Van Halen reunites, Second Coming is nigh

It has come to this. The gods of metal did grunt and the thunder did
creak and Poison, Dokken, Def Leppard, Ratt, Whitesnake and the rest of
the '80s quinquagenarian rockers have already wrapped up their various
"reunion" tours of the sundry community theaters, Midwestern county
fairs and shopping malls across this fine nation, so of course now is
the time for the granddaddy of all conflagrations, the Great Reuniting
fans have been waiting for about 20 years, the real Second Coming.

Yes, the original Van Halen, easily the greatest party-metal band of
all time, is finally reuniting (well, most of them) for a summer tour.
Shudder, and hope, and shudder again.

Incredible as this band was in its heyday (and much deserving of
inclusion in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame), you have to admit, the
signs are not encouraging.

David Lee Roth, after a miserable (read: cancelled after four months
for allegedly being a crazed diva nut) stint as a radio personality and
a bizarre turn as a New York paramedic and some sort of crazy-ass thing
where he was last seen doing a kooky bluegrass version of "Jump" on
cable TV (and admittedly looking like he was having a blast doing it),
Roth looks like he's been ready to be permanently installed in the Tiki
Lounge at Caesar's Palace since about 1996.

Eddie Van Halen was last seen hosting a big porn party at his LA
mansion (warning: NSFW), celebrating the release of "upscale" porn
director Michael Ninn's latest, uh, masterpiece, Sacred Sin, for which
Eddie wrote the soundtrack. You think I am making this up. I am not
making this up. Somewhere, Valerie Bertinelli is twitching.

There is danger. There is wary trepidation among the hair-metal
cognoscenti. There is the nervous consideration that this will not be
the slightest bit pretty, given how, first and foremost, time has been
somewhat unkind to Roth, who now looks like a PTA dad and whose voice
was never all that spectacular and which clearly has dropped a few
notches in quality, and worse to Eddie, who's already had one hip
replaced and who battled both alcoholism and mouth cancer (after chain
smoking for his entire life) and now looks like something death dragged
into the kitchen to warm over.

What's more, word is that Eddie's 15-year-old kid Wolfgang will play
bass in place of Michael Anthony, who's only real contribution was
those famous high-range vocal harmonies. Wait, do I know way too much
about this? How sad. I guess I'll have to buy a ticket, just to quell
the demons. Sigh.

On the upside, I suppose it sure as hell beats that rumored Culture
Club reunion tour of Este Lauder department store makeup counters.

Somebody said, "fair warning."

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