Psycho babble
By Ed Naha
Created Nov 6 2006 - 9:26am
You know that this country is going down the tubes in terms of logic when
the Post Office announces a plan to remove stamp machines from its stations
and Laura Bush cautions Americans to watch what they say about Iraq because
people are "listening."

Yes, it's voting time, again. When up is down, down is up, right is wrong
and Dubya, Pickles and Dead-eye Dick are clinging to their podiums like
rabid Howler Monkeys - advising us to dummy up about our opinions because,
in the Republican variation of that classic World War II slogan: "Loose lips
can sink shits," in terms of political ideology.

Appearing in Ohio, our First Lady, shortly after accusing Michael J. Fox of
manipulating people's emotions with that faux disease of his, said, in her
best "kinder and gentler" The Joker fashion, Americans have to be vewwy
vewwy careful when dissing the Iraq fiasco.

"The right to have these conversations is part of what makes our country
great and our democracy strong. We must be mindful that people around the
world are listening to these discussions. (Including her hubby's stooges.)

"Responsible candidates understand that the men and women of our military
are risking their lives for us, and that we must conduct our debate here at
home in a way that does not jeopardize our troops in harm's way," she said,
calling for "conversations conducted with civility and respect."

Rim shot! Spit take! Triple take!

You want "civility and respect," Pickles? Try Dick Cheney on for size. (Or,
maybe don't. I just conjured up a visual that would cause even heterosexual
porn addicts to instant message Rep. Foley.)

Cheney has been appearing in rural spots all week, spewing more raw meat
than most slaughterhouses can produce in a year.

In Idaho, he snarled: "Every voter in the United States needs to know where
we stand, as well as how the leaders of the Democratic Party view the global
war on terror. Time and time again, we're seeing examples of Democratic
Party leaders apparently having lost their perspective concerning the nature
of the enemy we face, and the need to wage this fight aggressively. No
sharper example can be found than the Democratic Party chairman himself,
Howard Dean."

AUDIENCE: "Booo!"

DEAD-EYE: ".who said the capture of Saddam Hussein did not make America any
safer.
"And maybe it should be no surprise that such a party would turn its back on
a man like Senator Joe Lieberman, who's been an unapologetic in supporting
the fight against terror. (Applause.) Instead, they highlight people like
John Kerry."

AUDIENCE: "Booo!"

DEAD-EYE: "That is a great picture. (Applause.) Of course, he was their
presidential nominee just two years ago. The titular head of the Democratic
Party. Aren't we lucky he lost that election? (Applause.) I see you all
remember John Kerry - (laughter) - the senator who voted for the $87 billion
before he voted against it, the guy that was always lecturing us about
'nuance.' (Laughter.) He's the one, you'll recall, who last year said that
American soldiers were terrorizing children in Iraq." (Okay. You got Kerry
on a technicality, there. KILLING them isn't TERRORIZING them. It's a whole
past tense vs. present tense deal.)

AUDIENCE: "Booo!"

DEAD-EYE: "And just this week he took another swipe at the U.S. military.
Here's what he said, word for word: 'You know education, if you make the
most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to
be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq.'"

AUDIENCE: "Booo!"

DEAD-EYE: "Of course, Senator Kennedy - Kennedy, I'm sorry - Senator Kerry -
(laughter and applause) - come on, now. I've got to get through this speech.
(Laughter.) Senator Kerry said he was just making a joke, and he botched it
up. I guess we didn't get the nuance. He was for the joke before he was
against it. (Laughter and applause.)..

"All these (Democratic exit strategy) proposals have a common theme: They
would have America leave Iraq before the job is done. That's the kind of
withdrawal that Osama bin Laden has been predicting. He and his followers
believe that America doesn't have the stomach for this fight, and they are
absolutely convinced they can break the will of the American people."

Apples, meet oranges. Oranges, meet sour grapes. Sour grapes, meet cow-pies.

Cheney also declared, on national TV, that no matter what the outcome in
tomorrow's election it would be "full speed ahead" in Iraq. (Guess he hasn't
seen "The Titanic," yet.)

Okay, so the Republican political scene resembles a Morlocks convention
wherein you get first prizes for the most mouth breathing and the bloodiest
knuckle-dragging. Who could top Cheney? Uh, well, Dubya.

Appearing in high-school gyms and diners across the hinterland (I'm not
making that up.), Dubya in his blue "worker" shirt, howled to the faithful,
resembling Bonzo more than Reagan. (Stopping short of going the whole chimp
route. At no time did he physically crap in his hand and fling it. Too
nuanced.)

Dubya in Nevada: ""Oh, I've heard the Democrats. I'm sure you have, too. If
you listen for their plan on Iraq, they don't have one. On this crucial
issue facing the country, they don't have a plan for victory. And I want to
remind our fellow citizens, harsh criticism and second-guessing is not a
plan."

Dubya in Missouri: "If you happen to bump into a Democrat candidate, you
might want to ask this simple question: What's your plan? If they say they
want to protect the homeland, but oppose the Patriot Act, ask them this
question: What's your plan? (Laughter.) If they say they want to uncover
terrorist plots, but oppose listening in on terrorist conversations, ask
them this question: What's your plan? If they say they want to stop new
attacks on our country, but oppose letting the CIA detain and question the
terrorists who might know what those plots are, ask them this question:
What's
your plan? If they say they want to win the war on terror, but call for
America to pull out from what al Qaeda says is the central front in this
war, ask them this question: What's your plan?"

D'oh. You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.

Republicans are flailing all over the place in desperation, not only trying
to shore up their basest of bases but to cower Democrats into not voting.

The same week that uber-NeoCon Richard Perle told "Vanity Fair" magazine
that the Iraqi invasion was botched and "At the end of the day, you have to
hold the president responsible," and the same week that that an editorial in
"The Army Times," "The Navy Times," "The Air Force Times," and "The Marine
Corps Times" called for Donald Rumsfeld to take a hike, stating: "Rumsfeld
has lost credibility with the uniformed leadership, with the troops, with
Congress and with the public at large. His strategy has failed and his
ability to lead is compromised," Bush vowed to keep both Rummy and Cheney on
Team FUBAR until '08.

Bush also added, trying to pin blame on the Democrats for the war: ""So far
they've have refused to tell us how they intend to win in Iraq and how they
intend to secure this country. But there are four days left until the
election, there's still time."

How frightened are Republicans? Here's the erudite Bushflack Tony Snow,
responding to a question regarding the timing of Saddam's death sentence and
tomorrow's elections: "Are you smoking dope?"

(Man, I hope we all are and wake-up, tomorrow, from a haze to realize the
last six years were only a bad pipe dream.)

Snow went on to blather: "The most important thing to note right now, even
before (that hanging judge weighed in), is that Iraq has an independent
judiciary.

"We're talking about an Iraq that can sustain, defend and govern itself, and
you see - we've seen progress when it comes on the military side, not only
the Iraqi security forces . but also an independent judiciary.

"These are things that are absolutely vital to building a democracy that
will not only sustain itself, but have the faith and support of the
populous."

Ummm. Does that mean we can go home, now. I mean, they're all set up, right?

Then, there was Elizabeth Dole, R-N.C., appearing on "Meet the Press,"
resembling Bride of Chucky on crack, talking over everybody and braying:
""We
need to win the war, and it would be disastrous to lose.

"To pull out and withdraw is losing. The Democrats appear to be content with
losing."

Lady? Go home. Have your husband pop a blue pill. Relax. You don't know
dick. Uh.

In Tom DeLay's old district in Texas, Republicans are posting signs that
read: "Want more illegals? Vote Democrat." "Encourage Terrorists. Vote
Democrat."

Subtle.

In Tennessee, a Republican anti-Dem Ford ad conjured up a blonde bimbo
hitting on a Neee-grow, Ford.

In Wyoming? Classic stuff. Democratic candidate Gary Trauner is being
attacked by GOP Rep. Barbara Cubin for being. "a New Yorker." (Guess 9/11
doesn't matter anymore.")

As Trauner's clothes morphs into an "I love New York" shirt, the narrator
intones: "New Yorkers march to a different drummer. Maybe that's why Gary
Trauner is so out of step with Wyoming values. He's from New York. Not
Wyoming..He might be right for New York. But he's dead wrong for Wyoming."

Oh, yeah. He's a Jew, too.

So, there you have it folks. Keep the Neee-grows, the Jews and the
Carpetbaggers outta office.

I mean, Virginia's Good Ol' Boy Senator Allen is from.uh, California. And
has a Jewish mother. And our "All Hat No Cattle" Texas Cowboy Pretzledent is
from, uh, Connecticut and.

Can't anyone get ANYthing right in this Bush administration?

Apparently, not.

The United States Post Office recently announced that by, 2010, it will have
removed all of its U.S. stamp vending machine from its postal stations, all
23,000 of 'em. You'll still be able to use stamp machines at supermarkets,
gas stations and such, but not in a friggin' POST OFFICE!

The reason? Although the machines still work, they're old.

Oh, yeah. Those blue mailboxes on the streets where you live? They're being
phased out, too. In 1999, America had about 337,320 of them. By last year?
295,052. The reason for the phase-out? A lack of first-class mail. In other
words, mass junk mail is now a bigger priority than a birthday card, a
graduation card or a bill dropped in the mail.

So, let's get this straight.

In Bushzarro world: the Post Office is weaseling out of being an actual mail
carrying institution that caters to the needs of American citizens.

Public discourse is frowned upon.

We're winning in Iraq and we're "staying the course" and "going full-speed
ahead," even though the White House has expunged the term "staying the
course" from its lexicon and "going full-speed ahead" means "going off the
cliff."

Voting for a Democrat means the terrorists win.

If you're a Jew or a Black, you can't be trusted.

If you're running for office in a state you weren't born in, you can't be
trusted (if you're a Democrat).

And the terrorists hate us for our Freedom?

I think most terrorists can chill-out, now.

Unless we rattle their cages at the voting booths, tomorrow.

Just say yes: to Democracy.

Vote as if your life depended on it.

It does.

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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson