> i am having loud inner experiences habitually without noticing it.
> it's so intrinsic to daily existence i don't register it as a part of
> experience.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> shed the layers of tension.
> relax into ultimate formlessness.
> waking life is full of pain.
> deep sleep is empty of pain.
> all pleasure brings pain.
> the release from hope and fear
> is an ecstacy touching silence.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i'm sickened by this i'm scared of that, death surrounds, life
> whispers, rage is burning for freedom in this old decaying cage.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the brush is art. the tool is art. you are art.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> exhaust. cancel out. integrate.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> closer to god.
>
> a nwo emerges from the chaos-matrix.
> a flexflow government.
> a newmentalorder.
> "I" reasserts itself as supreme (the danger).
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> oh dear.
> there's nowhere to go but life or death, so i stopped.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> world.mind.god.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> remove your heart.
> don't resist this instruction.
>
> give up on them all.
>
> shut the door.
>
> quit love.
> quit hope.
> quit her.
>
> cut your wrist.
> don't cry.
> don't leave a note.
> nothing matters.
>
> anger is hope.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> stop denying your emotions. the anxiety doesn't leave.
> find a genuineness... feel through... experience the highs and lows and
> explosive neutrals and mature.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> after processing sometimes i still feel a residual pang thinking of the
> issue, but can't get worked up after feeling through it enough.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> little irritations can open to more complex reasons, often connected to
> other issues.
> so you feel into the details of the particular situation then feel how
> it's connected to all these other issues and adds up to a bigger issue.
> (breath!)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> love.
>
> sacrifice to others.
> sacrifice to god.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> another nirvana sky
> a burning red soul
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> avoidance of the centre.
> avoidance of stillness and silence.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i am a mircrocosm of society.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> feeling, thought, and sensation fade into silence.
> you go deeper, and the noises get further away.
> the only mantra is silence.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> drop all but awareness.
>
> notice. let go. notice. let go.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the party animal people.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> dear bill
> energy is money.
> spend it for reality, and refill.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> there's a difference between care and control.
> saving a persons essence and changing it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> e(nergy)motion.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> mechanical animal.
> i can try to return to identity with the bioemotionalsexual machine but
> i'll never completely reidentify and lose mind.
> identity has to move beyond both.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the minds higher inclination is to withdraw and seek omega.
> the body is a meat puppet.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> order. mental. plastic faces. programs. isolation.
> emotion. intensity. taste. drama. expression. will.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> running together.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i love mental illness.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> everyday is horrible.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> why move why get up why smoke why eat w hy relate why write why care
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> caught up in the blind rush of reaction.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> last straws.
>
> the eyes won't stop leaking
> counting the tissues i waste
> eating nuts in handfuls of 3
> and 3
> and 3
> is 9
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> giving in.
> im losing the effort to keep myself together.
> it's inviting but scary to give up restraining insanity retaining
> sanity or the vague appearance of it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the many manifestations of ocd are an anchor or avoidance of my true
> feelings and true state.
> it keeps me somewhat secure but prevents dealing with anything truly
> living and growing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> if i drop it. i am faced w/ith an ocean of held back sensitivity to
> feel thru... true calm seems to be found beneath the choppy waves. i
> have to process and drop my complexes and live thru my feeling levels.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i'm sick of the dirt.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> silence. emotion. rhythm.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> liquid architecture.
> waves w/ithout much plucking.
> moving. flow.
> no real impact.
> and all (plucking) a part of the flow.
> echo. smear. scramble and scatter. stream.
> curves vs. angles.
> ethereal.
> no material source.
> energy motion.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> it's hard to hear with a gun in muh ear.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> you seek the end.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> but can you end without finishing?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the world runs thru the river, smoothing our edges.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i'm at a party
> i'm at a party
> people are looking \at me with their funny faces hardwired for fun
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the self-broadcasting commission.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> hedonist gluttony with a sprinkling of charity (she's sweet like
> plastic)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> traces of me
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> breaking
> dancing
> power
> love
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> all there is before me.
>
> sensation. thought. feeling (physical to subtle).
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> in motion. process-experience.
>
> image. event. nothing.
> what is experience?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> mind gone world gone
> seeing colour hearing sound
> liquid displays of emotion and illusory architecture
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the robot. the artist.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Fucking ANalysis analysis
> burn
> ruin. you ruined it again.
> your fucking patchworld logic chaos.
> burn.
>
> VOMIT THIS SICKENING WORLD OUT.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> listen. listen properly.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "you outyou'd you!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> mind.
>
> theatre. lab. studio.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> deeper creativity. deeper listening.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> stealing from dreams.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> contraction. expansion.
> expanding contractions.
>
> attachment. flowfeelings.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> listen. understand.
>
> love plucks and hate stomps.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ocd.
> the princess and the pea, in hell.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> cooking potatoes
>
> "I don't wanna be part of the quality that falls apart these days."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> dad.
>
> you lie.
> you deny your lie. (without even checking!!)
> you snarl like an animal (like blind instinct)
> glazy acid in your eyes (against me)
> you're never culpable
> it's you i despise (beast-thing)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> nobody touch my mind. keep your hands out of my head.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> fool me.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> open your ribcage.
> heart in a birdcage.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the blood is paint.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> jungleboy wildchild.
> emotionalism may at first be a bit childish but gives a chance to
> emotionally mature.
> school neglects and then programs over that as do many parental-role
> fetishists trying to grow you up.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> eden
> "all the students were nice, healthy, expressive."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> so i have to make up for forgotten feeling.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> can seem to be counterproductive but the intensities get processed.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i want to see how MOTION and INTENTION arise.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> thoughts tend to get loose and aimless when physically inactive too
> long.
> exercise and involvement (and salt) brings you and your thoughts back
> to a track.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> and touch and massage and sex.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> lightening never strikes
> in the same place twice
>
> "can I use that?" "go ahead, i Iint gonna use it again."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> if you want to destroy everything
> what do you want to be left with?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> burning piano.
> "delicious like murder."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i can't surely or completely concieve IT in my CURRENT state.
> let it come.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i want all of me
>
> i have to be how i look, or integrate it.
> i have to be how i think, or integrate it.
> i have to be like others, or integrate it.
> i have to be the social status i have, or integrate it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> reductionism. repulsion. integration.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> i realized that all i want to be is all of me.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the beautiful monster resurrection.
>
> shatterism overcome in city-web glory
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> the "burning desire to end the show" gives way to an approach of
> transcend + include... all for oneness.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "love is the most precious thing you can lose."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> explore and evolve self.
> explore and evolve technique.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "I shall settle my feet upon the heads of my generation
> and then tell them to climb"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> it's all art.
> what did you think it was?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> twinklebell is tinkering with the train tracks
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "I am a magnet stirring the lightening out of your soul."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> give your pain a purpose.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> if you're going to be it be it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> you can pursue me if you like.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I do but I'm trying to escape the cliche.
> how can I say I love you, so you hear it.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> she loves me.
> you see me and ask for the opposite.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> right turn. don't rush the script now.
> i think i have realized my one-true you know what.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> falling through a neon lollipop vortex
> into the glittering velvet of dark space
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> soul stars in vast empty space.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> space dreams.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> terrestrial initiation of the electric space christ.
>
> earth. technology rocket. the vortex. the star. the nothing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~