> I have had the occasion to confront this question directly. A few
> weeks ago I was told I had cancer. The cancer is a neck cancer:
> squamous metastasis with occult primary.
> Although my life will be longer than 7 days It has caused me to
> confront my mortality.
> I have no consolation from any kind of god. If god exists then he has
> made me so that I cannot believe in him. I am a confirmed atheist and
> my forthcoming death will not change this.
> The main trick has been to force myself not to think of cancer in
> every waking moment of my life. Still after 6 weeks "cancer" is the
> first waking thought. It is like a black-dog waiting to eat out my
> insides, he sits deep in my chest and hence everything is made absurd
> except the dog itslef.
> SInce then I have had cancerous tonsil removed, which I am now
> recovering from. At the end of the month I have now to face
> radiotherapy and chemotherapy - every day for 6.5 weeks. This will
> leave me with some permanent consequences to my health, and with no
> guarentee of cure.
> As I now gradually come to terms with my inevitable death I have found
> that "business as usual" is my favoured course. I always used to think
> that in such circumstances I would have a tendency to go wild, spend
> all my cash on pleasures, but no: it now seems clear that I have
> always lived my life in exactly the way I want and now I wish to
> continue in the same way.
> I have less thrifty. I don't worry about spending on some things I
> would otherwise have thought frivolous, and I have not made major
> plans for the future which I now believe may well not exist for me.
> I have always had a reasonably optimistic outlook, now I have
> attempting to re-cultivate that quality which has been so severely
> knocked.
> I have also confirmed with utter clarity the luck and blessing it is
> to be so loved and so cherish my life's-partner. I could not be more
> lucky in this respect - though what hurts me more than anything else
> is the thought of how she will feel when I die.