i am having loud inner experiences habitually without noticing it.
it's so intrinsic to daily existence i don't register it as a part of
experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shed the layers of tension.
relax into ultimate formlessness.
waking life is full of pain.
deep sleep is empty of pain.
all pleasure brings pain.
the release from hope and fear
is an ecstacy touching silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm sickened by this i'm scared of that, death surrounds, life
whispers, rage is burning for freedom in this old decaying cage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the brush is art. the tool is art. you are art.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
exhaust. cancel out. integrate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
closer to god.

a nwo emerges from the chaos-matrix.
a flexflow government.
a newmentalorder.
"I" reasserts itself as supreme (the danger).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
oh dear.
there's nowhere to go but life or death, so i stopped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
world.mind.god.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
remove your heart.
don't resist this instruction.

give up on them all.

shut the door.

quit love.
quit hope.
quit her.

cut your wrist.
don't cry.
don't leave a note.
nothing matters.

anger is hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
stop denying your emotions. the anxiety doesn't leave.
find a genuineness... feel through... experience the highs and lows and
explosive neutrals and mature.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
after processing sometimes i still feel a residual pang thinking of the
issue, but can't get worked up after feeling through it enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
little irritations can open to more complex reasons, often connected to
other issues.
so you feel into the details of the particular situation then feel how
it's connected to all these other issues and adds up to a bigger issue.
(breath!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
love.

sacrifice to others.
sacrifice to god.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another nirvana sky
a burning red soul
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
avoidance of the centre.
avoidance of stillness and silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am a mircrocosm of society.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
feeling, thought, and sensation fade into silence.
you go deeper, and the noises get further away.
the only mantra is silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
drop all but awareness.

notice. let go. notice. let go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the party animal people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dear bill
energy is money.
spend it for reality, and refill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
there's a difference between care and control.
saving a persons essence and changing it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
e(nergy)motion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mechanical animal.
i can try to return to identity with the bioemotionalsexual machine but
i'll never completely reidentify and lose mind.
identity has to move beyond both.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the minds higher inclination is to withdraw and seek omega.
the body is a meat puppet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
order. mental. plastic faces. programs. isolation.
emotion. intensity. taste. drama. expression. will.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
running together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i love mental illness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
everyday is horrible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
why move why get up why smoke why eat w hy relate why write why care
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
caught up in the blind rush of reaction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
last straws.

the eyes won't stop leaking
counting the tissues i waste
eating nuts in handfuls of 3
and 3
and 3
is 9
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
giving in.
im losing the effort to keep myself together.
it's inviting but scary to give up restraining insanity retaining
sanity or the vague appearance of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the many manifestations of ocd are an anchor or avoidance of my true
feelings and true state.
it keeps me somewhat secure but prevents dealing with anything truly
living and growing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if i drop it. i am faced w/ith an ocean of held back sensitivity to
feel thru... true calm seems to be found beneath the choppy waves. i
have to process and drop my complexes and live thru my feeling levels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm sick of the dirt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
silence. emotion. rhythm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
liquid architecture.
waves w/ithout much plucking.
moving. flow.
no real impact.
and all (plucking) a part of the flow.
echo. smear. scramble and scatter. stream.
curves vs. angles.
ethereal.
no material source.
energy motion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's hard to hear with a gun in muh ear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you seek the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
but can you end without finishing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the world runs thru the river, smoothing our edges.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm at a party
i'm at a party
people are looking \at me with their funny faces hardwired for fun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the self-broadcasting commission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hedonist gluttony with a sprinkling of charity (she's sweet like
plastic)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
traces of me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
breaking
dancing
power
love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
all there is before me.

sensation. thought. feeling (physical to subtle).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in motion. process-experience.

image. event. nothing.
what is experience?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mind gone world gone
seeing colour hearing sound
liquid displays of emotion and illusory architecture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the robot. the artist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fucking ANalysis analysis
burn
ruin. you ruined it again.
your fucking patchworld logic chaos.
burn.

VOMIT THIS SICKENING WORLD OUT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
listen. listen properly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"you outyou'd you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mind.

theatre. lab. studio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
deeper creativity. deeper listening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
stealing from dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
contraction. expansion.
expanding contractions.

attachment. flowfeelings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
listen. understand.

love plucks and hate stomps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ocd.
the princess and the pea, in hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cooking potatoes

"I don't wanna be part of the quality that falls apart these days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dad.

you lie.
you deny your lie. (without even checking!!)
you snarl like an animal (like blind instinct)
glazy acid in your eyes (against me)
you're never culpable
it's you i despise (beast-thing)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nobody touch my mind. keep your hands out of my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fool me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
open your ribcage.
heart in a birdcage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the blood is paint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
jungleboy wildchild.
emotionalism may at first be a bit childish but gives a chance to
emotionally mature.
school neglects and then programs over that as do many parental-role
fetishists trying to grow you up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
eden
"all the students were nice, healthy, expressive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so i have to make up for forgotten feeling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
can seem to be counterproductive but the intensities get processed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want to see how MOTION and INTENTION arise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thoughts tend to get loose and aimless when physically inactive too
long.
exercise and involvement (and salt) brings you and your thoughts back
to a track.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and touch and massage and sex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lightening never strikes
in the same place twice

"can I use that?" "go ahead, i Iint gonna use it again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you want to destroy everything
what do you want to be left with?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
burning piano.
"delicious like murder."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i can't surely or completely concieve IT in my CURRENT state.
let it come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want all of me

i have to be how i look, or integrate it.
i have to be how i think, or integrate it.
i have to be like others, or integrate it.
i have to be the social status i have, or integrate it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
reductionism. repulsion. integration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i realized that all i want to be is all of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the beautiful monster resurrection.

shatterism overcome in city-web glory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the "burning desire to end the show" gives way to an approach of
transcend + include... all for oneness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"love is the most precious thing you can lose."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
explore and evolve self.
explore and evolve technique.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I shall settle my feet upon the heads of my generation
and then tell them to climb"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's all art.
what did you think it was?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
twinklebell is tinkering with the train tracks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am a magnet stirring the lightening out of your soul."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
give your pain a purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if you're going to be it be it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you can pursue me if you like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do but I'm trying to escape the cliche.
how can I say I love you, so you hear it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
she loves me.
you see me and ask for the opposite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
right turn. don't rush the script now.
i think i have realized my one-true you know what.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
falling through a neon lollipop vortex
into the glittering velvet of dark space
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
soul stars in vast empty space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
space dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
terrestrial initiation of the electric space christ.

earth. technology rocket. the vortex. the star. the nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~