Fear of a Keith Moon Planet

By Mickey Z.
Created Nov 11 2006 - 7:09am

Let's say we're back in the 1970s, and you've got dreams of being in a rock
band. Besides possessing at least a modicum of musical ability, there are
several other pre-requisites to fulfill, e.g. long hair, sex, heavy
drinking, sex, drug use, sex, intolerable drum solos, sex, and, of course,
an innate ability to utterly demolish hotel rooms without an ounce of guilt
or remorse.

How many yarns have been spun and books written and documentaries shot about
classic rockers like Led Zeppelin turning their rented rooms into potential
Superfund sites? The legend of The Who's Keith Moon's was built as much on
his motel madness as his drumming dexterity. As TheWho.net explains, Moon
was known for "stripping naked in airports and on television shows,
destroying hotel rooms, swinging from chandeliers, throwing televisions out
of hotel windows, (and) putting cherry bombs in toilets" while
ClassicRockPage.com estimates that the total damage "wreaked by Moon around
the world over a span of 14 years was . about $500,000."

Did George Bernard Shaw know something we didn't when he declared: "I don't
know if there are men on the moon, but if there are, they must using the
earth as their lunatic asylum"? Consider this recent come-on from a British
travel website: "Los Angeles has more rock 'n' roll landmarks-and more
trashed hotel rooms-than any other city, making it a mecca (sic) for music
fans and trivia buffs." Thanks to folks like Tommy Lee and Sid Vicious, it's
become socially acceptable-admirable even-to leave your borrowed digs in far
worse shape than when you found them. But it's all harmless fun, right?
Besides, who cares about a hotel room once you're gone? Hmm . I smell a
metaphor brewing.

But first, I suggest you look at your watch, check the time, and consider
this: Since yesterday at this hour, 13 million tons of toxic chemicals were
released across the globe; two hundred thousand acres of rainforest were
destroyed; more than 100 plant or animal species went extinct; and 45,000
human beings died of starvation (most of them, by the way, were children).

We now return to our regularly scheduled metaphor (or is this an allegory?):

Imagine Planet Earth as an enormous, overbooked, and understaffed Holiday
Inn Express. Now imagine the mass of humanity as, say, a younger Ozzy
Osbourne on tour.without his wife around to supervise. Go one step further
and picture the politicians, generals, CEOs, and all those other "deciders"
who are unable to see beyond the next fiscal quarter as none other than
Keith Moon the Loon himself. Indeed, Hotel Gaia is in for a long, long
night.

At some point, however, the hotel bill will come due. And make no mistake
about it-based even on the tiny sampling of damage detailed above-this
metaphorical debt will give new meaning to the phrase "dark side of the
Moon." Are you ready?

--
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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson