Deviant Conservative Males: an Analysis
By Ben Tripp
Created Sep 30 2006 - 4:50pm
Joke:

Q: What's the hardest part of being a child molester?

A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

Mr. St. Clair of CounterPunch recently supplied me with a list of sex crimes
committed by prominent conservative Republicans. The list originated on
Wikipedia, and he found it here [1], probably while surfing the Internet for
Lolita pictures.

It is replete with cross-references and is genuine. Mr. St. Clair, being
high on dope, thought I would find the list interesting. He probably did not
think I would read the entire thing aloud to my co-workers at the Philistine
Worker's Daily, to heartbreaking cries of horror and implorations that I
stop before their minds were so tainted they were rendered unfit for
wedlock. I now bring you a mere sample of the list of crimes, all of them
heinous, so that you might begin to see a pattern among them. I know I did.
(A similar and more comprehensive list, including crimes can be found here
[2]. It will make your hair curl, uncurl, crawl under the sofa, and die.)

Here is the sample of the list supplied to me by St. Clair. You can't make
this shit up.

-- Republican Commissioner ( of Richland County, Ohio ) David Swartz
pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced
to 8 years in prison.

-- Republican Speaker of the Puerto Rico House of Representatives, Edison
Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter
between the ages of 9 and 17.

-- Republican Committeeman John R. Curtain was charged with molesting a
teenage boy and unlawful sexual contact with a minor.

-- Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth anti-abortion
activist who gained fame during the Schiavo media-circus, was convicted of
two charges of raping a child in 2002 .

-- Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to
possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to
anybody who murders an abortion doctor.

-- Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three
years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.

-- Republican pastor Mike Hintz,a First Assembly of God youth pastor whom
George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered
to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.

-- Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an
inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.

-- Republican advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was charged with
molesting his 9-year old step-daughter after including her in an anti-Gore
television commercial.

-- Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the
White House during the 1980s.

-- Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell
admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter, the Susan
Smith who drowned her adorable two sons "in cold blood" in a South Carolina
lake in 1995.

-- Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline was placed under house arrest for
child molestation and possession of child pornography.

-- Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional
values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for
permission to perform oral sex on him.

-- Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his
genitals to an 11 year old girl.

-- Republican anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to
40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to
stop a gay couple from adopting her.

-- Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of
raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.

-- Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two
years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old
girl.

-- Republican Tennessee State Representative, Keith Westmoreland was
arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls
under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).

-- Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was found guilty of
molesting a 15-year old girl at the home for troubled girls that he ran.

-- Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a
male child.

-- Republican candidate Richard Gardner,a Nevada State Representative,
admitted to molesting his two daughters.

-- Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner had been
convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl. when the Republican Party,
knowing of these crimes, put him on the ballot.

-- Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to
unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.

-- Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to
raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison. Republican activist
Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home
computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.

-- Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state
representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was
found in his possession. With his political career over, he went to work in
the hard-core pornography industry for Platinum X Pictures, owned by his
daughter, porn starlet Jewel De'Nyle (Stephany Schwarz).

-- Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin
Vanderwall, director of Faith & Family Alliance, (a Christian Coalition spin
off), former student of Pat Robertson's Regent University, member of Ralph
Reed's inner circle who funneled money to from lobbyist Jack Abramoff to
Reed, was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys
and girls over the internet.

-- Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a "good
military man" and "church goer," was convicted of repeatedly having sex with
an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

-- Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for
Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the
nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.

-- Republican director of the "Young Republican Federation" Nicholas
Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in
prison.

-- Republican president of the New York City Housing Development Corp.
Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his
computer.

-- Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A.
Dasen Sr., 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren,
allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million
to have sex with a large number of young women. He was found guilty of
raping a 15-year old girl, and his sentences added up to 126 years in
prison.

-- Age 62 Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo of Denton County, Kentucky
was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy.

-- Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins of Asbury
Park, New Jersey plead guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14 year old
girls.

-- Republican Mayor John Gosek of Oswego, New York was arrested on charges
of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.

My subject is the so-called conservative male, by which I mean the social
conservative, not the fiscal conservative; fiscal conservatives are
mean-spirited sons of bitches, but are not necessarily psychotic. Both
groups should stop breathing, but while one of them would be performing a
courtesy in so doing, the other would be securing the future of the species.
The depravity of the conservative male is in exact counter-proportion to the
degree of righteousness towards which that conservative pretends. Or to put
it another way, show me a pillar and I will show you a pervert. These are
not healthy people. They repress the thoughts and feelings that the rest of
us let drift unheeded into the ether, raising little more reaction from the
well mind than 'where the hell did that come from?' I spent years driving my
kid to school on a route (the shortest route, you swine) that took us past a
Catholic high school. Every morning, swarms of teen girls in plaid kilties,
knee socks, and white oxford shirts --a costume second only to the French
Maid in terms of prurient association-- could be seen on the school lawn,
methodically rolling up the waistbands of their skirts to reveal as much
thigh as possible before Morning Mass.

Did I harbor unclean thoughts as I drove past? Hell yes. Did I suppress
these thoughts, ashamed lest God or offspring should glimpse them like a
subscription-only cable channel through the slightly protuberant windows of
my eyes? No, I did not. Why? Because they were just thoughts. I knew I would
never dally with these young plaid-girt she-scholars, having no real desire
to do so, nor access to a supply of GHB. The same cannot be said for
conservative males. They are ravening sex fiends on a hair-trigger, doomed
to act out their polluted fantasies because thought and deed are the same to
them. (There's something else wrong with conservative females, a subject I
will not treat here. Mainly because they don't seem to get caught as often
as the males. I deal in facts, not speculation.)

Crushing to extinction our inner reptile response to stimuli of any kind,
whether it is fear, hunger, or erotic desire (I can't actually think of any
other stimuli), is impossible. We are nothing more than ambulatory sacks of
glandular secretion. Nature has decreed that life must replicate itself; it
has no other innate purpose. One of the strategies for self-replication
involves a thing we scientists like to call 'urges'. That's when a male gets
a boner, for example. Organisms that attempt to suppress these urges quickly
go mad and behave like Auntie Mildred's Pomeranian, humping the vicar's shoe
until beaten senseless with a rolled newspaper. In contrast to this
aberrant-suppressive approach to urges, the 'normal' response (that is, the
response that is most efficient and least interruptive to an organism's
survival-oriented behaviors, such as holding down a day job or eating
termites) is to allow such urges to pass. They are, after all, just urges.
They do not exist.

I often have an urge to blacken my face with burnt cork and sing Mammy at
the intersection of Wilmington and El Segundo in Compton, just to see what
will happen. But I do not act on the urge. I allow the urge to come and go,
just as I allow the palm trees to sway, the infinity pool to sparkle, and
the polo ground to exhale dewy mist in the morning when I step out onto the
balcony of the chateau. Things go on within us and without us, unbidden and
unremarked-upon. To imagine one can control either one is madness. Could I
cut the trees down, to make them still? Drain the pool? Pave the lawns? Yes,
I could, overlooking certain zoning restrictions. But why would I? Somewhere
there will be a swaying palm tree. It is inevitable that a person seeking
such absolute control over the involuntary universe, whether it is inside
his head or outside his French doors, will go insane. An urge is just like
the swaying of a tree. It is only what it is, and harmless. An urge that is
acted upon is no longer an urge. It is an action. Not harmless.

The real trouble comes when a human attempts to utterly quash a pervasive
urge, such as the urge to mate, past the built-in tolerances of the organism
to deny such behaviors. Your basic conservative male (Ann Coulter, for
example) is a boiling cesspool of repressed urges. They see liberal types
and imagine we are all fucking and sucking in some vast, sweaty daisy chain,
just around the corner so they can't see it happening. They think we're all
smoking pot and jamming cocaine-floured dildos up each other's asses and
listening to Negro Music. The conservative imagines all this, and
immediately has to stuff these imaginings down in a dark inner place,
because even imagining them is verboten. They are repressed, they are
half-insane with paranoid delusions about what normal, open-minded people
are getting up to-and most of all, they're jealous as hell they weren't
invited to participate, if only so they could self-righteously say 'no'.
Liberals, meanwhile, are not necessarily getting laid any more than
conservatives (probably we are, though), but we experience without judgment
the passing fancies that occur to us, rather than dwelling upon them,
half-nauseated, half-aroused, until they become detailed fantasy scenarios
that beg to be put into action, presumably on someone too young to be
familiar with the concept of sexual predators.

I have often posited in the past that most serious conservative males are
latent homosexuals. They are tormented, according to this thesis, by
knob-gobbling hobgoblins that were awakened during some fetishistic hazing
ceremony back at the fraternity and have since been locked up in an inner
love dungeon where they metamorphosed into demons of dingle-dandling
depravity that would make even the most debased patrons of such
establishments as The Manhole and the White Swallow (tragically defunct gay
bars in Chicago) blench with horror. But this theory does a disservice to
homosexuals. I reject the premise. Conservative males are not latent
homosexuals, they are common perverts. It's the tendency towards penny
loafers and Georgian Revival that got me confused.

Homosexuality is, contrary to right-wing hate-think, not particularly
unusual or unnatural in the natural world. Many species, particularly when
there is some kind of population pressure (overgrazing, for example, or
living in a Hassidic neighborhood) exhibit a rise in homosexual behavior
that remains consistent in individuals throughout their lives. There is a
famous example involving herds of bison, the details of which I have
forgotten but I think there was a whole band of young bulls that ended up
making their own slipcovers. Homosexuals that are open about their sexual
identity are healthy and normal. They're just healthy and normal in a
revolting way if you're not homosexual. The same thing could be said about
corporate lawyers or the Swiss. Homosexuals that cannot accept what they
are, do generally become right-wing cranks, and sometimes get caught testing
the waters in the ole swimming hole, as it were. It can be said that all
latent homosexuals are conservative, but all conservatives are not latent
homosexuals. The ones in the latter category are dangerous freaks.

See, a conservative is somebody threatened by the quality of being
different. As in: different race, gender, income bracket, ethnicity,
religion, nationality, sexual inclination, language, philosophy, educational
background, lifestyle, wardrobe, age group, taste in music, drugs, or
literature, different ideas, spending patterns, abilities, politics,
friends, entertainments, and hairstyle. Threatened by all of those things,
usually. Conservatives are xenophobic to a degree that normal people cannot
imagine. To be homosexual is to be not just different, but way different;
this is intolerable, and leads many otherwise useful human beings into
conservativism, hence the latency. But the latter category of conservative,
the sexual deviant (it seems to me based upon my extremely well-reasoned
examination of the above list), is the one that causes all the trouble, and
should not be conflated with the homosexual. Queers (males, anyway) are born
that way, like southpaws and redheads. On the other hand, sexual deviancy
(as psychologists never tire of reminding us) is not inherited, but learned.

It's always someone older. An adult gets at a child, teaches him or her the
Way of the Willy, and slinks off into the night. Or the child is told again
and again by an authoritarian parent full of bile and Bible that sex is
dirty, that Jesus died a virgin, that sexual thoughts or feelings are the
Devil turning the crank on your personal erector set. If Uncle Gerald made
you play hide-the-salami every night for ten years, or if you feel erotic
urges of any kind, you are not, these tragic youngsters learn, like normal
people. You are --wait for it-- different. Not only different, but exposed
to ridicule, calumny, obloquy, and probably (assuming these conservatives
actually believe the Biblical vitriol they're forever spewing, which I am
inclined to doubt) eligible for the Eternal Burning Torments Of Hell. Voila!
A conservative perv is born: one that will eventually succumb to nasty
deviant behaviors, unable to keep the lid on those early traumatic
experiences, like Laoco