butcher the English language at every possible turn (when the hell did
"Birthday" become "Birfday," anyway?).

5. For the video, make sure you're wearing a knee-length white t-shirt or
"'fro-back" sports jersey with matching hat (oversized, bill cocked approximately
25 degrees to one side), and several pounds of platinum "jooo-ry."

6. The video must contain frequent close-ups of you not so much dancing, but
rocking back and forth, slowly nodding your head, and making frequent hand
gestures (IMPORTANT!!! Never, EVER smile).

7. The presence of several tricked-out "pimp rides" is a must. By my count, the
Cadillac Escalade and Hummer H2 are the leading nigger "whips du jour" in the
hip-hop community.

8. Make sure you have a scene that requires about 100 or so extras, either eating
barbecue in a park, or kickin' it in da club. These should include your close
friends, "associates," and other assorted unemployable hangers-on. In addition,
you'll need several "bitchez" and "ho's" (shakin' dey assez) and perhaps a child
or two (how cute).

There you go - everything you need to know to be a star on MTV/BET. Best of luck
to you, future hip-hop starz 'n whatnot, knowumsayin'?

Kickin' it wit' my ho,