These were responses to junk mail solicitations to my email account.
Me and my wife collaborated on them. Perhaps these would give clues as
to how to deal with similar things in a fun manner.
===========================
Dear Mr Send Earnings:
I checked my letter box today and you still have not paid me. I will
be seeking union advice on this. As there was no "paid mail" in
there. I checked my bank account and noticed that it decreased by 1
cent. I am not sure why I am being taxed for this but my union member
said that I should ask you, because you are my employer. That means
you employ in yers. If you expect me to continue on for yers, then
you should pay yer money. Yep it actually costs money to kerpt yer
staff on and not on yer back. Then my supa dupa union representative
will not get on yer back.
Yer Employ ee(The ee is right now without the "yip")
===========================
Hi there,
Does that mean it would automatically repair itself? I told my car
the other day to, but it didn't listen(Language barriers). Anyway, I
am interested in what car language you use - or is it horse
whispering? Speaking in tongues? If so what shape tongue do I need?
Can I borrow yours(I promise I will send it back)?
Thanks
===========================
Dear Mr Career in healthcare,
Yes I have learn enough to know that you are healthy because you
smiled. What concerns me is that you crossed your arm. Thats bad for
the circulation. It not caring for your health at all. You asked if
my career is healthy and do I care about it. Well, I walked to work
today and I ate an apple. Then I threw it at my boss. Now, i am
concerned about my bosses approach to healthy care about careers
because he threw it back at me! So, i took your advice and said that
it was'nt healthy to do that because he did not eat the apple first.
He then used some language that is not healthy to repeat. He asked me
who told me to do this and I gave them your number, he will ring you
shortly. I will be careful and let you know that he may not be in a
healthy mood.
===========================
Dear Mr Dish,
I have been waiting patiently all day. Nobody came to my door and I
had waited so long that my dishes began to make lots of friends with
flys. I notice that you send the dish network via satelite. I look
up in the sky and yelled politely, "The Dishes need doing". This
raised alrm amongst my neighbours. They are now helping me type this
to you because I am not able to in the attire of a straitjacket. I
need you to ring my new psychiatrist and tell him that the dish
network is real and that they do come from the sattelite. I am also
missing the $19.99. Could you give that to my psychiatrisat as he
cost a lot of money to sit there and look intelligent.
==========================
Dear Dorothy Photo,
I am not sure why you want to cut my photos up by 20%%, but PLEASE dont
do it! As for the Free Shipping, I went to the docks to see if the
ship was free, it could not tell me so it sounds as though they are
still under control. I even asked who was keeping them quiet. It
must be a powerful KGB operation or something because it couldn't even
tell me that. Anyway, what do ships have to do with photos and why
to you want to cut them? You sound really strange and suspicious, so
I reported you to the marine association for giving false
information. I have also sent lots of annoying mail to photographers
warning them that you like cutting photos. So I think you should stop
now while you still can - It can become aN OBSESSION. I knew someone
who started cutting up photos after leaving hert ex and has not
stopped - HANG ON THATS NOT YOU IS IT?
Look I left you because I did not want to have 10 babys and pay off a
morgage. I was nice about it and told you the truth, remember? The
likelyhood of any guy wanting to do that is one in a million!
Anyway, for the fiftyeth million th time - LEAVE ME ALONE!
Ps. You will never get to my photos as I have them securely stored at
the Zurich bank.
==========================
Dear Sir/madem,
i have purchased a used Soviet aircraft carrier, and I am having
trouble paying for repairs. COuld I possibly contact you about
subleasing it to private clients, so that I can financially stay
afloat? Perhaps you could rent out the nuclear missiles and biological
weapons stocks to people who would be interested in such things, and
then we can turn the rest into a floating casino. That way, we will be
making money rather than losing money, and the global economy could
benefit. In the words of a 60th comedian, regarding my grandfather's
friend Verner Von Brown,
"I would not be called hypocritical,
Merely apolitical.
Ze rocket comes up, who cares where it comes down?
It all is ze same, says Verner Von Brown"
While we are at it, would you conceivably consider inviting Osama Bin
Laden for a barbecue with me and my wife and our children? I have a
feeling that all he needs is to be understood, and then ALL HIS POWER
WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Your nuclear hippie friend
===========================
Dear Mr Viagra,
i am formally writing to you to say that mr happy no longer needs you
as mr viagra made mr happy very saad and that was very bad. So mr
happy ask me to write this to you because his owner is very happy with
mr happy all by himself.
========================
Dear God(I think its spelled "God", not "Ghd"),
Why do you want me to do data entry? How is this in the scheme of all
beings? I don't remember praying for a newsletter or a data entry
position. I know its been thousands of years since your last holiday
but maybe if you are getting mixed up with who prayed for what, may be
its time. If not, I am also wondering why you think I'm lazy and want
more money. I contradicts what your son said about you, but then
again I've always wondered whether he was a hippy. I am also offended
that after all of the times I have prayed and you haven't answered.
Then you send me an email. They say that your ways are mysterious.
Not even I could figure the logic of this one. Are you drunk up there
lord? Does Jesus know? I think he would be very upset with you if
you didn't throw him a beer too. Anyway, say hi to michael and tell
him that he still owes me $10 from that near death experience because
I DID survive.
Anyway, email me when you are sober.
========================
Ilya Shambat
http://ibshambat.blogspot.com
