> Angelina Can Eat My Ashes
> By Leilla Matsui
> Created Oct 26 2006 - 8:27am
> Dear Madonna,
>
> You are no doubt dismayed by the public outrage that has greeted your
> decision to adopt a baby boy from Malawi - a country that most people in
> the
> West probably only know from the ad campaigns of charitable organizations
> showing sickly babies covered in flies, while being watched over by your
> former wedding guests, now sockless and stubbled with earnest three day
> beards. I imagine that you are shocked, truly shocked that anyone would
> question your decision to remove a child from such unimaginable suffering
> as
> Bono breathing down his crib. After all, what kind of person would condemn
> someone so young to a life of hardship, especially someone with millions
> at
> her disposal; a loving "mammy" who will tote her little Sambo around in a
> 1,200 thread count batik wrap specially designed for him by Tom Ford
> himself, and provide him with every consumer item under the less
> skin-damaging sun.
>
> Little David Banda is the luckiest boy in the world, you repeat to
> yourself
> 666 times a day while fiddling with your little red thread bracelet,
> because
> that's how every self-serving mantra eventually becomes truth. It's
> written
> in the Khabible. One minute little whats-his-name is languishing in a
> overcrowded, under funded orphanage in one of the poorest nations on
> earth,
> and the next minute he's soaring over the ocean in a private jet to make
> his
> new home on a palatial English estate, where he will be tended to by a
> complete staff of servants and diapered in monogrammed Pampers. You have
> even sweetened the deal with a complete DVD box set of 'The Lion King' so
> that he can immerse himself in African culture. That should shut up those
> annoying people who think removing a child from his own people and culture
> is somehow a bad thing, even if said culture hasn't yet invented pots to
> piss in.
>
> No stranger to criticism, you probably think the public backlash over your
> latest publicity stunt is just more sour grapes from the usual suspects,
> this time disguising themselves as human rights campaigners. And what
> exactly are they complaining about, anyway, you gripe at your husband, who
> is no stranger himself to your sudden fancies, whether its a decision to
> fire your interior decorator or take up the cause of philanthropy several
> decades after it became fashionable. "Angelina can eat my ashes!" you
> shriek
> when your husband suggests that the Jolie-Pitts have already claimed the
> title of 'Cookie' magazine's most beautiful baby shoppers - an honor you
> have coveted almost as much as an Oscar and an audience with the late Pope
> on his death bed. "A girl just can't get a break", you fume. "I mean, what
> IS the problem?" First, NBC edits out the part of your concert tour where
> you stand crucified on a 'lite brite' cross to prove you haven't quite
> "nailed" the cause of your dimming celebrity, and now they are on your ass
> about your latest Missoni (oops, I mean MISSION) to Africa.
>
> Here's the problem, Madonna. You swoop into Malawi with a yet to be signed
> cheque for $3 million, hoping that by pledging the money to an orphanage,
> the authorities will re-write the laws in your favor. "What laws"? you
> grumble to your husband when someone points out to you that your actions
> amount to kidnapping, even if a bribed official has given your crime the
> government stamp of approval. Someone in your entourage points out to you
> that under Malawi law, people hoping to adopt children must live in the
> country for at least eighteen months. "This dump doesn't even have flush
> toilets, what makes them think their laws mean shit"? you scream at him as
> he peers off into the distance hopefully, while silently praying that a
> pack
> of jackals comes along and tears you apart limb by limb, and dragging your
> still squawking head into the dense foliage encircling the camp to be
> pawed
> at and batted around by hungry hyena pups.
>
> Undaunted, you return to your tent and check yourself in the full length
> mirror you brought along for the occasion and make the final adjustments
> to
> your outfit. You told your stylist you wanted your look to be evocative of
> Africa's "glamorous" colonial era. "Think Marlene Dietrich meets King Kong
> at the opening of the Stork Club inside a smoking volcano". This is why
> you've chosen to dress like the trophy whore of a wealthy plantation
> owner.
> Your African hosts should really get a kick out of that. Even though you
> ended up being more Norma Desmond than Desmond Tutu, your low-cut jungle
> green Versace wrap around dress and safari hat complimented your caked on
> alabaster complexion quite nicely. You managed to achieve the look of a
> former "blimey" spewing bar wench, plucked from obscurity by a visiting
> adventurer from the "Dark Continent" looking for a piece of tail to
> compliment his collection of rhino heads. Your new look is reminiscent of
> someone who spends her days in the shade, reading romance novels and
> shooting the occasional elephant before heading out for cocktails at the
> club. But I guess we should be grateful that you left the rollerskates and
> the ghetto blaster at home.
>
> After a hard day at the orphanage, choosing a baby that will compliment
> that
> wonderful hand woven bag you picked up in the market earlier, you decide
> it's time to celebrate. With the entire International press corps
> surrounding you, you seize the chance to make a video for your next dance
> hit. A word of advice: You should probably edit out the part where your
> unpaid African back up dancers look on in bewilderment and embarrassment
> as
> your frantic pogo-ing recounts the age old story about the evil sorceress
> with fire ants in her pants.
>
> In the clamor and excitement of the festivities no one noticed as you
> discreetly handed over the little "orphan" to your assistant, who boarded
> him into your private jet and spirited him away before the ink is dried on
> the adoption papers. You insist on calling him an orphan, even though is
> father is very much alive, but temporarily, at least, unable to raise his
> son, owing to the tragically, all too familiar circumstances of his life.
> The death of his wife has left him a bereft and impoverished widower with
> no
> other choice but to relinquish custody of his son until he is able to get
> back on his feet. For considerably less than what you paid for David, you
> could have given him at least that opportunity, if you had maybe read
> something more relevant to the topic of global poverty than 'Cookie'
> magazine's top ten list of lucky celebrity orphans. You might have
> discovered that the wealth you endlessly accumulate, and the system that
> makes it possible for you to lavish such largesse upon your latest
> self-improvement project at the expense of people like Yohane Banda, is
> responsible in large part for Mr Banda's inability to feed a child on his
> non-existent earnings as a farmer. Not surprisingly, you have chosen to
> overlook that particular aspect of your new child's life and legacy,
> wilfully ignoring the bigger picture here in order to clutch a small black
> child at your breast in a homage to your own brand name. So now Mr Banda
> is
> left to deal with his most recent loss, cast aside like last season's
> Prada
> bag, and realizing only when its too late that he has signed away his past
> and future to his new colonial master, who uses the same tactics as the
> previous ones to seize another nation's assets under the cover of legality
> and consent.
>
> Hoping that the "nice" American lady would provide his son with an
> education
> and raise him until he was ready to return to his homeland, Mr Banda
> signed
> on the dotted line, believing that his son would eventually be returned to
> him. Since Mr Banda can neither read or write, there was no way his
> consent
> should be considered legal or binding. Clearly, he was misled by orphanage
> officials in order to speed up the process of your fly-by "adoption". But
> naturally, you blame all the negative publicity on the media, whom you
> accuse of manipulating Mr Banda to give false and conflicting accounts of
> the abduction of his son.
>
> Acting on your publicist's advice, you brought your case to the American
> public on 'Oprah', hoping the African American billionaire talk show host
> would give you her own official stamp of approval, and a sob sistah
> shoulder
> to cry on. No stranger to disastrous shopping expeditions, your new
> friend,
> OprahT knows first hand the woes of trying to get one's hands on a coveted
> consumer item and being told by the staff at Hermes that she would have to
> wait until the following day to make her purchase. Unfortunately, Oprah
> used
> the obvious racist slight on her spending power to highlight the
> astonishing
> inability of French saleswoman to recognize her as a global brand
> phenomenon, rather than use her own first hand experience of France's
> institutionalized racism to enlighten her viewers to the worsening plight
> of
> France's immigrant populations. The fact that she was taken for a North
> African (quelle horreur!) by a Hermes staffer and therefore denied access
> to
> the store for after hours shopping didn't offend her principles, only her
> vanity. Imagine confusing the elegantly coiffed icon of American media
> with
> a lowly Berber shoplifter. The 'gaul' of some people". There is a similar
> disconnect in your aggrieved sense of injustice, too, Madonna. You present
> yourself as the victim of a media smear campaign, a misunderstood
> philanthropist, unfairly maligned by hostile forces who will stop at
> nothing
> to bring you and your butt munching bodysuit hemlines down a notch.
>
> No match for Oprah, or the global media juggernaut camped out in his goat
> pen. Mr Banda is forced to reconsider his options and has "agreed" to
> relinquish custody of his son to your permanent care. Congratulations. The
> war on the poor rages on, but you've won your own personal battle, and
> even
> have the "trophy" to prove it. I just hope the next time you are looking
> to
> something to adopt, you might consider a more humane and less self-serving
> world view.
> _______
>
>
>
>
> --
> NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
> always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
> available to advance understanding of
> political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues.
> I
> believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
> provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
> Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
>
> "A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
> spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
> government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
> suffering deeply in spirit,
> and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
> debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
> patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
> back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are
> at
> stake."
> -Thomas Jefferson
>
>
>