Losing Big Time: A Republicans' Guide for Recovery

By Nick Paccione
Created Nov 9 2006 - 9:14am

So, things look grim. You've lost the Senate. You've lost the House. Most
Americans think you're a corrupt bunch of war mongers. During the past two
years your Speaker was indicted for bribery and money laundering. Your VP's
chief of staff was indicted for lying to a grand jury. Your VP shot his
friend in the face and then tried to cover it up. Your favorite radio pundit
was arrested for illegal drug use. You favorite TV pundit was sued for
sexual harassment. Your key appointee in Congress for child safety is an
avid predator of young boys. One of your most significant evangelical
Christian contacts to the Bush White House has been buying crystal meth from
a male prostitute. Your President has been labeled by key members of his own
party as one of the most incompetent leaders of the last two centuries.

What's a conservative to do?

Admit that you are powerless and that your lives and entire belief system
have become unmanageable. Recognize that your way of living has been wrong
especially when you insist on telling other people how to live while doing
anything you want. Accept that you find it necessary to condemn so-called
sinners by quoting the Bible but you never seem to get around to finding a
Bible quote that might condemn something that you are doing in your life. Is
there something that might just be an abomination whether that might be
sexual perversity, greed, gluttony or divorce? Now is the time to keep your
ignorant ideas and the ideas of your ignorant minister out of politics.

Come to believe that a Power greater than yourselves could restore some
sanity. With the national debt spiraling out of control, admit that it's
time to let the Democrats control things. Democrats like Bill Clinton and
Jimmy Carter were much more responsible in fiscal matters and have worked to
balance the budget after Reagan and the Bushes spent as recklessly as Lucy
Ricardo on speed. Don't fight the truth. Embrace it. It's for your good and
the good of your country.

Make a decision to turn your will and your lives over to the care of God.
Instead of just saying this and preaching about it, really do it for a
change. Let God be the judge of your neighbor. God doesn't need your
assistance. God doesn't need Jerry Falwell or James Dobson sticking their
noses into "His" business either. So tune them out and get about the
business of living a decent life without judging other people. Don't make
excuses for criminals like Tom Delay, Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby and Duke
Cunningham.

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves. You have
preached morality and insist on posting the Ten Commandments in public. Now
ask yourself if you've worked to follow them. More importantly, if you're a
Christian--ask yourself if you are living a life that is Christ-like. Have
you even read the Sermon on the Mount? If you are a conservative Republican
then you didn't understand the Beatitudes ("Blessed are the poor, etc.") did
you? Recognize that the platform of Christ and the platform of a
conservative Republican are hopelessly incompatible.

Admit to God, to yourselves and to another human being the exact nature of
your wrongs. A good example is the power and support that you've given to
hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh. Did you recoil in shame and disgust when
you saw him mocking the symptoms of a young man suffering from Parkinson's
disease? If yes, you are on your way to recovery. If no, you are in denial
and must examine and question your place among decent human beings.

Are you entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character?
This will mean denouncing Bush and Cheney for their repeated lies. You will
need to accept that Bill O'Reilly is a bag of wind and a vexation to your
spirit. You must rebuke Sean Hannity, Karl Rove, Pat Robertson and Ken
Mehlman for their repeated attacks on morality. Accept that winning is not
more important than basic decency. The ends do not justify the means. Think
about Karl Rove's swift boat attacks on John Kerry as an example of
disgraceful behavior that you condoned by voting for George W Bush in 2004.

Humbly asked God to remove your shortcomings. Better yet, accept that the
electorate removed your former idols from public service. Understand that
people like George Allen and Rick Santorum eventually have to pay the piper.
When you act despicably and speak despicably, truth and goodness will
eventually conquer your world and you'll be put in your place. Learn from
these disgraced and toppled leaders who were never fit for public service
because of the venom that they spewed and the lies that they employed to
cover their tracks.

Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and become willing to make
amends to them all. This one is impossible considering all who have died in
Iraq because of your irresponsible faith in the Bush Administration;
considering all who have slipped into poverty because of you; considering
all who have faced irreparable discrimination because of your beliefs;
considering all the harm that Republicans that you've supported have done to
the image of the United States. But make the list anyway and vow to never
vote for this kind of immorality again.

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others. Again, this would be impossible.

Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit
it. If you are still lost as to the difference between right and wrong you
might want to tune into Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity or Jerry Falwell and
adopt the opposite point of view regarding any topic that they have offered
an opinion about.

Pray only for knowledge, intelligence and compassion. If you own any books
authored by Anne Coulter--burn them immediately. It's helpful if you pray
while burning. Entreat God (whatever you perceive that to be) and include a
plea that your home be cleansed of any remnant of Coulter's abiding
malevolent spirit.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry
this message to other conservatives, and to practice these principles in all
your affairs.
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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson