Your Birthday Today
Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this
by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.

Aries March 21 - April 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking
problem are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you
wish someone had told you what the question was.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that
you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though
to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the
same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.