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Author: Wind RiverWind River Date: Aug 6, 2007 07:06
"Escape"
by Wind River
Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
worry about the others. Several men on horseback were on their trail.
They slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet, and ran toward a
stand of trees where the horses would have a more difficult time
following. A shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A dark stain spread
across his pants.
He clutched his leg and cried, "Keep running, Bethany!"
"No! I can’t. I can't leave you!"
“Go!"
The embankment was too steep for the horses, so the men galloped along
the edge until they reached a more gradual slope. A large man with long,
blond hair pushed his horse into the lead. His eyes met Bethany's, and
she ran. The underbrush was thick, and briars snagged her dress and
scratched her arms, leaving droplets of oozing blood. Their plan had
been to escape in the cover of night, but they had been forced to run
earlier when word got out. About twenty ran and were now scattered
across the Georgia foothills.
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Author: AnophelesAnopheles Date: Aug 6, 2007 09:03
"Wind River" wrote:.
> "Escape"
> by Wind River
>
> Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
> worry about the others. Several (men on horseback =riders)were on their
> trail. They slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet, and ran
> toward a stand of trees where (the) horses would have a more difficult
> time following. A shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A dark stain
> spread across his pants.
He wet himself? Maybe a red stain?
> He clutched his leg and cried, "Keep running, Bethany!"
>
> "No! I can’t. I can't leave you!"
>
> “Go!"
>
> The embankment was too steep for the horses, so the men galloped along the
> edge until they...
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Author: Wind RiverWind River Date: Aug 6, 2007 12:56
Anopheles wrote:
>
> "Wind River" wrote:.
>
>> "Escape"
>> by Wind River
>>
>> Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
>> worry about the others. Several (men on horseback =riders)were on
>> their trail. They slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet,
>> and ran toward a stand of trees where (the) horses would have a more
>> difficult time following. A shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A
>> dark stain spread across his pants.
>
>
> He wet himself? Maybe a red stain?
Good point.
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Author: AnophelesAnopheles Date: Aug 7, 2007 00:21
"Wind River" wrote
> Anopheles wrote:
>
>>
>> "Wind River" wrote:.
>>
>>> "Escape"
>>> by Wind River
>>>
>>> Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
>>> worry about the others. Several (men on horseback =riders)were on their
>>> trail. They slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet, and ran
>>> toward a stand of trees where (the) horses would have a more difficult
>>> time following. A shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A dark stain
>>> spread across his pants.
>>
>>
>> He wet himself? Maybe a red stain?
>
> Good point. ...
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Author: Wind RiverWind River Date: Aug 7, 2007 01:58
Anopheles wrote:
>
>
> I was fretting all night over this, as to whether I was fair or not and even
> if I was, could I have expressed it in a kinder way. Yes, I know, that
> wouldn't be true to my image, but I can change.
Oh, that's sad. I don't want you fretting over honest comments. I didn't
have a problem with your critique. I just thought, "Yeah, he's probably
right." I'm seldom ego attached to my writing. There are only a few
stories that I've written that are close to my heart in that way. There
are only a few people on AFO whom I feel have given me unfair critcism,
and they aren't around anymore.
Don't worry. By the way, my kids aren't ugly. Different, but not ugly. :)
Sue
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Author: PensandpadPensandpad Date: Aug 7, 2007 02:43
"Escape"
by Wind River
Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time
to
worry about the others. Several men on horseback were on their trail.
They slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet, and ran toward
a
stand of trees where the horses would have a more difficult time
following. A shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A dark stain
spread
across his pants.
He clutched his leg and cried, "Keep running, Bethany!"
"No! I can't. I can't leave you!"
"Go!"
The embankment was too steep for the horses, so the men galloped
along
the edge until they reached a more gradual slope. A large man with
long,
blond hair pushed his horse into the lead. His eyes met Bethany's,
and ...
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Author: Wind RiverWind River Date: Aug 7, 2007 04:49
Pensandpad wrote:
>
> Ok, Sue, Lady, great work and a thousand, thousand bravos! You've
> inspired me to tell more stories from this era, thanks.
Thank you, Jeff. A lot of good suggestions. The racism thread made me
want to write about this time period, but I wanted to do it differently
than the typical stories of this kind.
Sue
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Author: FedallahFedallah Date: Aug 12, 2007 22:12
"Wind River" bellsouth.net> wrote in message
> "Escape"
> by Wind River
> Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
> worry about the others. Several men on horseback were on their trail. They
> slid down an embankment, scrambled to their feet, and ran toward a stand
> of trees where the horses would have a more difficult time following. A
> shotgun thundered and her brother fell. A dark stain spread across his
> pants.
I like "the others" mentioned at the end of the first sentence. Gets alot
of information across with few words. Bloodhounds baying in the distance is
a bit cliche, somehow, but it does set the tone well. I'm assuming the dark
stain is blood, but I'd make it a red stain... or something to tell us it's
not him wetting himself in fear (unless that's what was intended, of
course.)
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Author: Wind RiverWind River Date: Aug 13, 2007 05:35
Fedallah wrote:
> "Wind River" bellsouth.net> wrote in message
>
> >>"Escape"
>>by Wind River
>
>
>>Bloodhounds bayed in the distance, but Amos and Bethany had no time to
>>worry about the others. Several...
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Author: AmandaAmanda Date: Aug 17, 2007 20:48
Hi Sue-
Exciting story, and I think you did a great job with the challenge.
On Aug 5, 10:06 pm, Wind River bellsouth.net> wrote:> "Escape"
> by Wind River
>
> Several men on horseback were on their trail.
Another verb to replace "were" maybe? Several men on horseback
pursued... something like that.
> A dark stain spread across his pants.
I agree with the confusion others had here. If you don't want to do
red (I get the sense that it's nighttime), you could locate the stain
on his lower leg or something.
> The embankment was too steep for the horses, so the men galloped along
> the edge until they reached a more gradual slope.
Minor POV quibble here. I wasn't sure if Bethany was watching this
happen, or if it's a quick break in her POV. I think that she watched
it, but a few words to indicate that might help.
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