> Someone sent this to me, it gave me a chuckle, but it is just a joke!
> Enjoy!
>
>
> Subject: A letter from the Home Office to the people of the USA.
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
> and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your
> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
> will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
> minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%% of you who
> have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
> will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
> elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
> will
> be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
> in
> the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
> at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
> letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
> learn
> to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end
> your
> love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
> suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that
> the
> suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
> respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
> pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
> acceptable
> levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer
> show.
> If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
> have
> chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't
> have
> to use bad language as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
> on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account
> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
> It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
> to
> learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
> "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
> talking
> about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
> in
> England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
> it
> Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
> Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> the
> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
> "Red
> Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
> audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
> incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
> of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game. The 2.15%% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
> You
> will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
> is
> a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
> to
> play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
> involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
> armour
> like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
> sevens
> side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host
> an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
> outside of
> America. Since only 2.15%% of you are aware that there is a world
> beyond
> your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
> will be
> allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
> without
> fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
> if
> they give you any merde. The 97.85%% of you who were not aware that
> there
> is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
> Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit".
> You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
> be
> allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> vegetable
> peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
> potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
> carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
> Day".
>
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
> your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
> mean.
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
> start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
> go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables.
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
> of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> 97.85%% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
> are
> not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
> calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
> fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
> which
> should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
> aggressive with customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
> all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
> known
> as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
> Knat's
> Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
> company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
> Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last
> 1000
> years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
> you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
> the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
> and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
> $6/US
> gallon - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
> without
> suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
> enough
> to handle a gun.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
> to
> ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>
> (Let the flaming begin!)