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| Mayan Crystal Skull Apocalypse Theory |
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Group: alt.philosophy · Group Profile
Author: curmudgeoncurmudgeon Date: May 20, 2008 21:45
"Thanatos" mac.com> wrote in message
news:atropos-5F0071.23120720052008@news.giganews.com...
Last night, I watched a television show on the SciFi Channel about Mayan
Crystal Skulls. The Crystal Skulls are a fancy new age phenomenon, and
since they are to be featured in the new Indiana Jones movie, I guess
that SciFi thought it'd be cool if folks wanted to learn about them and
their terrible secrets.
This show, The Mysteries of the Crystal Skulls, was the most amazingly
retarded thing I've ever seen in my life. This is saying something,
because I remember in my youth watching specials about Atlantis and the
Chupacabra and the Tunguska Blast, and none of them were as ridiculous
as this.
The SciFi Channel apparently convened a panel of "experts"-- four
50-year-old men with either a) outlandish beards, or b) that kind of
gray ponytail that you make when your hairline is receding but you grow
the rest of your hair long. They have jobs like, "Author," "Lecturer,"
"Explorer."
These guys provide commentary while Bill Holdman, Man of Action (you
know he's a man of action because the narrator says so, and then they
cut to a scene of Bill Holdman doing karate), chooses locations
APPARENTLY AT RANDOM from the life of a South American explorer from the
1930s, and tries to find more crystal skulls.
The explanations get gradually more insane. The narrator begins by
telling us, "Some scientists don't believe in the power of the crystal
skulls"-- cleverly covering their asses in anticipation of the insane
delusions they're about to foist on us-- "But all the experts we spoke
with believe that the crystal skulls are artifacts of an advanced Mayan
civilization and the general consensus is that there are thirteen
crystal skulls..." That's "the general consensus" of the "experts" that
they spoke with-- not the general consensus of people who know what the
fuck they're talking about.
One of these characters tries to explain the skull and says, "The theory
may sound far-fetched, at first," and this is misleading, because it
implies that the more you hear about it, the LESS far-fetched it will
sound. "But the crystal skulls are made from quartz, which is what we
make our modern microchips from. Imagine how much information is stored
on a microchip-- now, think of how much information could be stored in a
crystal skull." Which is just batshit crazy, because beaches are made
out of quartz, too, and all they store is sand crabs and used heroin
needles.
I wish that was outlandish as it got. But it's not. Somehow, the crystal
skulls have become the lynchpin upon which crazy men hang their nutty
theories.
Here's how it goes: obviously, the thirteen crystal skulls need to be
brought together in order to prevent the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. We
know that catastrophe is coming because the Mayans are actually
descended from the Atlanteans (you can tell, because their ruined port
cities look like old Phoenician port cities), and it was one of the
Mayan apocalypses that destroyed Atlantean civilization. But! Atlantis
was actually a colony from an alien civilization that was spread
throughout the solar system-- a civilization that was ALSO destroyed by
a terrible cataclysm, leaving only the crystal skulls behind as remnants.
And how do we know all this? One of the "experts" used to consult for
NASA (Consult in what field? They don't say. Skullography, maybe). He
believes that CalTech scientists working at Area 51 were able to extract
the secrets of the aliens from a robotic head that they FOUND ON THE
MOON and which resembles the Face on Mars satellite photo.
About an 45 minutes into the show, they actually come back from the
Twilight Zone and do a bit with this little old lady scientist who tells
us about the guy that found the first skull: she says he bought it at an
auction, and she's got the records to prove it. Also, the skull was made
in the 19th century, using a diamond rotary saw, which you can tell if
you look at it under a scanning electron microscope.
Whatever, old lady. Enough with your rationality and common sense.
Three minutes of this, and it's time to get back to Bill Holdman, Man of
Action, as he goes scuba diving (maybe there's another skull
underwater!), spelunking (maybe there's a skull in this cave!), and
hacking through the jungles of Belize (maybe there's a skull in the
jungle!).
Lester Holt-- the narrator-- tries to drive home how important it is
that we find the skulls, because only they can prevent the Mayan
apocalypse. (Whenever he says "apocalypse," they cut to scenes of Bad
Things: volcanoes, earthquakes, tanks pointing their cannons at things,
dead cows covered in flies, etc...) Unfortunately, Bill Holdman, Man of
Action, does not find any of the crystal skulls-- primarily because of
Belize's stupid laws about digging up archaeological sites without a
permit.
I guess this whole thing is just an illustration of how people can
believe some dumb shit. Every piece of information that doesn't involve
the words "records" or "scanning electron microscope" is third-hand--
from a report that a guy made about an experiment on the skull that
someone did at Hewlett-Packard 50 years ago, but it was a secret so
there aren't any other records. Or else from some mission that NASA
undertook in the 1970s, but it was also a secret and the government is
trying to hide it, so don't expect to find any corroboration anywhere.
Also, apparently as long as you say, "according to legends," you can
make any outrageous claims that you want and not have to explain how you
know (you don't even have to say according to which legends, leaving the
average layman to believe that "legends" constitute a single, consistent
body of information that tells us accurately about everything from
Atlantis to the Chupacabra).
What's the point of all this? I guess just that in thousands of years of
human civilization, one thing remains constant: human beings like
believing in things that are retarded.
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