> Larry Craig is not Gay-He Has Restless Crotch Syndrome
> By Doug Giles
> Sunday, September 2, 2007
>
> As all of you know by now, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was busted several
> weeks ago for attempting to get his summer groove on with a Minnesota
> Serpico in a Minneapolis airport toilet. Yes, it appears that Larry tried to
> get a party started by playing footsie with an undercover cop who was trying
> to offload a chimichanga he just had for lunch.
>
> I guess Justin Timberlake isn't the only one trying to bring sexy back.
>
> I have a question for the homosexual community: is this a normal gay
> thing.the.uh.toilet sex? Help me out, those in the know, are the urges that
> crazy and intense? Can't they just wait until they get back to their Miata
> or a Motel 6 and resist the urge to do the funky monkey in a nasty public
> lavatory?
>
> Hasn't the gay community watched Seinfeld and (with the rest of us) become
> germaphobes? I thought that you guys were, on the whole, persnickety and
> would be too fastidious to seek fulfillment in a stinking john. However, I
> just remembered that one of your sources of inspiration is George Michael
> so.never mind.
>
> You know, as much as this situation sucks for Craig, he had better thank God
> that he hit on a cop and not a redneck. If someone tried to rub my foot and
> give me elaborate Boy George hand signals while I'm bilging in the stall
> next door, I would:
>
> A). crush his metatarsals like Queen Latifah on a live cockroach,
>
> B). drain my bladder in the shoe housing his newly-crushed foot,
>
> C). proceed to stuff his balding head in the toilet he was using, and.
>
> D). call the cops to haul his near-drowned, lesson-learned, badly-beaten
> body to the nearest police department.
>
> The thing that slays me is that after Craig said "I'm guilty" of harassing a
> cop with complex foot and hand signals like some nutty, gay third base coach
> trying to wave a runner in, he did a 180 and said "I'm not guilty" and "I'm
> not gay." In addition, he stated during his freak-out press conference this
> week that Scarlett Johansson is not hot, Woody Allen has great hair, and
> that he was the real fifth Beatle.
>
> Look, Larry, none of us are buying the not guilty and not gay claims. If you
> want the GP to believe your nonsense, what you need to do is invent some
> malady to blame for your behavior. Our dysfunctional and therapeutic
> community will buy that horse crap, and I guarantee that a drug company will
> create a pill for your fabricated pain.
>
> Howzabout something like this: you're a victim of RCS (Restless Crotch
> Syndrome). That's it! Think about it. You have an illness that made you try
> to crawl into another guy's stall. Are you smelling what I'm cooking? It's
> not your fault; you never would have violated the cop's space if you had had
> some Horndoginex. Whew! What a weight off your shoulders! You owe me money
> for that one, LC.
>
> Seriously folks, why can't anyone just say that they're guilty and deserve
> whatever whipping comes their way when they're caught red-handed doing
> stupid, stupid stuff? I know every sinful and dumb thing that I have done,
> regardless of the extenuating circumstances, has ultimately been my fault,
> except for the other day when a really slow driver was making me late for an
> appointment and caused me to blow through a red light onto the sidewalk and
> crush seven cats. That was grandma's fault officer, not mine.
>
> Whatever happened to good old-fashioned "I suck, please forgive me God"
> repentance? Listen to me Larry: don't be an OJ; he's a pariah who will live
> on in infamy. Be thou the penitent one and own whatever you have done, dude.
>
> To heck with public opinion and what people will think. Focus rather on the
> inevitable mano-a-mano that you will one day have with God (and He can't be
> buffaloed). Let that pending appointment guide thee to get real with
> yourself, your family, and the public. Sure you might lose face with some
> folks (you already have), and yes your career will, ironically, go down the
> toilet (it already has), but at least you will have a clean conscience
> before God and some public respect for owning it when you have blown it.
>
> Doug Giles' new book "10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People: The
> Successful Loser's Guide to Life" is now available. Doug's award winning
> talk show and video blog can be seen and heard atwww.ClashRadio.com.