November Prognostication: Republicans Sweep
By Ben Tripp
Created Sep 17 2006 - 7:24am
In the last week, there have been millions of words expended on the subject of the mass murders that occurred on the ninth day of September in 2001, most of it emotional pornography of the lowest sort. It's been five years since a small group of fanatical assassins got together and perpetrated the ugliest crime in American history, excepting possibly Thomas Kinckaid's gallery-opening franchise scheme. Roughly three thousand people died that day when passenger jets were highjacked and flown into buildings in Washington and Manhattan. Everybody knows this. The most powerful folks in America at that time announced that '9/11 changed everything' (the crime is called 9/11 because that is its birthday). I said to myself, "No, it didn't", and for the first and only time on any subject, I was wrong. 9/11 did change everything, although not in the way I thought they meant. For one thing, the Democrats ceased to be a political party.

I will now make my predictions for the 2006 elections. There have been dozens of predictions made by all sorts of clever-boots Washington Watchers, mostly showing a rout on the Republican side, with them losing control of the Senate and possibly even the House, although which house they don't say. I'm guessing the House of Representatives, because unlike most houses, it is capitalized. The general mood is that Republicans can't hold on to power because they are hated by everybody except the looniest of the loons on the extreme 'bring on the apocalypse' right-wing fringe (a group comprising some 35%% of Americans, which is why I have taken to carrying my passport, a Derringer, a Canadian phrase book, and a thousand dollars in gold coin wherever I go). I disagree with the general mood.

Pundits, by which I mean people getting paid to do what I am now doing entirely for free, all agree that the election will be a national referendum on the dismal performance of George W. Bush, the 109th Congress, and Republican radicalism. And they agree that this roistering roost of rectum rooters has done just about the worst job governing since Tomás de Torquemada took over the Segovia Rotary Club. The only imaginable good news is the Congress has worked fewer days than the famous 'Do Nothing' congress of 1948, so they haven't done as much damage as they could have. There just wasn't time. These pundits are all predicting hurricanes, landslides, pogroms, and double noogies for the Republicans in November.

Nonsense. The Republicans won't gain any seats, but they're not going to lose more than a handful, either. Why not? Because of three very important things, or possibly seven very important things, of which I will enumerate the three I can remember.

First (I always begin with the first thing) there's FEAR. Bush and his big bad buddies are all pounding the fear and terror drums like orangutans on phencyclidine, and by some incredible coincidence we now see newly revealed 5-year-old videotape of Osama bin Laden handing out airline tickets to his pals on the World Trade Center Welcoming Committee, among many other reminders that America is under attack, more or less. Americans respond well to fear, because we are a nation of trembling little newborn kittens with all the valor and courage of freshly shucked oysters --even though God has personally chosen America to do His heavy lifting for Him.

Second (always next after first; I'm a traditionalist) we have GOOD NEWS. The Democrats have walked into a brilliant Karl Rove trap. They imagined the bad news would continue to rain down on the Bush parade all the way through the election, but they forgot an important fact. The Commercial Media are on Bush's side. Or at least, the radical Republican side, seeing as those are the folks that will disband the FCC and see copyright legislation through Congress that allows Comcast to send dwarfs with cats o' nine tails to your house to make sure you don't make any illegal copies of those old videotaped episodes of Three's Company you made back in the 1980s. So the Democrats find themselves finally and astonishingly acting just the tiniest bit oppositional to the war in Iraq, the planned war in Iran, the war on New Orleans, and so on, believing these are ironclad Bad News subjects for the Republicans, and meanwhile, instead of the actual bad news about all this stuff, the media are portraying (to the best of their limited abilities) this disastrous period as somewhat of a corner-turning time. It's morning in America all of a sudden, with gas prices conveniently plummeting, the economy universally described as 'strong' (although it has all the strength of a spoonful of decaffeinated Nescafé in a trillion gallons of water), and hey, how about Tom Cruise's baby? So all of a suddenlike, the Democrats look like the grumpy old worry-worts that, for reasons unknown to me and probably historians throughout the future of our species (if any), seems to be the label the Democrats fear more than any other. Democrats: the cheerful, mild party.

The second important thing got a little bit long because Uncle is just a little bit loquaxine in the volubility department, so I will make the third thing short, which it is, in any case. PErhaps the third thing lacked proper nutrition when it was small. I do not know. I only know that the third thing is sitting in the corner staring at me in a kind of weird, shifting shadow that cannot be explained by the room lighting; the third thing looks like one of those dead ghost children that is always crawling out of evil closets to kill unwitting Japanese people in horror movies with titles like Pulse and Ring and Never Leave A Drowned Schoolgirl In A Cistern. But I digress. The third all-important reason the Republicans will shake off modest losses this midterm election, and then beat the Democrats to death with their own severed legs, is ELECTION FRAUD.

See, nothing has been done to fix the problems (other than miserable candidates) that lost the Democrats the last two national elections. Au contraire, as John Kerry would say. The evil electronic voting machines have been installed far and wide, although it has now been revealed that a mongoloid penguin could break into these devices, reverse any election result it wished, and be gone inside of four minutes, leaving nothing behind but a stolen election and the faint aroma of herring. Let us remember the apocryphal quote attributed to Joe 'Laughing Boy' Stalin: "It's not the people who vote that count, it's the people that count the votes". There are other problems, too. Gerrymandering has proceeded apace, sealing off entire slabs of the landscape from Democrats. Black people will find the nearest polling station is five hours from where they live (or used to live before the hurricane). And the whole anti-immigrant maneuver wasn't just a Republican faux pas-- it had a severe dampening effect on the desire to vote of persons of the recent immigrant persuasion, just as the anti-gay legislative efforts have a dampening effect on the desire to vote of homosexual queers. People don't vote for revenge. They avoid voting for revenge. That's why the elections are being decided by a tiny percentage of eligible voters.

So there is my reasoning for why the Republicans will enjoy a surprise resurgence at the polls this November. If one wanted to add a few categories, there's the perennial favorite God, who will command millions of witless Americans to vote for Republicans. There's hate, which will drive many Americans to vote against fags and macacas and towelheads, regardless of other factors. There's misinformation, as what we consider to be 'data' is actually 'balderdash' (see The Path To 9/11I, et al). In the end, however, it will be an overarching failure of will on the part of the American people that accounts for the astonishing, last-minute surge the Republicans enjoy at the polls, leading them to what the utterly guileless news media will narrate as a 'near-disaster-but-actually-almost-a- second-chance-referendum-to-continue-to-lead', or 'benefit of the doubt' (it's coming, and it will be mind-blowing).

Even a modest failure will be regarded as a mighty triumph for the Republicans this November. And if there's one thing the Bush administration excels at, it's making triumph and failure interchangeable. So look out, Democrats. You can't win, even if you do-- but not to worry, because you probably won't.
_______

About author Ben Tripp, author of Square in the Nuts, is a hack in many mediums. He may be reached at credel@earthlink.net [1].
Bookmark/Search this post with:

--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107

"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson

November Prognostication: Republicans
Sweep
By Ben Tripp
Created Sep 17 2006 - 7:24am

In the last week, there have been millions of words
expended on the subject of the mass murders that occurred on the ninth day of
September in 2001, most of it emotional pornography of the lowest sort. It's
been five years since a small group of fanatical assassins got together and
perpetrated the ugliest crime in American history, excepting possibly Thomas
Kinckaid's gallery-opening franchise scheme. Roughly three thousand people died
that day when passenger jets were highjacked and flown into buildings in
Washington and Manhattan. Everybody knows this. The most powerful folks in
America at that time announced that '9/11 changed everything' (the crime is
called 9/11 because that is its birthday). I said to myself, "No, it didn't",
and for the first and only time on any subject, I was wrong. 9/11 did change
everything, although not in the way I thought they meant. For one thing, the
Democrats ceased to be a political party.
I will now make my predictions for the 2006
elections. There have been dozens of predictions made by all sorts of
clever-boots Washington Watchers, mostly showing a rout on the Republican side,
with them losing control of the Senate and possibly even the House, although
which house they don't say. I'm guessing the House of Representatives, because
unlike most houses, it is capitalized. The general mood is that Republicans
can't hold on to power because they are hated by everybody except the looniest
of the loons on the extreme 'bring on the apocalypse' right-wing fringe (a group
comprising some 35%% of Americans, which is why I have taken to carrying my
passport, a Derringer, a Canadian phrase book, and a thousand dollars in gold
coin wherever I go). I disagree with the general mood.
Pundits, by which I mean people getting paid to do
what I am now doing entirely for free, all agree that the election will be a
national referendum on the dismal performance of George W. Bush, the 109th
Congress, and Republican radicalism. And they agree that this roistering roost
of rectum rooters has done just about the worst job governing since Tomás de
Torquemada took over the Segovia Rotary Club. The only imaginable good news is
the Congress has worked fewer days than the famous 'Do Nothing' congress of
1948, so they haven't done as much damage as they could have. There just wasn't
time. These pundits are all predicting hurricanes, landslides, pogroms, and
double noogies for the Republicans in November.
Nonsense. The Republicans won't gain any seats, but
they're not going to lose more than a handful, either. Why not? Because of three
very important things, or possibly seven very important things, of which I will
enumerate the three I can remember.
First (I always begin with the first thing) there's
FEAR. Bush and his big bad buddies are all pounding the fear and terror drums
like orangutans on phencyclidine, and by some incredible coincidence we now see
newly revealed 5-year-old videotape of Osama bin Laden handing out airline
tickets to his pals on the World Trade Center Welcoming Committee, among many
other reminders that America is under attack, more or less. Americans respond
well to fear, because we are a nation of trembling little newborn kittens with
all the valor and courage of freshly shucked oysters --even though God has
personally chosen America to do His heavy lifting for Him.
Second (always next after first; I'm a
traditionalist) we have GOOD NEWS. The Democrats have walked into a brilliant
Karl Rove trap. They imagined the bad news would continue to rain down on the
Bush parade all the way through the election, but they forgot an important fact.
The Commercial Media are on Bush's side. Or at least, the radical Republican
side, seeing as those are the folks that will disband the FCC and see copyright
legislation through Congress that allows Comcast to send dwarfs with cats o'
nine tails to your house to make sure you don't make any illegal copies of those
old videotaped episodes of Three's Company you made back in the 1980s. So the
Democrats find themselves finally and astonishingly acting just the tiniest bit
oppositional to the war in Iraq, the planned war in Iran, the war on New
Orleans, and so on, believing these are ironclad Bad News subjects for the
Republicans, and meanwhile, instead of the actual bad news about all this stuff,
the media are portraying (to the best of their limited abilities) this
disastrous period as somewhat of a corner-turning time. It's morning in America
all of a sudden, with gas prices conveniently plummeting, the economy
universally described as 'strong' (although it has all the strength of a
spoonful of decaffeinated Nescafé in a trillion gallons of water), and hey, how
about Tom Cruise's baby? So all of a suddenlike, the Democrats look like the
grumpy old worry-worts that, for reasons unknown to me and probably historians
throughout the future of our species (if any), seems to be the label the
Democrats fear more than any other. Democrats: the cheerful, mild
party.
The second important thing got a little bit long
because Uncle is just a little bit loquaxine in the volubility department, so I
will make the third thing short, which it is, in any case. PErhaps the third
thing lacked proper nutrition when it was small. I do not know. I only know that
the third thing is sitting in the corner staring at me in a kind of weird,
shifting shadow that cannot be explained by the room lighting; the third thing
looks like one of those dead ghost children that is always crawling out of evil
closets to kill unwitting Japanese people in horror movies with titles like
Pulse and Ring and Never Leave A Drowned Schoolgirl In A Cistern. But I digress.
The third all-important reason the Republicans will shake off modest losses this
midterm election, and then beat the Democrats to death with their own severed
legs, is ELECTION FRAUD.
See, nothing has been done to fix the problems (other
than miserable candidates) that lost the Democrats the last two national
elections. Au contraire, as John Kerry would say. The evil electronic voting
machines have been installed far and wide, although it has now been revealed
that a mongoloid penguin could break into these devices, reverse any election
result it wished, and be gone inside of four minutes, leaving nothing behind but
a stolen election and the faint aroma of herring. Let us remember the apocryphal
quote attributed to Joe 'Laughing Boy' Stalin: "It's not the people who vote
that count, it's the people that count the votes". There are other problems,
too. Gerrymandering has proceeded apace, sealing off entire slabs of the
landscape from Democrats. Black people will find the nearest polling station is
five hours from where they live (or used to live before the hurricane). And the
whole anti-immigrant maneuver wasn't just a Republican faux pas-- it had a
severe dampening effect on the desire to vote of persons of the recent immigrant
persuasion, just as the anti-gay legislative efforts have a dampening effect on
the desire to vote of homosexual queers. People don't vote for revenge. They
avoid voting for revenge. That's why the elections are being decided by a tiny
percentage of eligible voters.
So there is my reasoning for why the Republicans will
enjoy a surprise resurgence at the polls this November. If one wanted to add a
few categories, there's the perennial favorite God, who will command millions of
witless Americans to vote for Republicans. There's hate, which will drive many
Americans to vote against fags and macacas and towelheads, regardless of other
factors. There's misinformation, as what we consider to be 'data' is actually
'balderdash' (see The Path To 9/11I, et al). In the end, however, it will be an
overarching failure of will on the part of the American people that accounts for
the astonishing, last-minute surge the Republicans enjoy at the polls, leading
them to what the utterly guileless news media will narrate as a
'near-disaster-but-actually-almost-a-
second-chance-referendum-to-continue-to-lead', or 'benefit of the doubt' (it's
coming, and it will be mind-blowing).
Even a modest failure will be regarded as a mighty
triumph for the Republicans this November. And if there's one thing the Bush
administration excels at, it's making triumph and failure interchangeable. So
look out, Democrats. You can't win, even if you do-- but not to worry, because
you probably won't._______
About
author Ben Tripp, author of Square in the Nuts, is a hack in many
mediums. He may be reached at credel@earthlink.net [1].

Bookmark/Search this post with:

-- NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted
material the use of which has notalways been authorized by the copyright
owner. I am making such materialavailable to advance understanding
ofpolitical, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues.
Ibelieve this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material
asprovided for in section 107 of the US CopyrightLaw. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
 
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of
witches pass over, theirspells dissolve, and the people recovering their
true sight, restore theirgovernment to its true principles.  It is true
that in the meantime we aresuffering deeply in spirit,and incurring the
horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous publicdebt.  But if
the game runs sometimes against us at home we must havepatience till luck
turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winningback the principles
we have lost, for this is a game where principles are atstake."-Thomas
Jefferson