> I keep flashing back to childhood memories that I don't remember
> having. They have really been troubling me for some time. It is kind
> of like a archetypal garden of eden, adam & eve memory. I remember
> waking up one night and creeping quitely upstairs when I heard a man
> yelling at my father. He was dressed in a dark suit, and carried a
> briefcase. He said it was about a fire... but I don't remember there
> ever being a fire.. A fire he said I started. I felt like it was a
> metaphor. I'm remembering now that the man wasn't an official.. And
> my mother was in bed.. She still has the same dream. He was a
> criminal.. He yelled at me to go back to bed, my mother slept through
> it. The next day my dad had a stroke, and went to he hospital.. He
> wasn't ever the same, and couldn't talk after that.
>
> Tonight I had another flashback, remembering my dad talking to me
> about his Will, and the home we owned. He told me that if I didn't
> Fuck Up Again, I would be taken care of.. After that, my whole life
> changed. I must have been 13. We used to live in a big castle, out
> in the middle of the most beautiful nature preserve. Native Americans
> would come and hold sweat lodges every week, and they would come from
> all around. After he had the stroke I wanted to help him, and I took
> the Avatar course. He didn't get better but I woke up. We created a
> miracle during the 2 weeks I studied with a Wizard from Canada. He
> was really interested in Avatar towards the end, and I don't know how
> he got into it. I did the resurfacing workshop on my own first.
>
> Then we moved into town with him, and we cared for him in a smaller
> house. He had to go into the nursing home, and I never visited him.
> I think I only did a few times, because I met a girl in high school,
> who didn't even like me. But I was so innocent I let her boyfriend
> live with me. The both of us went crazy on LSD.. And I wound up in a
> mental hospital. It wasn't the first time I took LSD either. Right
> before we moved, all my friends were on it, and they gave me some that
> nearly gave me a stroke. I almost died. A fire did start at my best
> friends house too, when we were playing with toys.. but it couldn't
> have to do with these phantom memories. My mother only remembers her
> dreams. Something else happened.
>
> All any of my friends remember is how I wound up naked, high on drugs
> when I was 14 before they started treating me for mental illness.
> They put me in the hospital again, 2 more times, the last right after
> Sep 11th when I just turned 18. It was only a few months after that
> a boy my age from my highschool went missing, and years later they
> found the body. I was in recovery by then, was working a job, and
> going to schooll.. But fate intervened, and the college is closing
> now. I lost my job, after being crushed when the girl I knew in high
> school, who I loved so much reunited with me again only to tell me she
> hated me.
>
> For a long time I thought the only problems I had were from being
> ugly, and using drugs. But there is so much repressed under the
> surface. The only really scary memory I had growing up, was seeing a
> man shot & bleed to death in the desert on vacation.. At least that
> comes to mind. Now that I'm older I feel like I have to watch my back
> because I try to be of service to the community and report criminals,
> because I don't want people winding up with as many problems as I
> have. The medication I take has terrible side effects that give me
> seizures at night. I had put on so much weight since I started taking
> it too, I look like someone completely different, and all the good
> pictures of myself I had in highschool have dissapeared. Along with
> so many other memories, including my origonal social security card.
>
> Maybe the man in my memories is the Devil, or Death himself... He may
> not even be a human being. I'm not in good condition right now
> either, this medication has me chain smoking myself to death. *cough*
>
> Anyone know anything of these types of flashbacks, or how to make
> sense of them? I don't trust anyone anymore, and have seen first hand
> how easy it is to wind up dead or in the gutters just watching the
> people I know pass on, or turn on me. Even now they wait for the
> chance to strike. Demons! They are real, but we don't see them.