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Author: philip_bordleyphilip_bordley Date: May 14, 2008 11:41
I don’t know what I’m really looking for in this, my first posting to
this group.
Basically I’m a forty year old male (UK based) and after eighteen
years of being faithful to my wife in thought (most of the time) and
deed (all of the time), have ended up with a situation which brings me
here.
Over the last couple of years’ a very deep friendship had built up
between my wife, myself and a second lady, “K”, a divorcee. It’s got
to be a bit of a joke with people who know us that we are always
together, we sleep at her house, she sleeps at ours and if we’re out
doing stuff we are doing all together unless the one absent has a damn
good excuse (the absent one can be any of the three of us). Anyway my
feelings had been growing for “K” first friendship, then love and then
in love, but I wasn’t saying or doing anything about it. I’m nice guy
(which means that in my teens and twenties I was crapped on a lot, but
with age this seems to become an asset), I love and am in love with my
wife I was just going to bottle it up and carry on.
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Author: AquaAqua Date: May 14, 2008 14:24
> So why the hell am I so scared of hurting the two women I care about
> most in this world? Why is this situation terrifying me more than the
> first time I asked my wife out? I’m forty years old...I shouldn’t
> feel like a mixed up kid should I?
There doesn't need to be a "why". It's okay to be scared, and it might
be useful to talk to both of them about it. At least it might give them
insight if you sometimes act a bit oddly about the whole situation.
And you're full of exciting new emotions - here we sometimes talk about
NRE, which means "new relationship energy" but could also mean "new
relationship emotions", and there is absolutely no age limit on those.
Sorry :-).
My other suggestion (which of course is worth what you paid for it) is
that if you haven't already, make sure K and your wife have a one-on-one
chat about how they each understand the situation. It may help K
understand that she won't be "sneaking around" on your wife.
Aqua
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Author: Pat KightPat Kight Date: May 14, 2008 15:38
Aqua wrote:
>> So why the hell am I so scared of hurting the two women I care about
>> most in this world? Why is this situation terrifying me more than the
>> first time I asked...
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Author: Aahz MaruchAahz Maruch Date: May 14, 2008 18:50
>
>I don=92t know what I=92m really looking for in this, my first posting to
>this group.
Welcome to alt.poly! Aqua and Pat have already covered most things I'd
want to say. First I'd like to emphasize that having your wife and K
talk directly together is Very Important. You and they might also find
it comforting to meet other poly people
-- there are a fair number in
the UK, though they may not live near you.
--
Hugs and backrubs -- I break Rule 6 http://rule6.info/
<*> <*> <*>
"Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose."
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Author: AquaAqua Date: May 15, 2008 00:53
Phil: this has nothing to do with you. I apologise for already
derailing a thread about your situation. I intend to read and
contribute what I can to further discussion about your situation, and oh
by the way:
Welcome to Usenet.
Pat Kight wrote:
> Aqua wrote:
[snip what I said]
>
> What she said.
Right at the moment I hate, loathe and detest gender. And at the same
time I want to hug my femaleness.
Because I _liked_ being a zie online. I identify with being a zie
online, and to some extent in person. And yet, I can't, it appears, be
a zie online, because my world is too fucking sexist to allow that. It
keeps stomping on me, making sure my experience of the world is forced
to be different, angrier, more frustrated, more time wasted on battling
prejudice against me, against other women, against other groups my world
defines as inferior.
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Author: Blunt and OpaqueBlunt and Opaque Date: May 15, 2008 01:16
Aqua internode.on.net>, in article <557sf5-kv6.ln1@mail-news.jamver.id.au>, dixit:>Right at the moment I hate, loathe and detest gender. And at the same
>time I want to hug my femaleness.
*nod nod*
>Because I _liked_ being a zie online.
I've given up, but I did, too. Especially having first gotten online
in the late 80's with an excessively feminine name. Switching to
"Piglet" was *such* a relief from that pressure.
>I do not have children, as a political statement: this society does not
>deserve any woman making the decision to have children, and it should
>treasure and fawn over those women who do, and I completely admire and
>support the women who do, but excuse me if I secretly think you have to
>be at least a little bit crazy to make that choice, because just look at
>all the preposterous rubbishy shit you have to put up with because of it.
All (US) Southern mothers are crazy.
--
Piglet, dead serious
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Author: MicheMiche Date: May 15, 2008 01:29
In article <557sf5-kv6.ln1@mail-news.jamver.id.au>,
Aqua internode.on.net> wrote:
> And don't get me started on motherhood. I don't have children. I chose
> to not have children. It is becoming increasingly clear that I made
> that choice (albeit subconsciously, but you know, my...
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Author: Aahz MaruchAahz Maruch Date: May 15, 2008 01:40
In article <557sf5-kv6.ln1@mail-news.jamver.id.au>,
Aqua internode.on.net> wrote:>
>I do not have children because our society is completely, totally fucked
>up in its attitude to children, their upbringing, who takes
>responsibility for that upbringing, and my particular personality
>characteristics mean I should only have children in a society where
>these particular fuck ups are not around.
That's part of why my primary and I chose not to have children, too.
>So, yes, please refer to me as "zie", and that up there would be the
>pocket summary of why.
You know me; you know I'll certainly try to remember. But there are also
some number of ardently feminist women who *hate* being called "zie", so
there's some non-zero chance I won't remember. I apologize in advance
for any such forgetfulness.
--
Hugs and backrubs -- I break Rule 6 http://rule6.info/
<*> <*> <*>
"One ghoti, two ghoti..." --Araiguma
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Author: John PalmerJohn Palmer Date: May 15, 2008 03:41
On Wed, 14 May 2008 02:41:10 -0700 (PDT), philip_bordley@ yahoo.com
wrote:
>So why the hell am I so scared of hurting the two women I care about
>most in this world? Why is this situation terrifying me more than the
>first time I asked my wife out? Im forty years old...I shouldnt
>feel like a mixed up kid should I?
Well, one of the reasons kids feel awkward is probably that they're
doing a lot of things for the first time. And you're stepping into new
territory, and looking at a potentially awkward situation. So, there's
good reason to feel like a "mixed up kid" in some ways.
Re: being scared, I once heard someone say something that struck me as
wise.
Certain emotions feel (on a strictly physical level) exactly the same.
If you lost your memory in the middle of being afraid (so you don't
know what caused your emotional state), you might assume you were
excited/thrilled, or vice versa.
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Author: Pat KightPat Kight Date: May 15, 2008 03:51
Aqua wrote:
Right at the moment I hate, loathe and detest gender. And at the same
> time I want to hug my femaleness.
>
> Because I _liked_ being a zie online.
(A most excellent and justifiable rant snipped. Go read it.)
> So, yes, please refer to me as "zie", and that up there would be the
> pocket summary of why.
I will try very hard to do that in the future, and I sincerely apologize
for doing otherwise.
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