> http://news.yahoo.com/s/weeklystandard/20080409/cm_weeklystandard/sev...
> Seven New Deadly Sins
> P.J. O'Rourke
> Wed Apr 9, 9:53 AM ET
>
> Washington (The Weekly Standard) Vol. 013, Issue 29 - 4/14/2008 - Busy times for us sinners--there are now an additional Seven
> Deadly Sins. The fresh abominations in the eyes of the Lord were announced by Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Vatican body
> that oversees confessions and plenary indulgences. This organization goes by the contrition-inducing name of the Apostolic
> Penitentiary. In an article in the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Bishop Girotti detailed the seven new ways we can go to
> hell or, at the minimum, be sentenced to afterlife in purgatory at the Apostle Pen. The bishop's supersizing of the mortal
> transgression catalog is thoroughly up-to-date (as translated by the Times of London):
>
> 1. Drug abuse
>
> 2. Morally debatable experimentation
>
> 3. Environmental pollution
>
> 4. Causing poverty
>
> 5. Social inequality and injustice
>
> 6. Genetic manipulation
>
> 7. Accumulating excessive wealth
>
> Not to argue theology with the Vatican, but environmental pollution is hardly among Satan's strongest temptations. Pollution is not
> a passion we resist with an agony of will for the sake of our immortal souls. I've been to parties where all seven of the original
> deadlies were on offer in carload lots. Never once have I heard a reveler shout with evil glee, "Let's dump PCBs in the Hudson
> River!"
>
> If all environmental pollution were stopped forthwith--as any proper sin ought to be--wouldn't this result in "causing poverty"?
> Eschewing New Deadly Sin #3 forces us to commit New Deadly Sin #4. And New Deadly Sin #5 as well, since "social injustice and
> inequality" cannot be eliminated without global economic progress. Furthermore, that progress depends in part on New Deadly Sin #6,
> the genetic manipulation entailed in the bioengineering of new high-yield crop varieties to feed the hungry. Here we have Bishop
> Girotti, who is supposed to be leading us to God, leading us instead to a hopeless paradox and the unforgivable sin against the Holy
> Ghost, despair.
>
> Speaking of which, modern economists despair of any way to quit causing poverty except by accumulating excessive wealth--the excess
> supplying the capital needed for global economic progress. Also the Right Reverend should get out more and take a walk around
> Vatican City. A Mother Teresa leper hospital it ain't.
>
> Still, one takes the bishop's point. A deadly sins addendum is long overdue. Life has changed since Pope Gregory the Great scribbled
> his initial list in the sixth century. For one thing modern society has turned Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Sloth, and Greed into
> virtues: building self-esteem, dreaming your dream, exercising gourmet tastes, having satisfying sex for life, speaking truth to
> power, being relaxed and centered. And Gordon Gekko said it all about greed.
>
> Unfortunately Bishop Girotti's late-model sins make as little sense as a Jeremiah Wright sermon. They have no gravitas. Imagine the
> reaction in the confessional when you say, "Father, I have littered." Plus the supplementary desecrations lack a certain flair. The
> beauty of Pope Gregory's lineup was that he nailed our most devilish villainies with one word each. His seven evocative nouns
> produced an instant mental image: a puffed-up, shifty-eyed, fat cat furiously ripping the thong off a young intern on a slow night
> in the Oval Office.
>
> I pretend to no expertise, let alone authority, in religious matters. However, I can't resist the temptation of having a go, myself,
> at The Seven Deadly, Part II. (I once would have felt it was prideful to do so, but that was before building my self-esteem.)
>
> 1. Celebrity. This is far and away the besetting sin of the 21st century. Note that the root of the word is "celebrate." What evil,
> pentagram-enclosed, goat-heinie-kissing ceremony are we celebrating with Kevin Federline?
>
> 2. Communication. In former days just Adam and Eve ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, and only one time at that. Now
> everybody's a know-it-all 24/7 thanks to Google, Wikipedia, Facebook, YouTube, email, cell phones, text messages, and so on. A
> cherubim with a flaming sword is expelling us from the office cubicle of Eden, or would be if he could tear us away from the
> Internet. (And you, young man in the reading audience, take those ear buds out when your elders are addressing you!)
>
> 3. Youth. Talk about worshiping false gods; why would anyone pray--or pay!--for youthfulness? The young are spotty, sweaty,
> chowder-headed, and woefully lacking in wisdom, experience, or control over anything, especially themselves. Yet we bear witness to
> the eternally babyish baby boom. Men in their sixties are on Harleys and snowboards and basketball courts, from which they will
> proceed to damnation by way of the emergency room. The women go to and fro in the earth, mutton dressed as lamb, with liposuction
> well-applied to tummy, butt, and brain. And they all come to Mass, when at all, in shorts, T-shirts, and shower flip-flops.
>
> 4. Authenticity. Please do your best to be someone better than who you truly are. Deep down inside we're ravening beasts. This is
> the meaning of original sin. Everyone's authentic self is horrid. God's message to man has always been, "You can't really be good,
> but you can fake it. Really."
>
> 5. Caring. This takes so much time and effort that it necessarily results in the opposite of doing something. And notice that when
> someone says, "I care about the war in Iraq," he almost always means, "I want to lose it." Also there's a bullying logic among those
> who care. I care more about diddledydum than you do. Therefore I'm a better person than you are. Because I'm a better person than
> you are, I have the right to order you around. And vote for Hillary on November 4th.
>
> 6. Opinion. It's the reverse of fact. Listen to NPR or AM Talk Radio if you don't believe me, or, better yet, read the opinion page
> of the New York Times. (I'm talking about you, Paul Krugman.) Some people have facts, these can be proven. Some people have
> theories, these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it. The 11th Commandment
> is, "Thou shalt not blog."
>
> 7. To Spend More Time With the Family. Alas, I couldn't get this into a single descriptive term, but it might as well be all one
> word. And when people say it we know that they've been doing something at least as bad as the former governor of New Jersey, his
> wife, their chauffeur, and Eliot Spitzer in a hot tub together. "We need to move on," is a similar phrase but with the implication
> of, "And I won't quit doing it until I'm actually behind bars."
>
> No doubt our venial sins could use a do-over as well, but my sanctimoniousness reserves are nearly exhausted. Nonetheless I'll wager
> that one of those venial sins is blowing neo-lefty stink bombs out your bishop's miter.
>
> P.J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to THE WEEKLY STANDARD.