In the last chapter it was discussed how emotions that are made
inaccessible (screened off) are not available for us to use when we
need them, but that they can leak out when we are tired, or drunk or
stressed, in an uncontrolled manner. In this chapter we go back to
looking at how unconscious attraction works on the principle of like =
like, with partners having similar emotions behind the screen, and we
start to look at the different types of marriages this leads to.

John: ...So they're attracted by what they're allowed to see in front
of the screen.

Robin: Yes, because they see there all the qualities, the emotional
attitudes, that they've been brought up to approve and admire. And
better than that, because their partner so obviously hasn't got the
kinds of feelings that are screened off in their families and
themselves. Best of all, the partner thoroughly disapproves of such
feelings, too!

John: Whereas, so far as the screened-off parts are concerned ...
well, they've been taught by their families not to notice them! So
they can't see each other's faults.

Robin: That's how it works. But there's something else going on too.
You see, people usually have a bit of fascination - a mixture of
interest and horror - for the kinds of feelings that have gone behind
the screens. If it's cruelty, they might be drawn to re-read a story
in the papers about torture, while feeling bad about doing so and
hiding from the partner the fact that they're drawn to that kind of
report. If lusty sexual feelings are behind the screen, they might
read the News of the World carefully to agree with each other how
disgusting it is that a paper prints terrible stuff like that. Don't
expect to understand it logically -it's not about thinking, but about
emotion, and all feelings can be contradictory.

John: So you mean, if they just sense for a moment what's behind the
partner's screen, it can add to their fascination?

Robin: Provided it's only a hint of the feelings back there, it can be
exciting, a bit of a 'turn on'. If it was more than a hint, it would
repel. Just as a little whiff of a bad smell has a different effect
from a really powerful dose of it. But it's hard to really understand
what's going on because it's 'double-think' - trying not to let your
left hand know what your right hand's doing.

John: Nevertheless ... why should a whiff of the taboo be so enticing?

Robin: Well ... although we all want to be loved by our families and
not display feelings that upset them, we also have a keen hunger to be
whole, to be complete. When we sense, and are drawn to, the denied
parts behind the screen in our partner, we're really hoping, deep
down, to get back the missing parts of ourselves again.

John: Poetry's loss has been psychiatry's gain, Robin. So we haive the
young couple in love with each other, ardently admiring the goods in
their respective shop windows, valiantly turning a blind eye to their
screened-off faults, and slightly aroused by just a whiff of the
forbidden. But why doesn't this idyllic state ever last?

Robin: Because we can't keep the screens firmly enough down. We can
all keep the screens tightly in place for an evening or a weekend, but
when we start living together, the screened-off parts start showing
through. Gradually our partner can seem ess and less like the one we
married.

John: So, Doctor ... is it a good thing that we fall in love with
people who have screened off the same things that we have? Or should
we go back three hundred years and let our parents pick our spouses?

Robin: Well the good part is that we've both got the same weaknesses,
through no fault of our own, so we can be more understanding of each
other.

John: That's why someone we're in love with seems to 'have our number'
and why we can feel so vulnerable with them, and yet trust them?

Robin: Yes, they seem to understand us, to be aware of our weaknesses,
and yet they seem to accept us. They don't attack us as we're
frightened they may do if we reveal our most intimate feelings. And we
sense, without ever really knowing why, that this is the person who
can instinctively understand us, help us, and perhaps make us more
whole.

John: Well that all adds up. But, and this is the cruncher ...how can
we possibly help each other if we have the same blind spots?

Robin: That's the catch! The extraordinary paradox is that your
partner is exactly the one you can best grow with ... but also the one
you can get most stuck with. Even ... the one you can end up hating
most of all.

John: Here's the $64,000 question then, pundit. What's going to
determine which way it goes?

Robin: It all depends on how much the couple are willing to admit to,
and to look at, what is behind their own screens. The more willing
people are to do that and the more courageous they are about accepting
the discomfort of finding they're different from the idea they have of
themselves, the better chance the couple has of working things out, if
problems arise.

John: ... Why do you qualify that by saying 'if problems arise'?

Robin: Because there's a middle range of marriages which are quite
stable, even if not very exciting, where the partners can rub along
reasonably well without either of them needing to look behind his or
her screen.

Types of marriages .......

John: Can we move on now and look at different kinds of marriages? Is
there any way you can relate the happiness or success of a marriage to
the amount the partners have behind their screens?

Robin: Yes, but not only to that. Their attitude to what is behind the
screen is very important too; it's not just a matter of the amount
there.

John: So how would you describe the happiest marriages?

Robin: Well, both partners are more tolerant of what's behind the
screens - their own and their partner's. They're more prepared to look
behind their screens and to go through the temporary discomfort that
will bring. Consequently they're freer; they lead less restricted
lives, have more fun, avoid getting in a rut, and so grow and develop
more as people.

John: And at the other end of the spectrum?

Robin: At the least happy extreme, both partners have a lot behind
their screens and absolutely refuse to admit there's anything wrong
with them. In fact they're very touchy about the slightest criticism,
the very subtlest mention of their faults.

John: So there's a lot of conflict?

Robin: They fight a lot. Cat and dog.

John: And between these two extremes?

Robin: Well in the middle-range marriages, as we call them, the
partners are in a reasonably happy and stable relationship. But they
don't care to look behind the screens much. In fact they rather back
each other up in keeping all that stuff hidden away. So the marriages
are quite secure but the price that the partners pay is that they get
in a bit of a rut. Their options are rather limited. In fact, you
could say that they defend each other too much against criticism which
might be helpful in freeing them from any ruts they do get in.

John: I'd like to know more specifically how some of these
relationships work.

Robin: Well, let's look at typical ones from each part of the
spectrum. What do you want, the good news or the bad news?

John: Let's get the bad news over first.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? ......

Robin To give you a real feeling of what one of these least successful
marriages is like, I suggest you" read this extract from Edward
Albee's play, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? George and Martha are a
middle-aged couple who are almost permanently locked in a bitter and
vicious verbal fight.

Martha Uh ... you make me puke!
George That wasn't a very nice thing to say, Martha.
Martha That wasn't what?
George ... a very nice thing to say.
Martha I like your anger. I think that's what I like about you
most ... your anger. You're such a ... such a simp! You don't
even have the ... the what?...
George ... guts?...
Martha Phrasemaker! Hey, put some more ice in my drink, will you? You
never put any ice in my drink. Why is that, hunh?
George I always put ice in your drink. You eat it, that's all. It's
that habit you have ... chewing your ice cubes ... like a
cocker spaniel. You'll crack your big teeth.
Martha They're my big teeth!
George Some of them ... some of them.
Martha I've got more teeth than you've got.
George Two more.
Martha Well, two more's a lot more.
George I suppose it is. I suppose it's pretty remarkable ...
considering how old you are.
Martha You cut that out! You're not so young yourself.
George I'm six years younger than you are ... I always have
been and I always will be.
Martha Well ... you're going bald.
George So are you. (Pause ... They both laugh) Hello, honey.
Martha Hello. C'mon over here and give your Mommy a big
sloppy kiss.
George Oh ... now ...
Martha I want a big sloppy kiss!
George I don't want to kiss you, Martha. Where are these people? Where
are these people you invited over?
Martha They stayed on to talk to Daddy ... They'll be here
... Why don't you want to kiss me?
George Well, dear, if I kissed you I'd get all excited ... I'd get
beside myself, and I'd take you, by force, right here on the
living-room rug, and then our little guests would walk in, and
... well, just think what your father would say about that.
Martha You pig!
George Oink! Oink!
Martha Ha, ha, ha, HA! Make me another drink ... lover.
George My God, you can swill it down, can't you?
Martha (Imitating a child) I'm firsty.
George Jesus!
Martha Look sweetheart, I can drink you under any goddam
table you want ... so don't worry about me!
George Martha, I gave you the prize years ago ... there isn't
an abomination award going that you ...
Martha I swear ... if you existed I'd divorce you ...
George Well, just stay on your feet, that's all ... These people
are your guests, you know, and ...
Martha I can't even see you ... I haven't been able to see you
for years ...
George ... if you pass out, or throw up, or something ...
Martha ... I mean, you're a blank, a cipher ...
George ... and try to keep your clothes on, too. There aren't many
more sickening sights than you with a couple of drinks in you and your
skirt up over your head, you know ...
Martha ... a zero ...
George ... your heads, I should say ...

John: Well, there are a couple of little truces, moments of affection
when they laugh together, but most of the time they're trying to wipe
each other out, aren't they?

Robin: Yes. It's not just a brilliant play, it's practically a
textbook example for us.

John: Do you often see marriages as destructive as this?

Robin: Oh yes. And sometimes a lot worse too, though the feelings can
be more hidden and the attacks more devious -though not less vicious.

John: So what do you think is actually going on between them?

Robin: Well, George and Martha are both enormously vulnerable. Each of
them has an almost child-like longing for affection. But they've put
that longing behind the screen. They deny it completely; they're quite
unaware of it now, and they've covered it up with a sophisticated
facade.

John: Which is very brittle. Perhaps because their child-like sides
never get the affection they crave?

Robin: That's it. So the 'child' part of themselves is always
frustrated, angry and resentful. That anger builds up until the point
is reached when the 'furious child' bursts out from behind the screen.
So they spend half their lives in infantile rages with each other.

John: Because they never realise what the cause of their rage is -that
they're not getting the love they so desperately need?

Robin: Right. And one reason they never get that love is that they
deny their need for it so completely that they can never ask for that
love in a simple, open way.

John: Martha has to say, 'Give your Mommy a kiss'. Saying, 'Give me a
kiss' would make her too vulnerable?

Robin: Yes.

John: So what attracted them to each other in the first place?

Robin: The similarity of the stuff in front of their screens - the
goods in the shop window. They would have seen each other as
sophisticated, intelligent, witty, very grown up, competent, worldly
people. And, of course, they would also have sensed intuitively what
was behind each other's screens, caught a glimpse, as it were, of the
desperate, violent child there -horrifying, but strangely enticing and
fascinating, and familiar.

John: Familiar in the literal sense that they'd experienced it in
their own families.

Robin: Exactly. So in the way they'd been taught by their families,
they immediately looked away from this horrifying shadowy figure -
which must seem like the devil to them. They didn't notice it. But
then, as they started living together, the devils began to burst out
more and more and couldn't be ignored any more. So, when one devil did
appear, the partner became horrified and attacked that devil
furiously.

John: Wait a moment, we're talking about a 'devil'. It's not a devil,
is it? It's a desperately unhappy child having a tantrum.

Robin: Of course, but that looks like a devil to the other partner.
And it's so familiar and frightening for them both because it must
have lurked in their parents, who therefore couldn't give George, or
Martha, enough reliable love. That's what has created the raging child
in each of them.

John: And the parents must have denied the child in themselves too, so
that the blind spot was passed on to George and Martha.

Robin: So when one of them sees the other's 'devil', they attack it -
with their own devil! Hence the terrible fighting.

John: But we've nearly all had bad rows like this at some time of our
lives, haven't we? To put it another way, if we've all got stuff
behind the screen, don't these Virginia Woolf scenes occur in all
marriages?

Robin: To a point, yes, even if they're in milder or more disguised
forms. But with this kind of couple, there's so much behind the
screen, and the fear of it is so great, that there's no compromise.
They've no tolerance at all for each other, which makes for a vicious
circle of increasing hate and bitterness between them. Often it will
end in quite serious physical violence too. But in most cases the
escalating violence stops short of murder because they run out of
energy. They literally become exhausted. Then, after a time, the
pressure builds up and it starts all over again.

John: But if there's so much conflict, why don't they get divorced?

Robin: It may be hard to understand, but a couple like this finds it
very difficult to separate. The relationship looks terrible to
everyone else but, despite all the mayhem, the partners in this kind
of marriage, function better in some ways together than they would be
able to do apart.

John: Is that because as long as they're fighting the devil in their
partner, they're distracted from noticing the devil in themselves?

Robin: Exactly. That lets them feel better about themselves -more
'angelic' if you like. And there's another pay-off in this kind of
marriage. Because they have the excuse of their partner's dreadful
devilish behaviour, the forbidden side of themselves can escape and
get expressed without them feeling guilty about it. Each one can say
it was the other's fault because 'they started it'.

John: 'All I said was...'

Robin: 'I'm a patient man but there are limits ...' So each can
believe that he or she is not really like that. They can believe their
own devil is only a reaction to the partner, that it's not really
there, and that with someone else everything would be different.

John: And, of course, if they're feeling aggrieved with each other all
the time, they're justified in not offering the partner love and
affection.

Robin: Right, so they can stay where they are and neither of them has
to acknowledge what's behind their screens.

John: What happens if they do separate? Or if one of them dies?

Robin: Well, then they may be at risk, because now they can't blame
their bad feelings, their 'devil', on the partner. So they often have
some kind of mental breakdown, sometimes even commit suicide.

John: I know of an old couple who were supposed not to have spoken to
each other for ten years. They lived in the same house, but they had
separated it up, and even put a partition at the front door.
Eventually the old woman killed herself. Within four days, the old man
did so too.

Robin: That's why these marriages are very enduring. They may break up
repeatedly for short periods, but then they both feel worse again, and
have to get back together.

John: Wait a moment, though. George and Martha, for example, in
between the fighting, have moments of very sentimental, baby-talk
behaviour.

Robin: What I've missed out is the changing moods. Sometimes the
desperate, raging child will be more frustrated and closer to breaking
through the screen; in other moods it may be quieter, more easily
hidden. So sometimes one 'devil' leaps out from behind the screen and
the other springs out for battle too. At other times both 'angels' -
the fronts of the screens - take over. When these coincide, the
partners will feel, and seem to others, even closer and more absorbed
in each other than normal couples who get on pretty well. In this
phase, they make up and they say they'll never do it again, and they
really believe it. Indeed, the bitter fight of the day before seems
just like a bad dream. They can't understand why it happened and they
really believe they will never do it again.

John: Because the problem is back behind the screen. So it's hidden
again, and they therefore can't really believe it's there once they're
feeling better. So the marriage is really out of control, isn't it,
because the partners are so out of touch with reality ...

Robin: Yes. About the only positive attitude you can take to it is
what was said about Carlyle, the writer, and his wife, that at least
they were married to each other and not making two other people
miserable. But we should remember that these are just a tiny
proportion of marriages, right up at the bad end of the spectrum.

John: Even so, I can recall rows that echo this kind of conflict.

Robin: Few people can't! But the fact you can see that means it isn't
behind your screen. If it was, you wouldn't recognise anything of
yourself in this couple! So anyone who can see they've taken part in a
scene like this is immediately many, many miles better off. And
because the problem isn't behind the screen, they'll be on the way to
solving it, even if they haven't done so already.

John: All right. So what about the more normal relationships -the
'middle-range' marriages?

[Next - The 'Dolls House' relationship, and the 'Hen Pecked
husband'.]