Your Birthday Today
Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this
by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.

Aries March 21 - April 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking
problem are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you
wish someone had told you what the question was.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that
you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though
to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the
same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and
shameful moments are released straight to DVD.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know
about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common
office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a
hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so
great.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly
to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest
reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down
your ex-girlfriend.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be
flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

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