Ian Murphy: 'Support our unborn troops!'

An Evangelical Editorial

Ian Murphy, Buffalo Beast

Would you step on a helpless caterpillar, destroying its chance of becoming
a beautiful butterfly? Would you stunt the growth of your children with
cigarettes and heroin, killing your dream of grooming them into moneymaking
tennis pros? Would you cook an omelet with bald eagle eggs, depriving the
world one of God's most majestic creatures - even if you had an unclaimed
excess in deepfreeze that you were just going to throw out anyway? Would you
stab Lord Christ in both eyes with red-hot hedge clippers? Of course not, so
why kill a potential life for the benefit of an existing one? Especially a
life that may yet grow up to defend your freedom from the multiplying
terrorist hordes. Hordes that will only continue increasing in number, due
to the benevolent presence of yet other unborn American occupiers. It is the
opinion of this pundit that only the most treasonous could fail to support
the sanctity of the lives of the potential future troops.

With the first veto of his presidency, Bush has once again demonstrated his
sharp moral clarity and intellectual prowess, proving himself as a leader
with a keen grasp of scientific and geopolitical ethics. By striking down a
wayward bill for federally funded stem cell research, W is not only obeying
the will of God and playing to the GOP's evangelical base, but also helping
to create our next generation of Iraq liberators.

Though it has not been confirmed that the administration has an actionable
plan for spawning a stem cell army, it is clearly in the national interest
to thaw all embryonic stem cells and shove them into vacant American box
across the heartland - for the defense of the nation. By forcibly implanting
all fertile trailer trash in the red states, we could birth us up a military
force capable of certain global hegemony! We would be foolish not to. After
all, it would help stem the rampant sin of menstruation. Oh, those poor
defenseless eggs, all they ever wanted was a chance to combine their genetic
material with an intrepid spermatozoa and develop sentience, and now they're
in hell, shining the hooves of Satan. Breaks the heart almost as much as the
thought of the terrorists destroying our values.

These United States are by all accounts stuck in an intractable quagmire
until the end of all time. The president has clearly stated our policy to
stay the course in Iraq, and with military recruitment numbers still in the
dumpster, we are going to need those brave American blastocysts to promote
democracy in the Middle East and beyond. The War on Terror has no end in
sight, as we trend toward calling certain folks terrorists and others
allies, irrespective to either party's actions. It's the new Red Scare. A
new game of Islamofascist dominos.

It would be a shame to waste human life before it can be wasted where God
intended: on the battlefield. Both Iraq and Afghanistan continue to tailspin
into chaos and sectarian violence. There's Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, oh
my. And let's not forget the other 40 some odd nations hosting U.S. troops
internationally. Plus, it takes a lot of manpower to run the permanent bases
we have spread across some 50 countries worldwide. Growing tensions with
quantifiably evil regimes such as Syria, Iran and N. Korea may yet add extra
helpings to our military plate. With global powers struggling to control
dwindling petroleum supplies and other natural resources, we won't need just
active combat units but also unknown amounts of special forces operatives to
train numerous worldwide death squads and proxy armies in places like
Somalia, Ethiopia, Venezuela and oil rich Nigeria. And for the love of
Jesus, let's not forget the amount of soldiers required to operate
clandestine terrorist detention camps around the globe! I cannot bear to
think of a tussle with Russia or China. Now that's a tall order! It's a
tough moral dilemma: the cure for Parkinson's or the death of freedom and a
reign of tyranny. It is safe to say the president made the right call.

While the president's effort to put potential boots on the ground is
valiant, it may yet prove futile. Evil scientists with their agenda of
"knowledge" will not stand idly by watching stem cells not go to waste, not
as long as there is private sector cash involved. A majority of the American
public is in favor of stem cell research and the promise of cures for all
types of degenerative neural disorders will translate into economic
incentives, with funding coming directly from universities and Michael J.
Fox. With the baby-boomers quickly succumbing to senility and more and more
troops coming back from Iraq with permanently injured spinal cords, there
certainly is a growing demand. The beauty of the free market indeed.

Now don't be fooled into thinking we could simply re-grow the limbs and fix
the spines of our brave vets. It's theoretically possible but only by
federally funding the murder of potential human life. Besides, they might be
able to lead normal lives again, but they'll never quite be fightin' fit.
Not like embryonic stem cells forced into an impoverished human existence
and played "The Flight of the Valkyries," at an intense volume, for the
duration of their uterine development. After they're born: neglect, the
willfully dilapidated public education system and endlessly droning jingoism
of the media will whip them into the brave, unthinking killing machines they
deserve to become and our country so desperately needs.

We have set a course in our foreign policy since the tragic events of 9/11.
A course requiring rigidity in our hypocritical values as war loving
Christians. We must have firmness in our obsession with commercial growth,
economic gain and worldwide military dominance, even in the face of imminent
destruction by shadowy killers. We can never let the terrorists rob us of
our values as a nation, even if we have to kill every one of them to protect
the sanctity of life, and by letting stem cells have the chance to flourish
into ruthless killing machines, we can do just that. I only wish we could
genetically engineer them to have super-human abilities, ensuring a victory
in the war on terror, but we can't do that because it would be immoral. And
in this battle we need the moral high ground to prevail.

(c) Copyright 2006, The Beast.

Source: Buffalo Beast
http://buffalobeast.com/104/unborn.htm

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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson