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http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/07/AR2008020703712.html...
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The Art of Small Talk
Does Idle Chatter Matter? More Than You May Think.

es! It's frigid!

Makes me wistful for spring.

Me, too. I love warm weather.

Well, duh. Who doesn't? But any kind of weather, even the worst of it,
has an upside: conversation fodder.

In a town that's stereotyped for talking big, are we equally
loquacious in matters of small talk? Call it what you will --
chitchat, idle banter, cocktail party conversation -- small talk is
ubiquitous. It's a staple of happy hours, sure, but it's also invoked
in queues, on chairlifts and airplanes, in job interviews and at
networking functions. It's a necessary step toward talking a bigger
game.

It can also be maddeningly mundane. Niceties about the weather? Come
on. So what makes light conversation good conversation? And how can
those of us who are less silver-tongued learn not to sweat the small
stuff?

There's a way? Do tell.

"People are looking for the perfect thing to say," says Debra Fine,
author of "The Fine Art of Small Talk" (Hyperion, 2005). "But most of
us perfectionists never come up with the perfect icebreaker."

Hence, weather. It's a commonality, Fine says. So are Britney Spears
(tragic, isn't it?), traffic (brutal, as always) and the fate of the
Nationals (will they ever hit the big time?). If the goal of small
talk is to make the other person comfortable with you, agreeable
topics are ideal.

"Focus on something that can put you on the same level as the person,"
says Jim Hewes, who has tended bar at the Willard InterContinental
hotel's Round Robin Bar since it reopened in 1986. "If the TV is on
and the football game's on and you say, 'Go, Redskins,' and the guy at
the bar says, 'Yeah, I love the Redskins,' then all of a sudden you've
established common ground. Then he tells you that he lives in
Cincinnati but used to live in Washington."

Point is, whether or not you're a Redskins fan, conversation breeds
conversation. Cliched openers turn up nuggets that beget richer
topics. When Round Robin patrons open up, Hewes gains a trove of
conversational currency.

"I haven't traveled much, but I know about things all over the world
through the people I meet," he says, "so I can carry on a conversation
with someone about the weather in Tucson or the golf courses outside
Sarasota Springs."

If knowledge is conversational sustenance, here's an idea: Read a
newspaper. (See? You're already one step closer to being a small-talk
sophisticate!)

"If you feel that you know enough things going on that you can fall
back on, you're going to be more comfortable and more open about
starting a conversation," says Susan RoAne, author of "What Do I Say
Next?" (Grand Central, 1999).

Preparing a handful of talking points alleviates one of small talk's
biggest discomforts: What do you say next? The icebreaker is one
thing; keeping the conversation going is another.

Imagine you're a job applicant. The interviewer comes to take you to
her office. You smile, politely shake hands, and follow her down the
hall to her office. The hallway is like the corridors at the Pentagon:
endless.

You finally get there, pleasantries about the weather exchanged. The
interviewer calls her supervisor, who's supposed to sit in on the
meeting. The supervisor says she'll be there in two minutes. Two
minutes of filler conversation! Gulp.

And it's up to you to assume the burden. If candidates are equally
qualified, "you know who they'll hire. They'll hire the one they feel
comfortable with, not the one who's awkward," Fine says.

When in doubt, experts say, ask questions and listen. Attentiveness is
flattery in the highest degree. Smart follow-up questions show you're
interested and help the conversation flow.

Above all, experts say, don't panic when there are pauses. When you
meet someone, such lulls are inevitable and, chances are, the other
person feels equally self-conscious.

Get In, Then Move On

At parties, of course, there is a delightful antidote to
conversational awkwardness: alcohol. Booze has its limitations (slurry
talk is not small talk), but it also presents a strategic opportunity.
At cocktail parties and other such events, experts say, it's smart to
stand near the bar or appetizer table. There's a constant flow of
people and built-in commonality.

Those puff pastries are delicious, aren't they?

Indeed! I wonder what's in them?

Food is undoubtedly one of the easier -- and tastier -- entrees into
conversation. Standing near the food table not only occupies you (hey,
it's impolite to talk with food in your mouth), but also gives you an
easy excuse to chat when the next person comes by to grab some shrimp
cocktail.

Just remember that cocktail parties are meant for movement, for
interacting across the room.

"There should be a flow at a party like that," says Jeanne Martinet,
author of "The Art of Mingling" (St. Martin's Griffin, 2006). "If
everybody finds someone and stays talking to them, the party just
stops."

Abandoning a conversation partner can be tricky, though.

Terry Bell, co-owner and hairstylist at Ilo Salon & Day Spa in
Georgetown, is well-versed in chatter, seeing as many as 15 clients a
day. He's a pro at reading people and knowing when to exit the
conversation.

"If a client sits in front of you and she opens up a magazine, you
know that person does not want to talk," Bell says. "You might bring
up some conversation just to keep it at a certain level, but you
realize that the person doesn't want to talk for the whole 45
minutes."

So reading body language, regardless of whether you're at the salon or
at a party, is key. If you're talking to someone whose eyes are
roaming the room, they're ready to mingle. That's when you should
interrupt yourself, experts say, and excuse yourself to grab food or a
drink, or say hello to the hostess.

"Giving someone just a little explanation of why you have to exit is
thoughtful," RoAne says. It's also good etiquette to say that you
enjoyed speaking with the person and, when possible, to mention
something you discussed. After you leave, be sure to walk toward
another person or the food table, she says. "If you just turn your
back and stay in the same physical space, that's insulting."

What if you're ready to move on, but the other person isn't catching
your signals? This, after all, is one reason many of us dread small
talk: We fear getting trapped.

Fine suggests waving a white flag of sorts: acknowledging that
although there's someone else you'd like to see, you want to hear the
person's story before you go.

"You're saying, 'Okay, I want to get over there, but I'm giving you
two minutes to wrap this up,' " Fine says. "People with good manners
recognize that. People without manners keep going and going -- then
it's okay for me to interrupt you at that point and take off."

Extending your hand toward someone is one obvious but polite clue that
the conversation has ended. The bar and hors d'oeuvres table offer
other outlets: You can walk to get refills together and, while
grabbing a drink or piece of bruschetta, fold yourself into a new
conversation.

Another approach experts recommend is the introduction. Introduce your
conversation partner to someone new, help facilitate the chitchat for
a minute and then excuse yourself.

Small Stuff? Not Necessarily.

It isn't always easy, comfortable or interesting, but aficionados
believe that small talk can provide big gains. The point of the trite
topics (weather, Britney, sports) is to unearth topics on which to
connect, and those connections could play out in business, romance or
your social life -- who knows?

Hence why RoAne, who also wrote "How to Create Your Own Luck" (Wiley,
2004), is adamant that introductions always include a person's first
and last names.

"You never know who's going to be somebody," she says. "But if you
only give one name, the follow-up isn't so easy."

It's a delicate balance, though. Small talk with an opportunistic
motive can quickly devolve from light conversation to overt
exploitation. Keep it real, and look for genuine things in common.

"Washington is a place that takes itself a little too seriously," says
Hewes, whose patrons routinely include high-powered executives and
lobbyists. "But we're all very similar; we have the same feelings,
same fears. Everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time."

And everyone talks about the weather. Lovely, isn't it?