One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of
the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? My
school colors were "clear."

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said,
"Okay, then forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to
be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If God didn't want us to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

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