<
Please note that I'm ALIVE AND WELL and not dead yet.
<
All those News Bulletins yesterday about my sudden passing were
slightly exaggerated.
<
You can be sure, when I see Nurse Ratched, I'm going
to grab her around the neck, just like Jack Nicholson
did when he tried to choke her in in "One Flew Over..."
<
===============================
===============================
<
THIS IS WHAT THE BASTARD WROTE...
<
This is Nurse Ratched and, believe me, I've had
one HORRIBLE night.
<
Ed Conrad died at 4:20 this morning and, quite
frankly, he was a raving lunatic before he finally
packed it in.
<
I've already phoned the Obit Desk at the New
york Times, Philadelphia Inquirer and Hazleton
Standard-Speaker but, personally, I don't think
they give two shits. I doubt they'll even mention
him in one line of agate.
<
Anyway, out of courtesy to the rotten, sarcastic
SOB who has long made a mockery of our most
revered institutions, I'm about to push the
send his very last nasty Internet message.
<
============
<
ED CONRAD'S LAST WILL & TESTAMENT
<
Ed's dead, you said!
I hope it's true.
It's time for celebration
He's squeezed our balls
'Til black and blue
And I've run out of medication.
<
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d4/Scrotum_by_David_Shankbone.jp...
<
Man-like Whale May Be Our Missing Link
http://www.edconrad.com/pics/SaveTheWhale.jpg
<
=========================
=========================
<
Actually, I was laying there on a cold slab in the embalming room --
dressed like a new-born babe --
when an alert attendant noticed my blue lips
quivering from the freakin' Ice House they had
me in.
<
Only then did he realize I was STILL ALIVE.
<
May I state emphatically that I'm very happy to be back among the
living and I will continue to fire cannonballs
at evolutionists, corrupt scientists and scientific institutions as
well as deep-=pocket politicians.
<
They include brain-dead opposition to my discovery
of petrified remains -- SOME HUMAN -- between coal veins, and the
deceit, deception, collusion and conspiracy that surrounds us,
including the REAL
terrorists responsible for 911,
<
Meanwhile, during my brief stay on The Other Side,
I have to say I received quite an education.
<
For one thing, I've learned that God doesn't give
damn about our "sins." Actually, He had forgiven
us for everything we do, even before we were
even born.
<
But, make no mistake, we WILL be judged in the hereafter for the evil
we do -- but NOT by God. Instead, we'll be judged by our fellow man,
the people we dealt with while in our physical existence.
<
I also learned that NOBODY burns in Hell. The real
hell is being ostracized by those you knew so well
on earth, especially members of your own family,
who will be aware that you gave -- or tried to give
-- them a good screwing.
<
Consequently, they won't allow you to get anywhere
near them on The Other Side and, often, the pain will
be a lot worse than hell, especially when you're
shunned by members of your own family,
<
I've also learned that Heaven IS NOT a place of incredible splendor
and The Big Boss is almost never
close by. See, He's smart enough to know we'd figure he'd be looking
over our shoulder all the time, so we'd always be as nervous as a cat
out of fear of doing something wrong.
<
Heaven actually is being in the company of your loved
ones -- your grandmas and grandpas, moms and dads, brothers and
sisters, kids and grandkids. Also, there will be other loving people
there -- your dear friends, your pleasant co-workers, even the
friendly neighbors down the street whose last name you might not even
have known.
<
The list will include all those whose company you
enjoyed and who made you content, happy and comfortable during your
short stay on earth.
<
Heaven is NOT some golden castle high in the sky.
But it certainly will be A LOT BETTER than you
ever dreamed it could be.
<
==========================
<
> PROOF OF LIFE AFTER DEATH
> Life Doesn't End When We "Die"
> MAN AS OLD AS COAL
> A Revolution in Evolution
> SOME NEWSPAPERS IN CANADA
Brandon Sun, The
Brantford Expositor, The (Brantford, Ontario)
Brockville Recorder and Times
Calgary Herald (Calgary, Alberta)
Calgary Sun, The
Canada.com
Canada NewsWire (Ontario, Mississauga)
Canadian Press and Broadcast News
Canoe - "Canadian Online Explorer"
Cape Breton Post (Sydney, Nova Scotia)
Cranbrook Daily Townsman (Cranbrook, British Columbia)
Daily Gleaner Online (Fredericton, New Brunswick)
Daily Graphic (Portage La Prairie)
Daily Herald Tribune (Grande Prairie, Alberta)
Daily Miner & News (Kenora)
Le Devoir (Quebec, Montreal)
LeDroit (Ontario, Ottawa) (French)
Edmonton Journal (Edmonton, Alberta)
Edmonton Sun, The
eye Weekly (Ontario, Toronto)
First Perspective (Manitoba, Scanterbury)
Fort McMurray Today
Gazette, The (Montreal)
Gazette, The (Ontario, London)
Globe and Mail (Toronto, Ontario)
Halifax Herald Ltd. (Halifax, Nova Scotia)
Hamilton Spectator (Hamilton, Ontario)
Le Soleil (Quebec City) (French)
Lakeshore Advance (Grand Bend, Ontario)
Kamloops Daily News (Kamloops, British Columbia)
Kingston Whig Standard (Kingston, Ontario)
Kitchener-Waterloo Record, The (Kitchener-Waterloo, Ontario)
La Tribune, Sherbrooke (French)
Le Matin (Quebec) (French)
Le Quotidien (French)
London Free Press (London, Ontario)
Merritt Herald (Merritt, British Columbia)
Muse, The (Newfoundland)
National Post
New Brunswick Times & Journal (New Brunswick)
New Winnipeg (Winnipeg)
Niagara Falls Review (Ontario, Niagara Falls)
North Shore News (Vancouver, British Columbia)
Nunatsiaq News, The (Iqaluit)
Oliver Chronicle (Oliver, British Columbia)
Ottawa Citizen Online (Ottawa, Ontario)
Ottawa Sun, The
Owen Sound Sun Times (Owen Sound)
Peterborough Examiner (Peterborough)
Plan? Qu?c (Quebec) (French)
Prince George Citizen
Prince Rupert Daily News (Prince Rupert, British Columbia)
Quebec Chronicle-Telegraph, The (Quebec)
Record, The (British Columbia, Gold River)
Regina Leader-Post
Saint John Telegraph Journal (Saint John)
Sault Star, The (Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario)
Telegram, The (Newfoundland, St. John's)
Timmins Daily Press, The (Timmins, Ontario)
Toronto Star (Ontario, Toronto)
Toronto Sun (Ontario, Toronto)
Vancouver Province (Vancouver, British Columbia)
Vancouver Sun (Vancouver, British Columbia)
Western Producer (Saskatoon)
Windsor Star [Windsor, Ontario]
Winnipeg Free Press (Winnipeg, Manitoba)
Whistler Pique Newsmagazine (Whistler)
<
> A FEW NEWSPAPERS IN MEXICO
Cambio de Michoacan (Michoacan)
La Chronica de Hoy
Diario de Chihuahua (Chihuahua, Chihuahua)
EL Diario de Yucatan (Merida)
El Informador (Guadalajara)
El Informador (Jalisco, Guadalajara)
El Siglo de Torreon (Torre??Coah)
Excelsior
La Jornada (Mexico City)
El Norte
El Sur de Campeche
Reforma
Tribuna de Campeche
Universal
<
> A FEW NEWSPAPERS IN AUSTRALIA
Age, The (Victoria, Melbourne)
Australian Financial Review (Sydney)
Australian, The (Sydney)
Border Mail, The (New South Wales, Albury)
Bryon Shire Echo, The (New South Wales, Byron Bay)
Canberra Times (Canberra)
Courier Mall (Queensland)
Cumberland Newspapers
Daily Telegraph (New South Wales)
Gold Coast Bulletin, The (Queensland)
Herald Sun (Melbourne)
Mercury, The (Tasmania, Hobart)
Sunday Herald Sun (Melbourne)
Sunday Mail, The (Queensland)
Sunday Times, The
Sunday Tasmanian, The (Tasmania, Hobart)
Sydney Morning Herald Sun (Sydney)
Warrnambool Standard (Victoria)
Weekly Times, The (Victoria)
West Australian, The (Western Australia, Perth)
<
> AUSTRALIA
Age, The (Victoria, Melbourne)
Australian Financial Review (Sydney)
Australian, The (Sydney)
Border Mail, The (New South Wales, Albury)
Bryon Shire Echo, The (New South Wales, Byron Bay)
Canberra Times (Canberra)
Courier Mall (Queensland)
Cumberland Newspapers
Daily Telegraph (New South Wales)
Gold Coast Bulletin, The (Queensland)
Herald Sun (Melbourne)
Mercury, The (Tasmania, Hobart)
Sunday Herald Sun (Melbourne)
Sunday Mail, The (Queensland)
Sunday Times, The
Sunday Tasmanian, The (Tasmania, Hobart)
Sydney Morning Herald Sun (Sydney)
Warrnambool Standard (Victoria)
Weekly Times, The (Victoria)
West Australian, The (Western Australia, Perth)
<
> A FEW NEWSPAPERS IN NEW ZEALAND
Allied Press Limited (Dunedin)
InfoTech Weekly Online (Wellington)
New Zealand Herald
NewsRoom (Wellington)
Otago Daily Times (Dunedin)
Press, The (Christchurch City)
Wairarapa Times-Age
Wellington Newspaers / NZ Infotech Weekly
<
> THE ONLY NEWSPAPER IN ANTARCTICA
New South Polar Times
<
SOME WORLD NEWSPAPERS
> JAPAN
Asahi Shimbun / Asahi Evening News (Tokyo)
Chunichi Shimbun, The (Nagoya)
Daily Yomiuri, The (Yomiuri)
European and Pacific Stars and Stripes
Hokkaido Shimbun
Hokkoku Shimbun (Kanazawa City)
Japan Times (Tokyo)
Kyodo News
Kyoto Shimbun
Mainichi Shimbun (Osaka)
Nihon Keizai Shimbun
Toyama Shimbun
Yamanashi Nichinichi
Yomiuri Shimbun (Tokyo)
> CHINA
Apple Daily
Asian Wall Street Journal
China Daily
China News Digest
China News Services
China Online
Guangzhou Morning Post
Hong Kong Commercial Daily
Hong Kong Standard
Inside China Today
Latelinenews
People's Daily
Shanghai Daily
Sing Tao Electronic Daily (Hong Kong)
South China Morning Post (Hong Kong)
Ta Kung Pao
Xinhua News Service
> INDIA
Ananda Vikatan
Andhra Pradesh Times
Asian Age, The
Business Standard
Deccan Chronicle
Deccan Herald
Deepika Daily
Dinamani Tamil Daily
Economic Times, The
Hindu, The
Hindu Business Line, The
Hindustan Times , The
India Daily
India Express
Kaumudi
Naidunia-Indore
News India-Times On the Web
Pioneer, The
Rediff
Statesman, The
Telegraph, The
Times of India, The
Tribune, The
> FRANCE
L'Alsace Journal (Alsace)
Le Bien Public (Bourgogne)
Charente Libre (Charente)
Le Courrier de Mantes (Mantes)
Le Courrier Picard (Picardie)
La D?che du Midi
Dernieres Nouvelles d'Alsace (Alsace)
Les Echos
L'Est R?blicain (Nancy)
Le Figaro (Paris)
France-Amerique (Paris)
International Herald Tribune (English) (Paris)
Le Monde (Paris)
Le Monde Diplomatique (France)
Le Telegramme - Bretagne On Line (Brittany)
Liberation (Paris)
Monaco Actualite (Monaco)
Nice-Matin (Nice)
Le Nouvel Observateur (Paris)
Ouest France (Brittany, Rennes)
Le Parisien (Paris)
Le R?blicain Lorrain (Lorraine, Metz)
Regards (Paris)
Sud Oest (Aquitaine, Bordeaux)
La Tribune (Paris)
Voix du Nord
ITALY
Alto Adige (Bolzano)
Brescia Oggi (Brescia)
Il Centro (Abruzzo, Pescara)
Chiamami Citt?/a> (Rimini)
Corriere del Giorno (Taranto)
Corriere della Sera
Dolomiten
L'Eco di Bergamo (Bergamo)
Il Foglio
Gazzetta de Mantova (Mantova)
Gazzetta di Reggio (Reggio)
Giornale (Bologna)
Internazionale
Il Giornale di Vicenza (Vicenza)
Il Manifesto (Rome)
L'Arena (Verona)
La Nazione (Florence)
Nuova Ferrara (Ferrara)
La Nuova Sardegna (Sassari)
La Nuova Venezia (Venezia)
Il Piccolo di Trieste (Trieste)
La Provincia Pavese (Pavia, Pavia)
La Repubblica
Il Resto del Carlino (Bologna)
La Stampa (Turin)
Il Tirreno (Livorno)
La Tribuna di Treviso (Treviso)
L'Unione Sarda (Cagliari)
