Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against
abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, huh?
Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're
all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But
once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are
obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that,
they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you.
No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school
lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn,
you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach "military
age". Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been
looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to
be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-
life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What,
they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be
a doctor they just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You
know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman.
They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's
primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women
volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their
uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack
babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you
won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene
and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious
people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration,
didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light
yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little
smoke. To match that fire in your belly.

Here's another question I have: how come when it's us, it's an
abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much
better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we
passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than
chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz chickens are
decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do
you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and
hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken
you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen,
huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human
being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a
human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a
human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a
funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say "we have two
children and one on the way" instead of saying "we have three
children?" People say life begins at conception, I say life began
about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous,
just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along.

And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that.
What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without
carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all
this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-
abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life
begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the
egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says "Gee, honey, I
was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me."
Fertilization.

But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days
before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg
makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are
rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those
delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet
they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people
are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one
period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they
really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted
when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys
who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over
there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and
nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a
name.

Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached
the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against
abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less
abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for
Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to
have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing
them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for
consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics,
when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other
Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and
their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on
minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about
abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in
the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who
took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep
your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said "Suffer the
little children come unto me", that's not what he was talking about!

So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say "Hey. Hey.
If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a
fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no
pension." I tell them "Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all
it is. Bioligical term limits."

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