the rob cypher movie review

10,000 BC - Jesus Christ, they updated _Eergh!_! Why? F

Baby Mama - Christ, another overlong "SNL" skit. The only way this
earns my $8 is if these bitches are dyking it out somewhere in this
waste of 90 minutes of celluoid. Earns another $2 if one of them
happens to be preggers during the carpetmunching scene too! D

Babysitters - Sam Waterston's (DA from _Law & Order_) daughter stars
as a dick sucking ass2mouth babysitter along with John Leguizamo.
Johnny better have gotten some of that ass or else, because this broad
ain't going to get much more movie play than this (unless you want to
count the kind you buy wrapped in a brown wrapper). F

College Road Trip - Wow. Martin Lawrence and Raven-Symone in the same
flick together at last. With Donny Osmond no less. Throw in George
Jefferson and you've got the fourth level
of hell going on here. F

Don't Mess With The Zohan - Don't fuck with this shitflick. F

Drillbit Taylor - With fluff like this, no wonder why Owen Wilson
wanted to take the final trip to heaven. F

Expelled! - Ben Stein pushes some hokey creationist bullshit as being
"edgy". yeah, edgy as christian "rock". fuck outta here. F

Jumper - This bullshit is so cliched that it can't even "jump the
shark(tm)". F

Made of Honor - Horrible trash featuring some dude from some medical
tv show as a horny "man of honor" at a wedding.. fuck outta here, save
that shit for the dollar dvd bin. F

National Treasure 2 : Book of Secrets - The first movie was a pile of
vomit, why the fuck would you want to regurgitate the same plot again
for idiots to eat? I guess if fuckers will vote for bush twice in a
row you'd have a nation of suckers to drain dollars from all day long.
jesus fucking christ. F

Postal - A supposed society "satire" directed by Uwe Boll. Yeah. The
guy who made the _Mortal Kombat_ and _Alone In The Dark_ flicks, among
countless other video game adaptations. That tells you about what
level this movie is on. F

Promotion - Stifler plays in a wannabe "Clerks" indie film. Someone
needed some money for heroin, I see. D-

Prom Night - A PG-13 slasher flick. Gee, I wonder how shitty this
fuckpiece is. F

Ruins - I already saw this shit, it was called _Hostel_. F

Sex And The City - Proving that you can make a killing off of airhead
hillary clinton voters, this fluffy piece of cotton candy bullshit
will drain the testosterone out of any red-blooded american male and
turn them into a tranny, that is if they don't go nuts first and blast
the crowd with some semen like these females need in their face. Fuck
this capitalistic bullshit. ps a friend remarked to me that sarah
jessica parker looks like the back of his nutsack. I took his word for
it. F

Shutter - An American remake of a Thai horror film, which itself
copied then-trendy Japanese horror films, so you're getting crap so
derivitive it'll make you wash your eyeballs off with SOS
pads. Like one of those lame religious flyers that gets xeroxed over
and over until some of the words are too faded to be made out clearly.
F

Smart People - Dennis Quaid stars in this stupid indie flick. Someone
needs to spread Avian Flu through the crowd at Sundance one day, just
to control the lame movie output that occurs there. D-

Speed Racer - My girlfriend saw it and loved it, then again she's
always had a crush on the cartoon character. From my perspective, it
looks like _Tron_ on adderall, and that is not a good thing. F

Superhero Movie - How the fuck do these supposed "parody" movies keep
getting released? Who the fuck pays to see this shit? How does Leslie
Nielson still get parts (and how much does it cost to reanimate his
dead corpse to act in each movie?) F

Then She Found Me - Great, a Lifetime flick but you pay to see it! And
Helen Hunt directs and starts along with Bette Midler and Matthew
Broderick. HAHAHAHAshoot me in the fucking balls already so I can
crawl off and die somewhere. F

War, Inc. - God I can't stand John Cusack. I don't know why, maybe I
got some repressed memories where he molested me as a child or
something. Like the shit you see going on with Bush and Cheney doesn't
sound like some slapstick bullshit anyway, why make a parody like this
about it? D-

What Happens In Vegas - This shit should've been buried out in Vegas,
out where they put all the old mobsters to their undignified rest.
Cameron Diaz appears to have gotten some more plastic facework during
this crapastacular event with Ashton "Dude, Where's My Career"
Kushton. F

I think I'm going to stick to watching cheap porn flicks for a while.
Jesus.

rob cypher
robcypher.livejournal.com
www.myspace.com/robcyphercollective