Osama, we hardly knew ye!
By Ed Naha
Created Sep 26 2006 - 8:54am
Even in Bushzarro world, this last week has been a topsy-turvy one. Osama
bin Laden is dead. Or, not. We're winning in Iraq. Or, not. Bush and his
rebel Republicans have reached a compromise, preserving the Geneva
Conventions while interrogating vaguely defined detainees. Or, not. Pakistan
voluntarily joined us after 9/11 to fight the "Big Boy's War on Terror." Or,
not. Bush is the devil.

Anyhow, four out of those five statements are kind of squirrely.

First, let's address the elusive Osama's death. A French newspaper, "L'Est
Republicain," cited a memo from the French counter-espionage agency, DGSE,
sent to them by their Saudi equivalents, stating that Osama definitely
croaked last August because of "a severe bout of typhoid fever," or chiggers
or, maybe, a bad fall off a ladder whilst cleaning his cave's rain gutters.

Secretary of State Condi Rice, learning of the report, said she had "no
comment and no knowledge" of the information. And you know how good she is
in terms of intelligence.

Far under-reported was Karl Rove's response, when his head blew-up and he
screamed: "Holy crap! There goes my October surprise!"

The bin Laden death fandango is interesting on a number of levels. Nobody
wants to admit that it could be true. A Saudi intelligence source told UPI:
"We are not saying he is dead, but there is a lot of truth in the report."
The Saudi source, who spoke on condition that his name not be revealed,
confirmed the existence of a Saudi intelligence report relating to the
health of bin Laden. And according to that Saudi Arabian intelligence
document, it states, "bin Laden was very ill these past few weeks."

I'm thinking: hiccups from drinking beer and eating bratwurst 'n' kraut
while watching Bush speeches.

The Saudi intelligence report states that bin Laden's geographic isolation
"rendered all medical assistance impossible." U.S. intelligence sources have
long believed bin Laden is hiding in remote parts of Pakistan, close to the
border of Afghanistan, areas where sophisticated medical help would be
difficult to obtain unless he had his own "M*A*S*H" unit. Hmmmm. Alan Alda
is currently unemployed due to the cancellation of "The West Wing." The plot
thickens.

"This information is in no way whatsoever confirmed," French President
Jacques Chirac said when asked about the document. "I have no comment." He
later addressed concerned Americans directly: "So, you're all eating
french-fries, again, now, eh? I laugh in your inferior direction."

At his country's national day celebration in Washington, Saudi Ambassador
Prince Turki al-Faisal said, "My understanding is that (Osama) is alive and
well and kicking. But I may be wrong."

He then spat at on a "Dixie Chicks" CD and had some ribs, while George W.
Bush did a "rap" version of the text to "My Pet Goat."

So, Osama? Keep on truckin', you bogeyman, you. We need a straw man here in
BushLand. We need to rail at fantasy when reality kicks us in the teeth.

On the Iraqi quasi-reality front? We're definitely winning, according to
Army Gen. John P. Abizaid, Chief of the U.S. Central Command, who stated
that we're going to ace this quagmire "given unlimited time and unlimited
support." (Which will happen when, let's say, Godzilla and Mothra decide to
back us.)

The Army is stretched so thin that it is again extending the combat tours of
up to 4,000 soldiers beyond the promised 12 months - the second such move
since August.

"The Army is coming to the end of its rope in Iraq," said Loren Thompson, a
defense analyst at the Lexington Institute, a private research group. "It
simply does not have enough active-duty military personnel to sustain the
current level of effort."

Things are going so well that retired military officers on Monday again
accused Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld of bungling the war, saying
U.S. troops were sent to fight without the best equipment and that critical
facts were hidden from the American public.

"I believe that Secretary Rumsfeld and others in the administration did not
tell the American people the truth for fear of losing support for the war in
Iraq," retired Maj. Gen. John R. S. Batiste told a forum conducted by Senate
Democrats.

A second military honcho, retired Maj. Gen. Paul Eaton, assessed Rumsfeld as
"incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically."

"Mr. Rumsfeld and his immediate team must be replaced or we will see two
more years of extraordinarily bad decision-making," Eaton added.

Meanwhile, the Iraqi government agreed to consider amending its constitution
and begin debating legislation to create a federated nation, wherein Iraq
would be carved up into partly self-ruling regions, according to sects. (Say
good-bye to oil revenues, you Sunni rascals.)

Also, a National Intelligence Estimate concluded that our invasion of Iraq
has helped create a new wave of Islamic radicalism and that the overall
terrorist threat has grown since 9/11.

The report, completed last April, represented a consensus view of the 16 spy
services inside our government.

Please note that the report was completed five months ago.and we're hearing
about it now only because of published leaks.

"Press reports say our nation's intelligence services have confirmed that
President Bush's repeated missteps in Iraq and his stubborn refusal to
change course have made America less safe," said Senate Democratic Leader
Harry Reid. "No election-year White House PR campaign can hide this truth."

White House spokesman Blair Jones said, "We don't comment on classified
documents." But he said the published accounts' "characterization of the NIE
is not representative of the complete document." (Yeah, they left out the
origami section.)

Republican Senate leader Bill ("Hello, Kitty") Frist wouldn't comment on the
report, saying he hadn't read it, 'cause it was "classified."

So, let me get this straight: Our Congress can't read classified reports
because.? That might get them into the Bush bubble's loop? That might allow
them to actually KNOW what's going on? WE ELECT THESE IDIOTS TO REVEL IN
THEIR IGNORANCE? Then, they have the audacity to tell us to trust them? Oy!

On the torture tango dance floor, Bush and his Senate Republican rebel
wanna-be's announced a "compromise," last week, which Bush hailed as a step
forward.

Whenever Bush hails a compromise with the Senate, you know he's just
castrated them.

Bush wanted to torture the bad guys. Period. Now, officially, he can.

Republicans John Warner of Virginia, John McCain of Arizona and Lindsey O.
Graham of South Carolina caved.not only giving Bush the power to write
secret rules on how to treat "suspected" terrorists during interrogations
but allowing him to cover his and his Administration's sorry asses should
they be accused of war crimes.

Bush told reporters that the agreement "preserves the single most potent
tool we have in protecting America and foiling terrorist attacks.

"The measure also creates military commissions that will bring these
ruthless killers to justice,'' Bush preened. "I hope the Congress will send
me legislation before it wraps up business next week.''

"There is no doubt that the integrity and letter and spirit of the Geneva
Conventions have been preserved'' by the agreement, toady McCain croaked.

The only problem with this "agreement" is it gives our Connecticut Cowboy
the right to kick ass, even when he's not sure whose ass he's kicking and
doesn't care.

The president preserves the option of deciding what "alternative'' methods
to use based on legal advice from a gung-ho Justice Department. His
interpretation will be posted weeks after the fact in the federal record
book, a tactic he has used in the past to get around laws he doesn't like.

"It deliberately provides a 'get out of jail free card' to the
administration's top torture officials,'' said Caroline Fredrickson,
director of the ACLU's Washington legislative office. "These are tactics
expected of repressive regimes, not the American government.''

As "The Washington Post" wrote in an editorial, "In effect, the agreement
means that U.S. violations of international human rights law can continue as
long as Mr. Bush is president, with Congress's tacit assent."

The cave-in reverses two recent decisions by the Supreme Court: the 2004
ruling that gave detainees the right to bring suits in US federal courts,
and last summer's declaration that Bush's military tribunals, with their
classified evidence and testimony obtained through torture, were unlawful.

Meanwhile, the new accord states that there is only one authority who
decides which interrogation methods breach Common Article 3 - the President.
Oh, boy.

Last Thursday's press release said BushCo. would at least publish the list
of permissible techniques. By Friday, National Security Advisor Stephen
Hadley said that some CIA methods would be kept secret. We're all just going
to have to trust our honorable President to do the right thing.

And, we can all change our names to Ben Dover.

Those accused of a terrorist act will not be able to see the evidence
against them if our government deems it classified. Instead, they will see a
redacted summary. "(XXXXXX), in the month of (XXXXX) tried to (XXXXXXX) in
order to (XXXXXXX). (Damn! That reads like a Hollywood star's arrest
record.)

The bill makes the President his "own judge and jury," complained
Fredrickson, adding that Bush would get "unilateral authority to declare
certain torture and abuse legal and sound."

How fair is this "compromise?" White House consul Dan Bartlett, re: the
Republican Senate "rebellion," noted: "We proposed a direct approach to
bring clarification. This one is more of the scenic route, but it gets us
there."

That's reassuring.

Also on the terrorism front, our great ally, Pakistan's President Pervez
Musharraf revealed that the only reason he joined the U.S. terror tour after
9/11, was that he was advised by Richard Armitage that he could either play
ball or "Be prepared to be bombed. Be prepared to go back to the Stone Age."

Armitage has denied he said that.

Bush hasn't denied the U.S. threat.

Musharraf declined to elaborate on the statement while visiting the states,
last week, because he had a book contract and didn't want to comment on the
juicy bits.

There's no business like U.S. show business.

In his book, Musharraf also reveals that the U.S. has paid Pakistan
"millions of dollars" in bounty to capture alleged al Qaeda members.

"Those who habitually accuse us of 'not doing enough' in the war on terror
should simply ask the CIA how much prize money it has paid to the government
of Pakistan," Musharraf writes, while bellyaching about the failure to catch
Osama bin Laden, who carries a $25 million reward.

In other words, if Mustafa doesn't like his neighbor, Omar, he can turn Omar
in for big bucks as a suspected al Qaeda member, thus avoiding Abu-Ed
McMahon's heavily armored prize-mobile.

Ah, the devil is in the details.

And, speaking of Old Scratch, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez equated Bush
to the devil himself in front of the U.N. General assembly, causing
right-wingers to launch their toupees into low-orbit. He also called for
Bush to resign, dubbed him a "clueless cowboy" and, after Venezuela's
foreign minister was detained and given a "shake-down" at JFK announced:
"This is a provocation from Mr. Devil."

Now, personally, I don't think Bush is the Devil. He's not smart enough and
just doesn't have that pizzazz. I DO think he's a third-rate politician
propelled into power because of money and family connections, an arrogant,
gilded frat-boy and the worst president in the history of the United States.
But the Devil? Naaah. Still, most pundits reacted to the comment as if it
represented the end of the world (due, I believe, a week from Thursday).

Hey, Fox newsers?

The Rev. Jerry Falwell said that if Hillary Rodham Clinton were the
Democrats' presidential nominee in '08, it would energize evangelical
Christians to oppose her more than if the devil himself were running.

He later said that his comments were "tongue-in-cheek."

So, let Chavez's comments be termed as "tongue-in-cheek."

And lets ignore the fact that Chevez's over-the-top comments allowed Iran's
President Ahmadinejad's nuanced U.N. rant to fly under the radar, appealing
to the international community to intervene on the side of "justice and
wisdom" and stating that the Security Council is the "most universal of
collective security."

He gently painted Bush's Administration as totally evil.without referencing
the devil once.

So, Dubya? Keep on ranting.

Republican-controlled Congress? Pile into your Clown Cars and zigzag back
home to beat your chests about this new "terror" bill and all your other
great and grandglorious accomplishments. And, keep your heads down.

Don't look up from your Abramoff-enhanced wallets. Just keep on
concentrating on your small islands of power.

Don't look across the seas. Why?

The rest of the world isn't buying into your morally corrupt arrogance.
You've
just seen the first step at the U.N.

If the people you've used and abused overseas just say "no?"

If the working class American people you've trod on say the same?

Think of a new career after November's elections.

I hear India is wonderful, this time of year, for outsourced jobs.

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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson