i'm reformatting my home server. thought you'd like to know that.
then i'm uploading my home folder only with new shares
the recycle bin functionality removed as it doesn't work from a mac.
so the storage device's harddrive was full - so i'm starting from scratch.
on every level. thought i'd do some data cleaning.

my head is pounding. that's almost constant.
leo and his boys are getting ready to go out
which means blasting rap music
and leaving all the doors open with the A/C on.
i get up and close the doors, he opens them again.

anyway ... man therapy scares the shit out of me.
i thought i was an old pro - i wrote all this pain out.
and yet i cry and cry. exposure for closure
didn't seem to accomplish much so now i'm mental anyway!

it's just different telling someone who is paid to listen.
anyway. back to whore business.

if someone tells you that he has carnal thoughts about you
which inspires an onslaught of carnal thoughts in you,
do you think the original carnal thinker
is sexually indebted to you? or, should you be
grateful that anyone thinks carnal thoughts about you at all?!

i'm grateful. and sexually i seemed to have calmed down a little ... but it
seems like it's because the stomach pain has gotten so much worse. well
because i was determined to eat something every day. i'd splurge and have a
sandwich. it was anarchy! or i'd have two bananas and a plum. insane! i even
had a root beer f'n float. madness. and then - after a few days of just
trying to eat a little more - the pain got so much worse.

i try listening to ray charles singing "georgia" to calm it down ... an old
sweet song keeps gordie on my mind ... it doesn't work. i try and reason
with my stomach. be fair but firm! tell it to get over itself. quit feeling
sorry for itself and torturing me with its pain. but it won't listen!
fucking stomach!

I NEED A STOMACH PSYCHIC! A TUMMY WHISPERER!
sometimes i want to guzzle whiskey to give it something to cry about.
but i eat ... and it tortures me. well it tortures me when i don't eat, too,
but after i eat, my bowels get messed in with the whole thing and then it's
double the pain.

anyway. shut up! (i say that to myself so many times in a day even though
you'd never know it.)

anyway. back to my study of the obviously inferior male.
really? you think they suck, too?
or maybe they're all just inferior compared to me!
works for me ...

okay something else i was wrong about.

see ... i thought Man had this need to dominate women for these reasons:

1. because they could. early man could beat a bitch into submission.

that factor's huge - because it determined an assumption. men would rule
through brute strength.

eventually, the most brutal men were the best liars so they ended up in
power to get others to do their killing. then they decided if you were born
to a certain person, that god picked you to rule or starve. armies carry out
the brute force now. well there are more people to kill on earth right now
than ever! such exciting times.

digression: one day in therapy, the one manic lady was in the lunch room and
everyone was talking and it was lively and so nice, but she goes to the
guys, "but seriously, how can you guys defend your sex? men fill the
prisons. women don't drive planes into buildings." the men don't want to
hear it - they're not like that so of course we can ignore some really
sex-specific problems that seem to plague men more - like violence. men are
so WEAK.

but i couldn't believe that i heard her say that because i said the exact
same in a column saying men were stupid assholes who still haven't learned
how to articulate their insecurities and frustrations and so they turn to
force. but i'm paraphrasing myself.

america was founded by force. sometimes it seems so simple that the way to
win over a country to democracy would be by installing cable,
air-conditioning and give them all some money. which would cost about the
same. give the kids new shoes. build some schools. take care of them instead
of killing them. that won't solve the muslim extremist problem but either
does war.

anyway - so man/woman was decided by the physical advantage of the male. but
now we live in a world where a woman can have an economic advantage which
means we can shoot some bastard when he comes for us. in the leg, of course.

back to men dominating women and how we think because of it:

so men simply could dominate women 'cause they were stronger, but the reason
they did it, to me, was sexual. i imagine pre-cognitive hominid men would
respond to an erection by expecting immediate gratification. i mean if the
dick calls, it's like having to pee. you just do it. i'm thinking the women
weren't digging it.

well once when leo was little, we were watching the nature channel about
dogs and showed them "reproducing." and leo was horrified - the female dog
was trying to run but the male dog had his front legs clutching her and
putting it to her and leo turns to me so upset and says, "the boy dog is
raping the girl dog." and that is what it looks like. the female dog is
trying to get the hell away.

and of course men went out to hunt and the women had to stay with the kids
to nurse them. so the men used their strength to also feed the dames - but
to me that's another trick of dominance. the dames needed the men to provide
food.

of course there are examples of matriarchs so there are so many variations
of human interaction. it's the trickiest business in the world.

but how does this relate to my evil luv nest?

i thought that if i would utterly surrendered
myself sexually to a man
that his basic need to dominate me
would be satisfied and then he wouldn't need to tell me what to do.

is this funny, jim ya bastard!?

it was a hypothesis that has proved invalid with the prison guard.
but he is the most dominating man i've kissed -
even though i was in fact the major aggressor that night,
i thought if i made him feel totally masculine,
even bring out the man in him - encourage it -
but i thought he could feel like a man
and have a lot of confidence in himself sexually
then he would treat me in some precious way
and just be so pleased with me that it's all he would think about.
not barking out stupid bullshit about how i'm supposed to act.

but i think i'm gonna get what i want.

oh my god what if i know when any man's chapter has reached an end?
i could look at all break-ups like that and it makes it all seem ... easier.

oh and the other thing ... i can't pretend anything.
i didn't act a certain way to set this up.
i just told the truth.

but i've already argued with him so much,
that i think he knows i'm not the little misses.
and he doesn't want one. and yet i am a great mom
and his kids need one. i would solve so many problems.
and create so many for me.
so okay i'm selfish but no, i'm not taking that on.

and he has tricks to try and get me over there.
seriously. and he thinks i don't see these things as tricks.

and tim - i laid him out. i said that not being able to see me
was the stupidest thing i ever heard in the world
and his shit was played and explained how.

so he writes back - he's busy nursing hangovers
or being really angry. but see, when i was around
the anger did not rear it's ugly head
because he was genuinely happy with me in the room.

but once i'd leave, his misery self kicks in.
anyway whatever i said worked!
so i'll be going to see him when i have a free weekend.
it'll be like a month.

god ... october 1st. return to work.
it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
but i will ease into it.

let's move on ...

i wonder who first thought of oral sex?
i imagine someone with a keen nose ...

who was the idiot who said god would disapprove?
a man! imagine! no harlots, no head.
they still did it.

but really - why can't the prison guard let me have a moment's peace?
and if he found out i was going to be hanging out
with another man next weekend ... he'd be pissed
but not allowed to be pissed because those are the rules.

i don't think it's any of his f'n business.
he doesn't have the deed to my pussay.
(i like saying it with the A sound accented)

i got little cloth rollers for my hair that you can sleep wearing
and my hair is so curl-licious!

tried to impress the new therapist!

anyway. i am so weary ... it sucks.
i'm going to take my nighttime meds at ten
so i can get up early.

i just told leo and his friends that morning comes at 8!
leo gave me $1,000 bucks. god love him.
he's supporting me right now - can you imagine!

i wrote to my boss. he never responded.
i bet he's scared - he'll send my email to the HR people.
but they can't fire me while i'm out.
so at least i don't have to worry about that.

and they need me so he better shut the heck up!

oh man ... the southern man ... i think he's really looking forward to
meeting me.
i think he already figures that we'll ... you know.
agh he scares me! why can't he just behave so i don't have to?
i'm gonna ask that a lot i imagine.

MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD.

see that's what's making me so weak.
i think i could handle this fine if the terror
didn't incite a riot in my tummy.

this blows. i'm bored with myself.