Bush's Secret Plan For Iraq

By Stephen Pizzo
Created Dec 5 2006 - 8:58am

As everyone in the Bush Administration seems to be writing and leaking their
own CYA memos, one has to wonder what George W. Bush and Karl Rove are
thinking. Well, News For Real has gotten our fictional hands on a memo
George wrote to Karl just last week. In it Bush voices some disappointment
with his long-time partner, indicates that from here on he's calling the
shoots, and reveals his secret plan for dealing with the meltdown in Iraq.

Memo
From: POTUS-Minor
To: Turd-Blossom
Re: Getting out of Dodge

Well Karl, fine mess we gotten ourselves into this time! You said this was
going to be the easiest gig we ever pulled off. That you'd spend your days
doing what you like best -- scaring Democrats -- and that I'd be able to
play golf and ride my bike half the year and lay around the ranch the other
half.

Now look where we are. I have to stand in front of cameras pretending we're
winning that war we started -- which, may I remind you, was your bright
idea. After 9/11 you got all worked up and assured me that Americans like
nothing better than a president who bombs the holy bagebbers out people they
don't like. I agree, it sounded reasonable. I loved sitting home in Texas
watching news clips of napalm barbequing those little Viet Cong critters
during the Vietnam war. (Reminded me of when I cook ants with a magnifying
glass at the ranch. Heh, heh. They go "pop" and then the cutest little whiff
of smoke comes out of them. Heh, heh, I love that.)

Anyway, I took your advice. I bombed, I sent troops, I approved roughing up
POWs. And what? Now 2/3rds of the America public hate me. And in November we
lost the boot-licking Congress that we've led around by the nose for six
years. Karl!!! You said we'd win. What happened with the Diebold deal? I
thought the election was in the cyber-bag. Hell, Karl, you even blew Florida
AND Ohio. If you weren't the last person around this place who still comes
when I call, I'd drop an anvil on your head. (And steer clear of Laura --
she is menopausal AND she's piiiiiissssed... at you. I finally had to throw
Rummy off a cliff just to get some peace around the house. So don't do
anything to remind her that you're still here, or all hell will break loose
again.)

And where's that scheming little dwarf Cheney? He sure is making himself
scarce around here lately. Is he in his secret place again? Damn him and
that screaming witch he's married to -- nurse Ratchet, Eva Braun, Lynn or
whatever. (Did know about that lesbian book she wrote? I had a dream one
afternoon where Lynn Cheney, Hillary Clinton and Mary Matalin were marooned
on a desert island.... heh, heh... pretty good dream. If I still drank I'd
tell you about it.)

Oh and how about Don? Remember when the war started, the newsies were
gushing about how he was such a smartypants stud? He always had something
cutesy to say when asked a serious question about how the war was going.
Hey! Why didn't I get his writers? But oh no, I get stuck with reject
writers from America's Funniest Home Videos and the old Gong show. (They
make me luk sew stewpid!! Can I have his writers when he leaves?)

So Turd, it's just you and me again, like old times. And, as you know, my
mind starts really ticking when I'm taking a licking. (Heh, heh.) Once again
I gotta a plan to get you and me outta Dodge before someone organizes a
pose.

Our biggest problem -- as I see it -- is Iraq. But relax old bean, I have an
ironclad plan that will get the entire Iraq mess off our resumes.

In a word: S-T-A-L-L.

That's right. We can't use that "stay the course" thing you came up with
last year. Beat that horse to death during the campaign. Anyway, folks are
onto it. Except for the retard-right everyone else has figured out that
staying the course simply means "keep losing." Instead we need to say things
that make it appear we're changing course, while not doing much of anything
at all.

Bottom Line: We have just 24 months left before we can make a clean getaway.
All we have to do now is run out that clock. How simple is that?

Don't worry, we'll have plenty of plays to call between now and 2008. In
fact our enemies are about to provide us with all kinds of time consuming
fodder. We have Daddy's little Mr. Fix-it, Jim Baker and his Commission. And
I started my own internal "study" group that will report around the same
time. (Well, actually I've got that report right here in my pocket. Wrote it
myself over the weekend. Heh, heh. Pop and his preppy pals all think they're
so smart. Well Pops,watch MY lips... " No you're not." Heh, heh. Bite me
Baker! Heh, heh... Always wanted to say that!)

Of course the Democrats help us too by throwing even more suggestions on
Iraq into the mix. Turd, let me tell ya, if we can't leverage all that
blather into two years of stalling then we don't deserve to call ourselves
Texas politicians.

What we gotta do, Turd, is start moving the players around the board over in
Iraq - look like we're making changes -- keep the critics off balance --
don't allow ourselves to get into a check, or Gawd-forbid - checkmate --
situation.

Sure that means losing more pawns, but there's plenty more more where they
came from. (Anyway, if I'm not mistaken, none of them are related to either
of us, right? -- Oh hey, BTW, did you see how well my two girls handled
themselves when some jerk stole their purses during their vacation in
Argentina? Chips off the old block those two. SOOOO proud of them!)

Anyway, that's my plan... just run out the clock out, leave town in January
2009 and drop the whole mess into the laps of our replacements. With any
luck at all a Democrat will win the White House next time. And that's the
bonus part of my plan. When Iraq -- and probably the rest of that armpit
part of the world -- comes apart at the seams, we get to blame the
"cut-and-run Democrats." We accuse them of giving up before they finished
the job. (Heh, heh, heh. Beautiful, huh? Heh, heh, heh. Brings a smile to my
face every time I think about sitting there in my Presidential library
telling visitors how we were just "this close" to winning in Iraq when the
Democrats raised the white flag of surrender. Heh, heh. Sweeeeeeeeet.)

They all think I'm a lame duck now. And more and more I hear that "I've lost
it." HA! Oh-contrary Turdo. I'm actually at the very top of my game. Admit
it -- I create a mess as big as Iraq, then engineer a clean get away, AND
finally shift the blame for it all on my enemies!!! Losing it? HA! I call
that brilliant.

One more thing Turdo -- don't go leaking this memo. You're the only person I
sent it to and, since I'm not about to leak it, I'll know who done it if it
shows up in my morning news briefing.

You, Laura and Barney are the last folks I can trust aroud here, and I'm not
entirely sure about Barney. (He humped Cheney's knee on election night. That
whole desert island dream is one thing, but that's just sick! Don't ya
think?)

Your pal
George W. Bush
President of the USofA

P.S. Hey, do you still have my copy of Sonic Hedge Hog? If so send it over
PDQ. I'll swap it for Madden NFL.

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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson